Browsing Tag

laughs

Birthday, fitness, Happy,, Health, Lifestyle, May

Freaky Friday

You wake up on a regular day going about your mundane mindless business not knowing what it holds for you and isn’t that just exciting? Mine was the late hours of Thursday into Friday morning. Nothing about that day seemed like it’d turn out to be post worthy, I really thought the most exciting thing about that it would be my Asos delivery plus the fact that a friend of mine was in Abuja from out of town and had mentioned he was going to take me out to dinner in the evening for my birthday. Sounds normal and simple right? Jokes!

See if you ask me, I’d describe this friend as a – pretty chill, easygoing, normal, decent, Jesus boy – so nothing had my bells ringing. It was just dinner, catching up and good conversation and I was looking forward to it. He had meetings that ran later than expected so dinner got bumped up to a lot later than I planned, which was ugh because fitfam [I feel guilty about eating late these days but it was my birthday so…exception :D] However, we could still hang out and I get to drink my weight in calories. Ha ha.

So we ended up going out in a group of his friends and their friends and it turned out to be a group of us knocking back shots, cracking crazy jokes and laughing a lot plus off-key singing of happy birthday songs. I was having a great time. Then one of the guys goes – “Make we go dance for that our place”  and all the guys go “yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees” and I’m talking to myself like S, this is not the time to be a party pooper, it’s your birthday and you’re allowed to let your hair down. So we head to this place in Wuse 2 that looks NOTHING like a place anyone would refer to as “that our place”. The security guys do a check and after some muzzled convo, we are let in. Let me say, I pass this place on a regular and nothing about the outside suggests that something happens on the other side of the fence that requires muzzled conversation and a pass to get in, but I was about to learn. We enter a room that looks like an Asian restaurant and as I make to sit down, one guy goes – “E be like say today no dey happen” and the waiter goes “ehn Oga, today na off day”, the guys all sigh dramatically and the ring leader dude goes, “make we go, I sabi another place”; and so we all file back out into the car and head to the next spot.

PS: I later gathered that this spot is an exclusive spot for some level of debauchery that I don’t think I’m ready for. Good thing it was “off day” lol

So we all drive to the next spot, turns out to be a club and I’m already dreading the fact that my hair was going to reek of smoke [and sweat] for the entire next day but me no party pooper so we get in. Some huge guy comes out to shake hands with ring leader dude and greets the rest of us profusely and leads us towards a tiny spiral staircase that I hadn’t noticed. I’m thinking – nice, at least we won’t be stuck with the mogbo-moya group – lol. We get upstairs and are led into a second room that leads to another door covered in a suede fabric and I’m thinking – how many more doors before I find myself in Alice’s fantasy land? Is this a Nollywood script? Is this the end? – but I’m no chicken, so I continue in bravely. And we are in. Small room. Really small. With a pole in the middle and in that moment, I realize I’m in a strip room [not club], but I don’t want to jump the gun. Perhaps it’s a multipurpose room which doubles as an exclusive room for special guests who don’t want to mix sweat downstairs with plebs. Ha ha. . I can bet a lot of you Abuja people go to this club regularly without realizing what’s happening upstairs or maybe y’all know and i’m the lastma lady. Per usual.

Drinks are ordered, music is way too long for any type of conversation but people still insist on talking which leads to a lot of nodding & smiling even if you don’t hear a word of what’s being said. Like the person may just have said “your mama is a bitch”, but you’ll be nodding & smiling; not to mention the stray saliva in one’s ears. Ugh! Anyways, we are sipping our drinks and swaying to the extra loud music and next thing I know there’s a nyash in my face like bam! I swear guys, I didn’t see her approach, all I know is that my head was turned for a split second and next thing somebody’s asshole is in my face. Yes, an actual ass hole. The one where shit comes out from. Buck naked!!! OMGOOOODNESS!!! How do I act? Am I breathing too fast? Does my smile look fake? So many questions/emotions.

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My face!!

