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What’s your Love language 

Sometimes I have a hard time falling asleep at night and when that happens, my mind just drifts all over the place [it tends to do that at odd hours]. I started reading old whatsapp conversations and one in particular got me thinking about how differently each of us receives & acknowledges the gestures of love/affection directed at us and where the disconnect that tends to create drama usually sets in. So I hit my twitter with a little dose of deep…. Question:

I got some pretty interesting responses [see below for a few].

 

  

All very interesting, right?

Which leads me to this thing about love languages; which I’m sure you’ve heard/read about. But if you haven’t already –  according to Gary D. Chapman in his acclaimed book – The Five Love Languages –  there are 5 love languages.According to Gary, every single one of us understands one [or a combination] but we all ultimately tend to gravitate more towards one.  [You can read more about it here www.5lovelanguages.com]. There’s even a test on there to help you determine your own love language. PS: Mine is predominantly – Acts of Service [I think it’s the only one that encompasses little bits of all the other languages] & Receiving gifts [not to be mistaken for materialism]

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Usually, when love languages are discussed, they are discussed from the POV of the receiver, i.e. the person who is positioned at the receiving end of the gestures that make up said language. So for e.g. because I prefer – Acts of Service – I expect that my loved ones or anyone looking to catch my attention in a love thing should show me how much via practical helpful gestures. It means that someone can tell me how much they love me day & night, even until hell freezes over but if those beautiful grandiose words aren’t accompanied by actual gestures that make my everyday day-to-day life easier, then we are both wasting each other’s time really.IMG_1473It then follows that I also tend to show my love to the people I love in the same way by trying my best to ease their day-to-day life – perhaps you need laundry dropped off and I have time – I will, perhaps I noticed your nepa units are running out and you’re out of town – I’ll top up so the stuff in your refrigerator don’t get to ruins, perhaps you’re out of town and the house got dusty – I’ll send someone to clean for you so you get back to a clean home feeling less overwhelmed. Sister needs new bras and I’m ordering mine – I’ll add hers, brother had a long day – I’ll leave a home cooked meal etc.  I know a friend of mine who said the most romantic thing anyone ever did for her for valentine’s was to replace the worn out tyres on her car that needed immediate attention. Very Practical.

However, I feel like we forget to think about this from the POV of the person on the giving end of the equation.  They have a love language too and what if theirs doesn’t match yours? For e.g. a person whose love language is – Physical Touch – expects tons of PDA from their partner but what if said partner is not into PDA? But they always send gifts [a language] and tell you how much they love you [affirmation]? In this scenario, they’re showing love in the way they know & understand it but is it connecting? When our loved ones speak a different love language, it may come across as though they aren’t doing enough but is that really true? And is it to fair to them that we are receiving it wrong?

CONTEXT:

I sometimes fight with my brother when I feel he’s just not pulling his weight when I need him to which can make me feel like he doesn’t know me at all. However, I have overheard my brother [without even speaking to me first] vehemently defend me in my ‘absence’ to someone. One time when I was doing my detox, he brought me a bagful of fruits, completely unsolicited.  What about that time when he mentioned in passing how his life has been so much easier since I moved back to Nigeria. Make of that what you will.

Then there’s my mother who has forgotten my birthday one too many times. I mean, who forgets their own child’s birthday? Does that mean she doesn’t love me? But before I answer that, who has held the forte for nearly 2 decades since our dad passed, who has consistently bailed me out of some tough moments, who has prayed for me every day of my life, who always asks me “do you people have enough?”, who thinks the world of me etc. But who also forgets my birthdays? Yea.

What about the guy whose vibe is too relaxed in his pursuit of you? Yes. How frustrating! You know he likes you; heck you like him too [a lot] and so you wish he’d be more brazen in his attempt to woo you. That he’d text more, call more, thirst more. You wish you’d wake up to loving morning messages that add an extra pep in your step the rest of your day and go to bed with a bump on your forehead because your phone fell out of your hands as you were giggling too much reading his messages in bed at night. Instead you get scheduled calls; you sometimes get grumpy mono-syllabic responses and a generally lacklustre turkey dance that makes you wonder if one of you is being forced to keep up the charade. Alas!

While I think all 3 scenarios have an underlying theme, they are also very different illustrations.

My friends on twitter make a great case that love is about making an effort to learn your partner’s style/love language and that stepping out of character/comfort zone in itself shows a willingness to bring what it is your loved one needs from you to the table. In addition, every time you speak one another’s language, you score emotional points that do great for your relationships. However, until that desired sync is achieved, does that mean they love you any less? I’d love to hear from you guys…..a0d3fb83def75c824958bda76373ade6

So lemme ask again…….

“If someone isn’t showing you love in the way and manner that you prefer & understand, does that mean they’re not showing you love?”

Please sound out in the comments please.

Besos xx

S.


