A few days ago, someone I really care about texted me telling me some shit I wasn’t trying to hear. I slept on it and the next day I shot back a reply that simply read – “And so what?” – No explanations. No reasoning with. No long talk.
See, I have two settings in my interactions with people – family, friends, lovers – I’m either “can we talk about this?” or “radio silence”; there’s no middle ground. The “let’s talk about it” me can be quite the bug-a-boo! I’d hound your life until you talk to me but this usually never amounts to much as I’ve realized. Forcing people to talk to you doesn’t help because they don’t come open; they’re basically just trying to pacify you with a perfunctory conversation so it’s never a good thing. On the other hand, “radio silence” me is pretty self-explanatory right? Yes. In summary, you’re basically dead to me [No this isn’t me wishing death on anybody… please Nigerians]
If I’m being honest, there was a time in my life that I needed to be liked. It was important to me that I was “palatable” and that I was not ‘too this’ or ‘too that’ for the people in my life without caring how all that bending-to-fit causes arthritis; and boy did I hurt from all that twisting and bending backwards. I had to be the perfect daughter who never dared to talk back, the greatest sister who strived to provide and provide and provide until she could barely hold it together, the most loyal/supportive friend who never hesitated to be there and the generally dependable human; But on the flipside receive total disregard, ingratitude, zero support and rudeness from family and then friends who would choose when it was convenient for them to perform friendship with you… No sway!
I don’t like to upset the people I care about and I worry when I’ve hurt them, the guilt I’d feel ehn…. Sheesh! In a bid to not shake the peace, I’d swallow my real feelings and drink water, lest these feelings inconvenience or offend and people get used to that shit. I’ve learnt now though that that’s where the unresolved hurt/repressed aggression goes to hide and one day, on a seemingly normal day, during a simple conversation, a blow-out happens and everyone starts wondering where all of that came from and you start to hear shit like “ahn ahn was it that small thing?” and its obviously confusing for everyone involved and then you get tagged for overreacting and they say you’re always angry. Why? Because you haven’t always been honest about the full spectrum of your feelings at the times when you should have been and now you’ve bubbled to your limit and blown the gasket and its casualties and bodies all over the floor. Who is going to clean up all this mess? Who? Stress!
Its that same repressed vex that had me send “and so what?” in response back to a seemingly normal text message. It’s the same shit that took me on a number-blocking spree on my phone, rejecting calls and the FUCK-OFFF sign I seem to be wearing on my forehead these days. Picture me standing in the middle of a ring straight swinging for hours daring anybody to approach. Its like I’m at war and I’m dropping bodies willy nilly screaming bloody murder…. Yea, that’s current me.
It took me a looooooooooooong time to get here but I’m proud to announce that I’ve officially run out of fucks to give. My give-a-fuck account is negative! Zero fucks! If I feel a way about anything, that’s exactly what it is and there will be no buffering; not at my expense.
Ok lies! I do still give some type of fuck. On certain days, for select people/things I can muster half a fuck or ¾ fucks but this is very selective and only on days when there’s a full moon. And let me tell you, its awesome. I actually have tons of free/happy time and precious disposable income now to do fun things for myself, buy myself nice things, enjoy my life and generally seek the answer to the question – “What does S want to do today/what will make me happy today?” And it’s been quite liberating.
This year, I will NOT put up with anybody treating me less than…starting from my family all the way down to the random person on the street; not from nobody! And because my bullshit radar is tingling at a really high frequency right now, the downside of it is that it doesn’t even have to be actual BS for me to cut it. It just needs to look a little bit like it or smell a little off and its blocked from miles away…. Call it collateral damage. Nope!
My current mood is: FUCK BITCHES, GET MONEY…
I meeeeaaannn… Fuck everybody! Fuck everything. This life is mine to do with it what makes ME happy.