Let me just say, this is my first time ever in a strip anything in Nigeria so I was so more confused than anything . This isn’t the night I signed up for. Why is this female rimming my glass with her coochie? Why is she focused on me? Why not the men? I’m not buying this product, I’m straight. I later gather, she’d been instructed to please me as it was my birthday. I was mortified. Not because I’m the holiest but it just didn’t work. First off, the room was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too small, thus the girls were too close for comfort and/or any type of sexy. I was like we were doctors examining body parts and y’all know nothing looks sexy under a microscope. I swear if I looked hard enough, i’d probably see how many eggs their ovaries produced this month and how clean the Fallopian tubes are; Too close! I held my breath so much I thought i’d pass out at some point. I felt light headed. The girls took turns, each one mounting the pole and doing her number for about 10 minutes each and they ranged from the Naomi Campbell-esque to the thickums to the never-have-an-extra-burger type bodies. Because the room was so small, the Naomi Campbell types were a hazard to everyone on the room; with their swinging hair & 50 inch heels, when they attempt to swing on the pole, the whole room would duck. Lmao. One guy actually said – “ahn ahn, you wan throway my drink?” *real tears* The thickums worked for the twerking and the lose-the-burger types…..oh well *shrugs* But I guess they needed to cater to all kinds since taste varies [as though women are icecream flavours]

I may be wrong but isn’t stripping more about selling a fantasy and holding the room captive by peeling the ropes off one long salivating moment at a time? These girls here would mount the pole, shake shake shake then completely stop, stand up, then proceed to remove their bra & pants in the most unsexy manner, like how you’d take yours off after a long day back from work or like they were about to go and poop/enter the shower and then they’d tie it around the pole like [make e no come loss] or they’d toss it to another of their stripper friend waiting by the sidelines and say in a loud voice “abeg hol am for me”  because the music was quite loud. WTF?!!!! Zero build-up, Zero anticipation, Zero sexy. That wasn’t stripping. There was this one whose bra looked like a sports bra…. No kidding! I was more amused than irritated.

But the entire time I sat there, I was wondering what would make ANYONE choose such an occupation. There were two of these chics that had legs that are longer than my entire height, they’d give any model a run for her moolah and they could be so much more than just N200 tips. Nobody even tipped while were there, instead the guys were making rude/lewd comments every minute – “E be like say this one done born o, her breast don fall” “this one belle wan choke am” etc. I reckon the girls don’t even have direct access to the cash as the pimps are the middlemen. In that moment, I just wanted to serenade them with Drake’s – Marvin’s Room[I’m just saying that you can do better] – Later as I was discussing this with a friend, she mentioned that the actual cash doesn’t come from these Friday night little room performances but from the parties they get flown out for. She said that the little friday shindigs were more like an audition for the big[ger] fish.  I was thinking – not for these crop of girls sha. They didn’t quite cut it. But on the other hand, you see how the pimps live? Who do you think is maxing out?

Anyways after one too many nipple smacks, clit flicking and stuff I can’t even type here, I was ready to go home. The ring leader guy was like – “I bet we showed you a good time! Happy birthday – and I was like indeed sir! I’ll never forget this experience. Cringe!

Yesterday I sat in a car that drove past that building and I just smiled to myself like…… Na me biko! Then I sent a text to my friend saying – I underestimated you. He replied with a devil horn smiley. Smh

***

I signed up for another challenge on Nike run after getting an invite from Anu; called the 7 Day Madathon. This challenge was to complete, run and cover 40km between  4th – 11th May (7 days) and i’m super proud to inform y’all that I FINISHED FIRST!!!!!!! And here’s the kicker, I completed my 40kms in 2 days 8 hours. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!!!!

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Can I gloat? When I saw the 40km challenge invite, I thought to myself that this isn’t a challenge… I do this with my eyes closed. hahahahahahha… Super stoked that I won! I’m a sore loser, so i’m very happy to have won. Congrats to everyone else who participated, its okay to be second…or third… or…… Muahahahahahaaa 😛

***

I just returned from Benue where I ate pounded yam for breakfast, at lunch and at dinner. I kid you not! But I don’t even feel once small ounce of guilt, I don’t eat pounded yam often so when I get the chance, I use it well. My sister made this soup ehn… Best!!! And I got to meet the new addition to our family – Baby Afa – too precious. So now I have 4 babies, i’m a proud aunty. My quiver is indeed full.