26 Comments

Family, Life, musings, Randomness, thoughts

Hello….. It’s me

Hello…….. It’s me.

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Are you singing along yet?

Yesterday, I was pressing my phone rather absent-mindedly, trying to set an alarm when my eyes caught the date. I blinked rapidly and looked again – 1st November 2015. Wait what?! It’s not like I didn’t already know the date but we all know there’s a difference when you see with your eye and when you see with your mind [excuse the Game of Thrones speak, I’ve been catching up]. I had a mini heart attack for like 10 seconds because …. Where has the year gone? What did I do with it? Mental checklist, what was I able to tick off my 2015 to-do list? The answer is – not a lot. And that sucks.

It’s NOVEMBER! Of the year TWO THOUSAND AND FIFTEEN.

Do you remember back when we used to talk about the year 2000 like it was light years into the future? We’d talk as if by year 2000 we’d be writing letters about the medieval years of the past? Cars will be flying, robots will be hanging in the air dispensing cash to mortals, babies will be born with full sets of molars etc. Well look! 2000 came and went, then added 10 years to it and now we are wrapping up the 15th and headed towards the twentieth – 2020.  Indeed one is getting old.

I know we all say this all the time and it’s become a flimsy cliché but time does fly indeed and with each passing day, one needs to realize that life is passing by. It’s not on pause till you finish school, it’s not waiting until you get that job, it’s certainly not waiting to till you get married [and have that kid]; it’s not for nothing…. Life is happening right now, in this very moment, life is happening.  Are you living it?

I know that speaking for myself, I put my happiness on hold for so long for so many reasons [that seemed justified in the moment] that it’s almost as though I had completely forgotten how to genuinely enjoy a happy moment. It feels like I’m always nostalgic, wishing certain times back and basically living life with one eye permanently looking back and that’s sad because if i’m busy living in the now, I wont have time to be mulling over the “used-to(s)”. Right?

Look how happy I seem, but in actuality, I was miserable about a boy the entire summer of this photo. LOL

I realized recently that even in those times that I now think were so spectacular, there was definitely stuff I was whining about and wishing on, so truly nostalgia makes one see through rose-tinted glasses and with lots of embellishment of facts…. 

Contentment and happiness aren’t about the current state of things, it’s a choice and a mindset.

Every year, I say this is the year I do better until the next year rolls by with me repeating the same thing and it’s become like a joke, laughable really. How can your year be different if you haven’t done anything differently from the last? Life is about CONSCIOUS LIVING. Conscious steps, conscious choices, conscious plans, conscious execution, one foot in front of the other…. every day. CONSCIOUSLY. That’s living.

BUT; If I learnt nothing this year, I learnt that I have to live my life for myself and make my choices based on what works for me first before anybody else. I simply cannot tell you how liberating that is.  Prior to this realization, I self-identified as a daughter and a sister before anything else. This meant that in making my life choices/decisions, I always prioritized the collective good of my family and that the pendulum always swung to the side of what was best for everyone[irrespective of how back breaking that choice is for me as a person]. I will always choose what makes everyone else’s life easier [never mind that it meant that it was going to make my own life a lot tougher]; I just always wanted everyone to be happy and okay. I think this comes from being a first child and my natural protective-motherly instinct and if i’m being completely honest – my Savior mentality. Captain Fix it Me. Perhaps it also made me feel needed/useful/wanted when I took charge and maybe there was a part of my sense of self that hinged on being wanted/needed/useful. It made me feel good & dependable when they’d say “Beezy will sort it out” and so I’d get into fixer mode and that dependency made me afraid of being otherwise disposed, of saying “I can’t fix it this time“, “it’s not convenient for me“, “not today” and saying “No“. But it was killing me, turning me into a shadow of myself and making me thoroughly stressed [I shared a bit about that pressure here]. Slowly at first, then it got to the point where the choice was simple & clear – fix up or break from the sheer weight on my back and so I CHOSE ME. Grudgingly at first, and with a lot of tears but I finally did it. I know it sounds simple but it was not an easy journey to this realization for me. As children, we don’t quite realize how hard we internalize our parents words/ideals until we start trying to actively break out of that zone. Truly. However, the moment this light bulb lit up, it’s like I’ve been walking on air. I feel so much lighter and quite liberated and it’s reflecting in my choices and in my daily life.

I still feel a lot of guilt when I choose to assert this new self-realization, especially within my family because these type of strongholds don’t break overnight but I’m consoled by the fact that I know without a doubt in my mind that I’m doing the right thing; and I know this because of my peace of mind and also because, now more than I ever, I have gotten so much support from my family, it’s like I just needed to break out first before things settled in and i’m so glad I did.

 

So I can confidently say on account of this ONE THING, I won 2015. It has completely changed my life.

Can I just say, 2015 hasn’t wrapped up yet, so even you can still score your own touchdown if you want to. I saw this text-gram below on Instagram and I was so moved by it. I think it says it all. Think positive thoughts!IMG_9572.JPGI cannot over-emphasize the importance of having the right mindset, the right attitude and the right mentality… trust me, I learnt!One of the most touching moments when I felt truly loved by a person happened this year; very recently actually and let me tell you, you haven’t experienced love until you’ve experienced the unsolicited/selfless/no agenda type of love…. especially when found  in the most unexpected of places. I say this to say, when the vibes you’re exuding change, the universe takes notice. Believe that!IMG_9011.PNG

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By the way; Guys…..

What monster human did this? Who shall we arrest for this? How can you put almonds in a snicker bar? Are you trying to kill me? I’m sitting here telling myself – “well, almonds are healthy” and rationalizing this shit like okay, its just 180 calories, I can burn that easy…. except I eat more than one at a seating. Christ! Somebody save me.

***

2yrs, 4yrs and Adult something….

Picture above is one I just decided to share with you guys today just for bonus laughs to make up for being AWOL for so long on here. Go on…. laugh till your sides hurt. Then use your church mind and tell me honestly if you’ve ever seen a more badass mean-mugging child. I think I’ve always had that face that says “I’m not here for your bullshit“. I haven’t changed faces at all. #VintageS

I really did miss you guys, tell me this love is reciprocal 😀

Talk to me in the comments please 🙂

Air Kisses for everyone.

S.


14 Comments

Life, musings, Opinion, Randomness, thoughts

What Makes You Loveable??

WHAT MAKES YOU LOVEABLE?

I read an article on Bellanaija yesterday that posed the above question and I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. As expected, the ensuing comments ranged from the hilarious to the downright confusing but I found it all very interesting. As I went about my day, the question kept ringing in my head and it just wouldn’t go away, I thought about it so much that it got me a bit irritated with myself. Why? It worried me that I couldn’t answer the question immediately; that I couldn’t count on my fingers the reasons why I think I am loveable; that I had to think about it first. Did that mean that maybe I am un-loveable? Shock Horror!

It was particularly disturbing because while I had to think about it seriously before I could come up with reasons, I’m pretty sure if the tables were turned and I was being asked what I thought made me UNLOVEABLE, I would have answered very easily. Isn’t that a little sad? It basically means that I know and I’m more in touch with my flaws better than I am with my sweet spots, No? That without much thought I can recite my flaws/unloveable traits but I have to think before naming my loveable traits. Quite worrisome! And I am not alone, judging from the comments on the original article.

In general, I think most people [myself included] tend to be very critical of themselves viz-a-viz their actions/choices and less kind about this criticism. This is possibly why when you’re asked what makes you loveable, you’d mull over it first but if you’re asked the opposite, you’d answer without missing a beat. It doesn’t help that people would sooner pick others apart and chastise than be loving & kind; people will tell you everything that is wrong with you before acknowledging what’s right.

People tell you so many times [not necessarily in words] why they think you’re un-loveable. They tell you by how they talk to/with you, the words they use when talking about you, in the way they treat you etc. And because you are human, you internalize it all to the dangerous point, but, on the flip side, you also have people who tell you and show you in so many ways that they truly love you but for some reason we tend not to internalize and hold on to those as much as we would the bad. Why? Glutton for punishment? Think about it; for every – ignored text/cancelled plans/harsh words, there are also the – hey/have you eaten/are you okay etc but for some reason, we tend to allow the former dominate our thoughts and we amplify it to the point where it seems like there aren’t enough of the latter happening. Someone needs a mindset renewal.

I love you doesn’t always come out in those exact words. Did you hear any of the above today? 

I know you’re probably thinking – but I just love ABC for no reason. Nigerians even say things like “I don’t know but our blood just jam, my spirit and her/him spirit just jam” LOL. But I think there’s definitely more and you’re being naïve if you think people who love you just do. Beyond the physical, I think love is tied to the purpose you serve in a person’s life; that unique quality/element that you bring that nobody else has/can bring [even in a family relationship/dynamic]. And so based off that, doesn’t it follow to ask yourself – what will happen when you no longer can serve that purpose or bring that element? Will they still be there? Is that truly love? Is love even love? Perhaps there should be synonyms used in the stead?

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I’m rambling! But I know something for sure – that I love different people for different reasons, so it can’t be farfetched to think it’s the same way for other people in terms of them loving me – my sister loves me for reasons completely different from the love of say a friend.