Btw, May Challenge is still ongoing and I feel great! Are you moving? I hope so!

Have a nice week guys.

Love

S.

 

 


24 Comments

musings, Randomness, thoughts

SHADY McShady

Nigerian parents and their unique brand of shade.

Yesterday, I was gisting with my sister and she told me how my mum wanted something but she told her she’d have to ask me first and my mum goes – “abeg ooooo, just leave it. Me I don’t to join business with”that girl”. LMAO. My mother referred to me as “that girl”, just because of money business ooooo… [there’s a back story]. Too funny. But it just got me thinking in general about how much my mother gives me shade. Like she shades the heck out of me and I don’t think I deserve it.

 
My mother is the one who first pointed out that I have skinny ankles. And she said it in a “wonder where you got that from” type tone. It made me so self-conscious about my legs that I practically lived in jeans & long pants for most of my teenage/early adult life. Until I started getting random compliments from strangers when I dare show legs, asking me to make sure I show them off more often. I realized that this is what people pray for – to never have fat legs. The short dresses I now own ehn, not from here! Infact, now we always fight about how short my dresses are, I’m like, mother…. I’m overcompensating for the years I lost. Thanks to you. Ha ha. Hello Tina Turner!

It was she who told me my uncle wanted to buy me a necklace for my birthday but she’s wondering where I’d put it as I have no neck. I still cry about this one 🙁

It was also her who while I was away in boarding school and my family was moving to a new house; found my stash of love letters & cards from my puppy love boyfriend. The moment I heard we had moved houses; I knew it was all over. Till this day, she never said a word to me about them and I didn’t dare ask. It was unspoken but totally understood. Don’t ask, won’t tell. To this day.

Over the years, we’ve just sort of worked out a shady pattern. I have identified some thus:

  1. THE NO CHILL ZONE

Me: *Very excitedly* Mummy, I hear Iveren [my niece] has started talking, she can say bye/daddy/cheese. OMG! She’s growing too fast, I miss her I. I should see you people next week, God willing….. bla bla bla *continues yapping on excitedly*

Mum: *in a very low pitch voice* Yes she is but I want to tell you something….. See, I know how much you love family and your nieces are like your kids but that’s just what it is. They are “LIKE” yours, but they really aren’t yours. There is nothing like the child of your very loins; the one that came out of you; that’s why even in the event of a separation, no matter how long it’s been, most people will go back to look for their original parents someday. *cue dramatic sigh*…

Me: Okay mummy, I’ll call you again tomorrow, my credit has finished. Bye.

Basically, Seember, it’s time to start thinking of having your own. Dang!!!

It took me a long minute to find my voice after that. Like ahn ahn mummy, why am I getting a lesson on child-parent bonds just because I asked after my niece? Have you been planning and waiting for me to fall into your trap? What’s all this? Somebody cannot even play with you again? Ok bye!

 

2. THE UNFORESEEN TRAP YOU SET FOR YOURSELF

CONVO ONE*

Me: I’m coming next week, one of my small friends is getting married and I’d love to come support her.

Mum: That’s nice; but when is your own wedding nau?

CONVO TWO*

Me:  Mummy, Mrs ABC just came and dropped [asoebi] scarf for her daughter’s wedding for you. It’s very nice, they have good taste. It can be reused sef, cheap & economical.

Mum: I’ve been doing committee of mothers for other people’s children’s weddings, when will they come and do for me?

*facepalm*

 

3. THE BLACKMAIL

*In a random conversation*

Mum: You’ve been such a good child to me, you’ve brought me so much happiness and I know God has great plans for your life. The only thing left now is husband, the day you marry will be the happiest day of my life. I will dance till my legs bleed.