So what makes me loveable? I think my answer is better categorized thus:

  • My Mother – Because I’m her child, her first born, her first fruit. I also think I’ve been a good daughter to her – dependable, responsible, hardworking and a good example to my siblings. I am big on family and it reflects in my daily decisions; I’d break my back for my family to be okay and I’d do it with a smile on my face. My mother says about me – “I never have to worry about you, I know you can survive anything/anywhere and you’ll take care of everything” and it makes me soar. Even though she and I butt-heads a lot, I know she secretly admires my strong will, my convictions and never-say-die attitude. She thinks the world of me and believes that I know everything and because of that, I make sure I never fall short.
  • My Siblings – Because I make shit happen. Even when I didn’t live in Nigeria, I still was on speed dial and I always came through. I anticipate their needs before the topic even comes up and they can sleep easy knowing Beezy got it! I am dependable. I make EVERY decision in my life with them in consideration and have been known to fight with my parents on their behalves. Don’t get me wrong, I can be a major pain in their asses and we fight but they apologise quick because none of them can go a day without needing me for something #FactsOnly LOL. But beyond these, I think my siblings have a lot of respect for me as a person, I try to set a good example and try not to be hypocritical/holy holy about real issues. It’s nerve-racking the amount of pressure I usually am under with them but I do my best and their appreciation makes it all worthwhile.
  • My Babies – Aunty Beezy, the fountain of Icecream, popcorn, indomie, Disney till late, trips and a generally fun time. This love is very cheap. LOL
  • My Friends – Because… Confidant, real talk, endless phone calls & instant messages, bitching sessions, fuck that nigga sessions, united in our love for ratchet shows, stay up all night and listen to each other’s fears/frustrations/problems/joys/dreams, makeup/fashion tips etc. I also tell my friends the truth as I see it, I don’t sugarcoat it [not because I want to hurt them but I tell my truth how I tell it and they’ve all come to appreciate that about me]; they’ll never have to worry about me telling their business. I am fiercely loyal, honest, protective, reliable and an all-round asset. You want me in your corner, trust me. I have been blessed with amazing friends.
  • Men – [There really isn’t any other way of writing this without it sounding like a #BrilliantAd but toh]. I am a beautiful girl no doubt but I’d like to think the men in my life all stayed longer for reasons beyond just my looks. I’m book & street smart, educated, cultured, know my different forks, can hold my own, fun/versatile, intelligent, can carry a conversation about pretty much anything, have a mind of my own, a fantastic cook etc. I’m a giver, I’m not a cheater, I’m not dodgy, I’m straightforward and pride myself for my integrity. In addition, as much as I can be civil & friendly, I am also VERY MUCH a pain in the ass [to keep things interesting], a mini witch if you will. LOL. I kid! [not]. Me in love will cater to my man, bend over backwards to keep him happy, always looking for what I can do to make his life easier. I’m still friendly with all my Exes [except for one] because long after the fluff is gone, I’m still someone they can be real with. I’m a baddie okay! I say so! Who am I kidding? They love me because….Huge Hansel & Gretel and I laugh at their dry jokes 😀

Looking at the above reasons and categorizations, I noticed that the reoccurring theme for me is – dependability, reliability, integrity and generosity [with everything] – My word truly is my batter and interestingly enough, these are the exact traits I look out for in others and the reason I love the people I love; I just don’t do well with flaky/dodgy/shady/unreliable people. Super Important!

I have to say though, judging by how long it took me to think these through and my inability to readily answer the question [plus based on the comments on the original article], it’s fair to conclude that – What Makes You Loveable – is a tough question to answer; if you’re being completely honest.

So let me ask you guys – if you know me [and love me], why don’t you tell me what made me loveable to you?       Also, what do you think Makes YOU Loveable?

Quick Pointer: No it’s NOT JUST your beauty/handsome, nor your money and certainly not just your fancy. Think about it terms of what distinguishes you from the next person [in your loved ones life]; the intangible but unarguably irreplaceable stuff that only you can bring.

YOU ARE LOVED.

NB: Aren’t #MidnightKaraoke Sessions the best? Enjoy! Fancy myself a Mariah Carey haha

 


27 Comments

musings, Opinion, Randomness, thoughts

Blurred Lines

A quote…. A plea…. An advice…..

“Treat women the way you would like to be treated

          the way you would like your sister/mother/wife to be treated 

**Emphasis on the second line highlighted boldly**

Awwwww.  How kind and thoughtful and sweet. Right?  Well…. I see that quote all the time, I see the sentiment shared in so many different ways by both men and women and while it’s an honorable and sweet sentiment, I find the underlying implications are worrisome.

I thought to myself, hang on! So basically, to get one human being to treat another with some decency, kindness and compassion, we have to have appealed to their sense of family? That essentially, there are people who in their dealings with others can only be decent if they see the person they’re dealing with [in this case, women] as their family member? I have to say “what if I were your sister/mother/wife and someone was treating me this way” before I can access & unlock the kind/decent/compassionate side of a man’s brain? So on the flip side, if a person[man] can’t picture me as his sister/wife/mother then good luck trying to get him to NOT treat me like shit? Wow! If we were to reach then it follows that as a woman, how you will be treated has nothing to do with much – not your conduct/interaction/aura – but heavily dependent on if the other person has a mother/sister/wife [and they have a cordial relationship at the very least] and can picture you from that point of reference?

That is so fucked up!!

How then can we access this special reservoir of this unique brand of gender-relative  courtesy, kindness and compassion from the people who don’t have good relationships with their mothers/wives/sisters? What can we say to them? Such people have no benchmark in the first place, so who will be their reference point in their interactions with me? Or the ones who simply don’t have the ability to stretch their imaginations that far? Say for example, a man beats his wife and/or insults the crap out of his sisters & mother on the regular [they exist] then comes to the workplace and slaps his female colleague; based on the above sentiment, can you really fault him? Isn’t he in essence treating his colleague as he would his wife/mother/sisters? What about those guys that we see on the news who shoot/stone/behead women [and children] in those extremist religious places.  Do you really think they give a shit about whether that could be their mother/wife/sister? Haven’t we even seen scenarios where its family members instigating and leading these killings for all kinds of fucked up reasons?  If they had any respect for people’s right to life and existence [which is usually the crux], we won’t even be having this conversation.  If being a decent person in your interaction with others is going to be based on appealing to people’s sense of family ties then we must also appreciate the fact that people’s interactions with their sisters/wives/mothers vary greatly. Right? It goes beyond that. IT SHOULD! IT HAS TO! The focus should be to teach people to respect EVERY human on account of their HUMANNESS; nothing more.

I think that these types of sentiments and reasoning for what constitutes [im]proper behavior and expectations is the sister-root from whence other unhealthy facets stem. You hear stuff like “we are both from Imo state”, “na my Muslim/Christian sister/brother”, “we are from the same village”; which is all fine and dandy but what about the other persons who don’t fall under any of these umbrellas, what then? Are they fair game for shitty treatment and bad behaviour? Like when an ex told me he was pressured because the girl he had been cheating on me with was from the same state as him; as though my state of origin had suddenly changed from when we first met.

I once got into it with some royally stupid security guys at the entrance of an eatery/clubhouse and after calling me every name in the book, one of them goes – “I just dey leave you because you fit be my sister” – LOL. If this is how you act towards a person who “fit be your sister” then I shudder at how you’d treat the one wey NO fit be your sister. I soon realized that when Nigerians say stuff along these lines, they’ve already been hella disrespectful and are just trying to wrap it up with some faux sense of nicety and/or are just being a typical Nigerian by bringing up stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with the situation at hand.  It means nothing. Hogwash. Don’t think for a second that based off that flouncy sentiment, that person will hesitate to do you dirty if the opportunity presented itself.

Come to think of it, I don’t think I have ever seen/heard anybody advising women to treat men as they would their brothers/husbands/fathers. And why not?  Women can be mean too, women can be badly behaved too so why not? Abi the menfolk don’t need gender-relative sensitivity and kindness? I daresay that the former advice in itself, as honorable and well-meaning as it is also has a colorful sprinkling of sexism but I’m not going to get into that right now.

The quote rubs me a certain way especially because, I remember dating a guy who was so big on family; infact, his sister & mother are his life and it was adorable; except it didn’t stop him from cheating on me repeatedly, didn’t stop him from lying every chance he could [and even using his family member’s as a crutch for more lies], didn’t stop him from being an all-round dodgy and shitty boyfriend even though he wouldn’t want any of that for his mother or sister. So what then?

The point I’m trying to make here is, why don’t we just forget the gender and advice human beings to treat other human beings decently? You know, from one human to another and cut out this “e fit be your mama/sister/wife” bullshit.  It’s not helping anybody and it does nothing to curb people’s propensity to be vile because frankly, if you treating people decently is based on anything other than the simple/most important reason – THAT THEY ARE HUMANS, JUST LIKE YOU – then there’s a fundamental problem with your socialization process. I think that while I appreciate the sentiment and see how well-meaning it’s usually intended, I’d rather live in a world where people are taught to treat others well because….. Human.

It’s tough being a woman, even tougher being a woman in Nigeria. So while I’m looking for a guy to escort me into some premises because “prostitute until proven otherwise”, I’d appreciate it better if society implored people to treat me with common courtesy and decency simply for being human, just like the next person.

Election Weekend

This one time, in a silly & careless but totally necessary move, I left a place I shouldn’t have been at in the first place and walked by myself on a lone, dark and quiet street until I found and got into a random cab back home at 4am [all the while praying to Jesus and promising to never be so foolish]. Now if you know me, you know that was totally uncharacteristic and in hindsight, very stupid – I would never get into a random cab at night by myself and I’d never be caught dead on a lone dark street by myself let alone at 4am [nothing good happens outside at 4am]but I had to. This happened almost a year ago and even as I type this, I can’t help but wonder how inconsequential and low a person must think of you to not even bother checking if you at least got home safe, knowing fully well you were out in the dark by yourself at 4am on their account. It basically says, you can be dead and your bits chopped in a bag folded in a cab’s trunk for all I care [yes, I’m dramatic and I imagine the worst]. You’re going to teach a person like that common courtesy and decency by that quote up there? Good luck to you!!