Me: Thank you. God will provide.

Yea guys! Sometimes you have to resort to preacher girl mode. It’s all in God’s hands. Listen and learn!

 

4. THE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY
Mum: Is it that you’re too choosy & picky? Because I know how you can be about stuff in general
Me: *almost tearing up* I know you’re my mum and you think I’m the best thing out there but have you ever considered that maybe nobody has asked me?
Her: How can! That’s just not possible. *ponders for a bit * but wait! Are you really saying….
Me: Yes! And it’s upsetting and depressing. You don’t get it. Nobody wants me  *extra shaky voice & a teary eye*
Her: Okay okay. Sorry. God will provide

And that Ladies and gentlemen is how you flip the coin. Checkmate! Two can play this game. Nollywood, I’m ready. It’s all about getting a hang of the psychology of this entire business.

***

 

 

But… In all of this, let’s not forget that day in primary school when she stood behind the hall during the assembly session on the last day of school and screamed – that’s my daughter – as I walked across the hall to pick up my awards. I took home 6 awards that day.

How about the many times she told me that I was such a beautiful girl and that she was very proud of me [but that this is not abroad and I should chill on these skimpy clothes] ha ha

Not forgetting the many times she called me from her office, put me on speaker phone and asked me why I only got 4 A(s) this semester instead of 5 like last semester [my uni used to send term transcripts to our parents]. Or if I’m traveling anywhere fun for the mid-semester break? The fine art of Bragging about your kid 101. My mum had it on pat down! I always just knew when she was having conversations with me for the benefit of the audience she’s with and I did my best to indulge her.

But, without a doubt in my mind, nobody thinks the world of me like my mum does. As far as she’s concerned, I know everything. For as many times as she’s given me grade A shade, she’s also been my biggest cheerleader. And this crazy chicken dance we do is our love language.

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I love you Ma. Besos xx
Tell me about your shady parents in the box below.


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Election, Elections, Nigeria, Randomness

That Nigerian sense of humour

The Nigerian sense of humour is the stuff of legends. No contest! It should be bottled and sold; export worthy. I’m telling you, Nigerians are so funny. We joke about EVERYTHING!!! So much that it can get us in trouble [especially with people who don’t get us]. I personally think that our unique sense of humour is the sole reason why we are still a standing as a people/nation today. We’ll be hurting but still cracking jokes, still laughing….still marching on. Champs!!
I’ve been on twitter a long time, since 2009 *coughs* and it’s purely because twitter is jokes! In the entire time, a quick visit to my timeline is guaranteed to give me proper belly laughs to the point where I’m crying real tears; even on a bad day. Nigerians just can’t help it! Sometimes it can be annoying; but majority of the time, its pure jokes and hilarity.
Although Nigerian twitter doesn’t always get along, there are some days that some type of chemical reaction takes place that leads Nigerians to be united in the roast front and some purely epic unadulterated hilarity ensues. Stuff that you’ll remember in 5 years and still keel over laughing, jokes that comedians haven’t even dreamt of…. ALL FOR FREE. Who remembers the Rondo & Preshus twit-fight of 2011 that led to the #KpanshingPrices hashtag and went on to trend worldwide for almost a week? #RantsAboutAnts? What is the website of the nscdc? *guffaws* When Nigerian twitter gets to that level of exceptional-ness [yes I just made this word up], you better just open 3 tabs and soak it all in.
Anyways, Nigeria is currently in election season and having just concluded voting for the presidential and senatorial seats, some of the collated results from states began to be shared/announced last night according to Jega the INEC chairman’s moderation. This is a snippet of what followed.

1) Jega began the process by reading this long ass speech that went on for what seemed like 40 years… Everyone was basically like; dude, this is not why we are here oooo. Then I see this tweet on my timeline.

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LMAO! So inappropriate. Like that time when Mama peace said during a campaign that she had tasted Wike and that he is good and Nigerians start cracking jokes about how Wike must eat a lot of pineapples. LMAO I cannot!!