Oh and my apologies to the boy I once told in anger that somebody will treat his sister worse than he’s treated me. What can I say?….. I’m a hypocrite. Nothing will happen to your sister okay 😀

Oh btw, I am currently obsessed with this picture of Ms.Cookie….

So much that I made it my screensaver…..

To unlock my phone, I have to slide my finger right across her boobies 😀

Air kisses to all of you :* :* :*

S.


14 Comments

Happy,, Music, Randomness, Travel

My music and me 

 Music is life!!!

Image result for music quotesI’m a huge lover of music. I play music when I’m just chilling at home, when I’m having a bad day, when I’m happy, when I’m in the bath/loo, when I’m in a car…every place! Every day! My music reflects/affects my mood and I honestly can’t imagine a world without music. It’ll be Drab and Gray and Sad and nobody will be able to cope. I want no parts. Music is so powerful that you don’t need to understand the language/words to be moved – remember Julia Robert’s first time at the opera in Pretty Woman? Powerful.

I believe that a person’s taste in music says a lot about them and I’ve definitely bonded with/unplugged from people on account of music. Once, I fell for a boy because [amongst other things], he used to make me these amazing sleep playlists every week and he introduced me to music that I would never have found by myself; special place in my heart.  Infact, now that I think of it, boys have been using music to toast for a while, I remember this boy in secondary school who would make me mix –tapes , yea, actual CASSETTE TAPES

I did tell you guys last week that I’ve been in a bit of a funk and while I’m not exactly peaches and rainbows yet, I am a lot better now than I was when I wrote that post, thank God. During this period, I’ve not been sleeping well; infact, my sleep pattern is so rubbish that I feel sorry for myself when I’ll need to recalibrate. Like yesterday [today actually], I went to bed at about  4:40am and it’s been this way for a while now. Sigh.

Anyways, since I couldn’t sleep, I decided to play music. I didn’t make a playlist; I just let my player do its thing randomly. As expected, I have all kinds of music/genres in my library, ALL KINDS and each one represents a vivid memory in my mind. It occurred to me some time ago that with every song I’ve ever liked, I have a distinct memory attached to it. I can tell you exactly where I was/what I was doing/who I was with etc when I first heard it or at least, when it first registered in my mind that I liked it. Every single one has a backstory. Yup! So I decided to make it even more fun by playing a little game – for every song that came on, I’d write about the memory I associate to the song. Here goes….

Image result for music quotes

*WARNING: THIS POST IS VERY SHORT*

I Miss You [Beyonce]  – First time I heard this song, I was visiting my friend Shola and we were just gisting in her room when it came on on her ipod dock. Coincidentally, I was going through a breakup at the time and so it got me in my feelings so much that I cried like somebody beat me; and because I enjoy torturing myself, I went and downloaded it immediately. I came back to Abuja armed with the perfect heartbreak song; I’d sit by myself everyday, play it on repeat and cry myself to sleep for like 6 months ha ha… It’s still one of my favourite Beyonce songs and I still get emotional when I listen to it.

You Know I’m No Good [Amy Winehouse] – This song takes me right back to the balcony of my undergraduate apartment on the 7th floor of Desa Palma, Malaysia. It was my first taste at actual freedom in my very own apartment all by myself. LISTEN…. YOU COULDN’T TELL ME NOTHING!! I’d play Amy on ignorant levels and dare my neighbours to knock on my door with complaints. I’d stand on the balcony, drink in hand, people watching and feeling like THIS IS THE LIFE! Good times! It was on one of those balcony days that I watched as the boy I liked who had just stood me up earlier for dinner came to drop off another girl while ignoring my calls – [cue Me and Mr. Jones: what kind of fuckery are you?] I’m sad she died, her death felt for me like it was someone I knew personally and when you actually think about it, how much more personal does it get than Amy’s music?

How To Save A Life [The Fray] – One phrase: Greys Anatomy! Season 2 : Izzie & Denny’s love story, Denny surviving surgery..ah! My heart was so tight; I thought I’d pass out. Since then, the song has been featured twice more on the show in Season 7 and very recently, on the episode WHERE SHONDA RHIMES LOST HER DAMN MIND AND KILLED DEREK OFF THE SHOW.  Expectedly, since getting featured on Greys; the song reached quadruple platinum status [if that exists], beyond successful. It also became the theme song for season 3 of the show and the cast even recreated it. I always say how much of a great gift idea it is if someone gave me the entire compilation of the all the music ever played on Greys Anatomy from season 1 till date, awesome source for finding new music.  Oh and remember on Season 8 of American idol when the song was played after Danny Gokey’s audition for his wife who had just passed away from heart complications.  *sweaty eyes*

Chasing Pavements [Adele]

should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads no where?….”

I was on vacation cooped up in my hotel room, cosy in bed [BY MYSELF] and I turn on the TV and on comes the most striking British voice I’ve heard in a minute, I sat up immediately, logged on to youtube and began a journey into what has become an amazing love story with my baby girl Adele.  This chic just stands there, in a huge tent of a black dress, no gimmicks, no dancers, no flashing lights, no psychedelic discos, just a voice…. I dare you to watch the live performance of – Someone like you – at the Brits and not wipe your eyes. Such presence! Besides the amazing music she makes, I love how unapologetic she is about  herself and I love that she cusses and swears like a sailor and she cackles like no self-respecting lady should but it’s so adorable and real and it tickles.

    

She comes across as real and relatable and totally awesome, I wanna be besties with her. And that delicious British accent that comes through so clearly even in her music…..I especially love her because she took a bad situation and turned it into multiple millions of dollars, wiping out all awards while at it and giving the Ex a big fat middle finger! She wins for you, she wins for me, she wins for any girl who ever got her heart broken but only sat in a corner, ate ice-cream, cried and got fat[ter]. Ha ha.

Breathe [Blu Cantrell ft. Sean Paul] – OMG!!! Major throwback no?! First time I heard this song was from watching the video on Channel O … ancient of days 😀 Where is Blu Cantrell? Listen! I rocked this song well, I’d be singing aloud like…

“you say you love me, say you love me but you’re never there for me….Then comes the drama some other girl is claiming she’s going out with you… All we do is make up, then break up… When love hurts, it won’t work….”

You can tell I’ve always been a lover girl sha ha ha. Everything was so shiny in that video. I’m glad the fashunz has changed since then.

How’s A Man Supposed To Change [Blue] – This entire album is still one of my faves. I got the CD off of a friend and played it so much that by the time I managed to return it, she refused to collect it because it had over scratched and I had to buy her a new one. It was in this song I found out that some superstitious oyibo people believe that if you break a mirror, you’d be cursed with seven years of badluck; just as the ones that believe that if you don’t make eye contact while clinking glasses during a toast, you’d be cursed with 7 years of bad sex. Better don’t take the chance. LOL

Crossroads [Bone Thugs N Harmony]

                                      “and we pray and we pray and we pray…everyday everyday everyday everyday                                                                                           See you tha crossroads so you won’t be lonely”

OMG! BCC Mkar Estate, Gboko. The video for this song gave me nightmares for months. And it didn’t help that my family friend who was a super fan and introduced me to it died shortly after. Horror. Nowadays, when I’m badly in need of Ogbono soup raps, I make do with Twista; if for nothing, I’m sure that I won’t have any nightmares.

Music and Me [Nate Dogg] – I love this man. I love this song. I don’t know what else to say. RIP.

I Want You [Ceelo Green] –  I was aboard an Emirates flight enroute England when I first heard this song. I pretty much spent the rest of the flight with it on repeat and 5 years later, it’s still my song. Let me just say clearly that nothing about Ceelo Green’s physical looks inspires any type of pink dreams for me but on account of the lyrics of this song, I wished he was my lover and had written this song for me. This song is an ode from a man who’s tired of the party scene/fast life and ready to dedicate his life to this …. Ladies, has a man ever thanked the Lord for you?

                                                 “Ooooh …one rarely finds a lady, who happens to be three times the lady…                                                                           God is good, he took his time when he designed you baby, that’s why I want you….                                                                            And, oh I’ll even quit my job, loving you, I’ll make it my job…                                                                                                            Thank you Lord, thank you Lord, this is it my God!”

Don’t Turn The Lights On [Chromeo] – I found Chromeo sometime in 2011 from the comments section of Miafarradaily’s blog and I haven’t looked back since. I recently found a song they did with Solange called  -Lost On My Way Home – Imagine the epicness. Just go to YouTube and watch every Chromeo song you can find. You’re welcome.

Shorty Got Her Eyes On Me [Donnell Jones] – My uncle Dennis. He loves this song so much and transferred the love to me, never mind that the lyrics were far too colorful for my teenage self to be singing them so confidently. What is it about some of these RnB artists that somehow makes their raunchy lyrics sound like Sunday school hymns? He needs to drop something new though, with his 3 hits having ass.

Heaven [Emeli Sande] – Buchanan Station, Glasgow 2012. I was visiting friends and while waiting to be picked, this song came on. Instant hit! I bought the album off Itunes as soon after; it’s one of the few albums I’ve actually ever purchased off Itunes.  Nowadays I remember her as one of my Ex’s favourite artist, ergo, not so fun.

Hurricane [Eric Benet] – It was many years ago, on a cold windy night. I was listening to Nike Coker’s show on Coolfm [via my Nokia 3230]. It was a request show and someone called in to request this song and that was it. I called in and re-requested for it but they said they couldn’t play it twice in such short interval and since there was no spotify/easy internet then,I was stuck. But once I got access, I downloaded it immediately. It’s such a sad yet hopeful song, he’d written it about the period of his sex addiction and resulting divorce from Halle Berry. I love this song and the message it captures – sometimes things will get crazy chaotic before they become calm and that very calm is  embedded in the chaos.

                                       “A hurricane, a hurricane is sometimes the only way to wash away the pain….                                                                    A hurricane, a hurricane is sometimes the only thing that brings you back again”

AS [George Micheal ft. Mary J. Blige]

“As around the sun the earth knows she’s revolving… And the rosebuds know to bloom in early May.. Just as hate knows love’s a cure, you can rest your mind assured, that i’ll be loving you always….”

How comforting! It reminds me of my dad.

Daddy’s Home [Usher] – I want a husband just so I can play this song [from our surround sound home system] when I see his car pull up the driveway. He’ll get into the house and I’ll be standing by the bedroom door like – hey daddy – muahahhahahahaa. SideBar: Why is Usher so hot?

Magician [Ice Prince ft Gyptian] – I LOVE THIS SONG!! It was a cold night in liverpool; I was sitting in my room listening to Gidilounge and waiting for my heater to get toasty . No fucks were given on this track in terms of being politically correct – you drop bomb like a Pakistan – and that’s exactly why it rocks. Still one of my faves from Ice Prince.

A Long Walk [Jill Scott] – I found this song after seeing the video for – Getting In The Way – on Channel O; I figured whoever she is, there’s definitely more where that came from. And I was right. Jill Scott is a whoooooooooooooooooooooole lotta woman and I’m here for it all.

Stutter [Joe ft. Mystikal] – If you know me, you know I love Mystikal. I mean, what’s not to love about a rapper who cares about my wellbeing?  – “shake your ass, but watch yourself” – why thank you! I’ll be careful. I still remember the orange car on the dusty lone road and Mystikal losing his mind, I was entertained.

The High Road [Joss Stone] – One my all-time favourite singers. Her voice is sonorous and rich and doesn’t sound like its coming out of a white chic at all. She’s amazing. I have actual original copies of Joss Stone CDs, what does that tell you? I heard this song for the first time at an apple store in Liverpool One where I’d gone to replace my ipad screen. I struck up conversation with one of the store guys, a wide eyed Italian boy all the time wowing about how I couldn’t believe there was a Joss Stone song I didn’t know…being all cute. He took my number and proceeded to text me asking where I lived and whether he could stop by mine after his shift for drinks? I’m like sure we can do drinks but definitely not in my house; So damn forward. He never texted me again.  Black or white, men are men – looking to score with the most minimal effort. FOH!

Tired [Kelly Price] – In the land of hurt/heartbroken/angry music, Kelly Price is the Mayor. She makes great angry music but on this song, she’s not angry, she’s tired and you can actually feel her tiredness come through clearly. I found this song after a breakup. Yea yea… what’s new?   

Battle Scars [Lupe Fiasco ft. Guy Sabastian] – It’s almost 2am, I’m in my bed but obviously not asleep when my friend Hauwa buzzes me thus – have you heard this song? – I go no and she replies – look for it. And I did. And henceforth, I take music recommendations from Hauwa very seriously. It’s on my workout playlist, I kick ass to it many times a week. 

One [U2 ft Mary J. Blige] – Miss Mary finished work on this song okay? She took the bridge and chewed it and spat it out and dared anybody to come have a go and nobody did. What?!!!! I heard it for the first time on a documentary about U2 and frankly I don’t understand why because they should be ashamed to say this song is theirs, Mary owned it. 

By Your Side [Sade] – This song takes me back to Makurdi, those NTA color bars and connecting raindrops on window louvers;  which is weird because it’s not this actual song that NTA used to play, it was –Sweetest Taboo – but it just tells you how the brain makes these associations and connections. Sade is bae with her huge opon. Bae.

Step by Step [Whitney Houston] – I don’t know if I have a favourite Whitney song, but if I do then this one is the permanent second. I want to say it my fave but…. The video is so playful and happy and upbeat and Whitney’s shoulder dance is the best okay? Its one of those songs I grew up hearing around the house a lot, both my parents are huge Whitney fans and they passed it down to me. I accept.

Novacane [Frank Ocean] – Hmmmmnnn.…. A cute boy, ridiculous flirting, a train ride to Manchester, many drinks and…. plays till fade.

At this point, my vision started getting blurry so I had to stop…. And finally get that sleep.

What do you think about my music?


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