2) People just weren’t sold on the sign language.

FullSizeRender (4) Epp me. Eep me. WTH?!! LMAO.

FullSizeRender (2)The accuracy of this in my mind! Because, I’m pretty sure nobody says Abakiliki in sign language school. Knock it off!

FullSizeRender (1)Cry with me!

FullSizeRender (6)At this point I was crying real tears. So rude!

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Listen, I’ve been hungry many times in my life and I will tell you this, nothing else matters at that point. Please understand. Someone else said, what if the sign language fellow has already announced the winner? Plot twist!

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This one struck a nerve because, in secondary school I actually choreographed Diana Ross’s – He lives in me –  with 2 of my road dawgs and we were booed off the stage. This tweet brought back bitter repressed memories; salty tears*

FullSizeRender (11)Doesn’t even matter if sign language fellow is Muslim or seventh day Adventist. Sign of the cross it is. Have a seat Catholics!

3)FullSizeRender (5)How about they just buy scratch cards and check it online like jamb score? Yea? Okay!

4) When they announced Enugu’s result…. Hain

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But Enugu, why is the capital the same with the state? Looking at you too Bauchi, and Gombe, and Kaduna, and Kano and…. You know what? Nevermind.

5) I saw Ekiti and rice and then I went to Google images…..

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LMAO. Carbs! Where’s the protein? And the fruit? Asking for too much? #EkitiAnthem

6)

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Never have I seen more honesty being displayed. He’s excused. No further comment.

7)When the Kano result dropped……

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8) As more APC favorable results kept dropping

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Someone actually made an APC formation a’la football: 4-4-2  Ahahahaahahhahhahaha

9) Jega asked for a 4hr recess to reconvene at 8pm….

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I reckon Jega sent this back:

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…… And another 10 minute recess which lasted more than an hour.

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I think this watch should become the “Nigerian Watch”, a symbol of our IDGAFness. Our Aba brothers can make it. I should get the contract. I’ll share the proceeds with you Black Poet 😉
10) More hilarity……

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Koye wins for puns. Puntastic. Pungasm. Punny. [I better stop]

11)

FullSizeRender (9)Why cabbage? Can I be a selfish carrot instead? No wait! A selfish pink grapefruit.. at least its cute. 😀

12) Wouldn’t be complete without the #TwitterAfterDark features.

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Bad bad children. Naughty corner. Now.

13) This one….. summed it all up quite nicely

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Make that a DEFINITELY! Our sense of humour is unparalled.

 

***

Can I just say, that all the jokes and laughs aside, this is the first time that me (and many of us) are this involved in our democratic process. Nigerians are awake and our politicians aren’t sleeping easy anymore. We are asking questions, demanding our rights and fucking shit up for hitherto easy passes; and this to me is a major win already. No matter the outcome of this elections, democracy has fixed its root in Nigeria and will win. We did good and the best is yet to come. May we have peace.

God Bless Nigeria.

Cheers

S.


32 Comments

Randomness, rant

Oh the pressure….. of a name!!!

So in church today, Pastor said we should introduce ourselves to our neighbors and say hello.
Me: Hi, I’m Seember
Neighbor: Cindy?
Me: Say-aim-bay
Neighbor: Same day? Where are you from?
**Sigh**
Why is this always happening?

 

Other versions of my name I’ve heard: December, Assembly, Sumbo, Simbi, Zembe, Sambe, Samba, Simba (Mufasa that one time)…and a whole lot more ridiculousness.

 
See I’ve always thought I had a very common name. It’s Tiv. Where I’m from, if you stood in a large group of people and randomly yelled out Seember, I bet you half the room will turn because….common! So imagine my confusion when people ask and say to me in exaggerated tones “OMG! That’s such a unique name, I’ve never heard it, where is that from? Tiv? Is that from Kogi?” etc. I never quite know how to answer these.
First off, when Nigerians do this, it irritates me. Now I’m not saying all Nigerians must know every name and its origin but when I get those extra questions like “Tiv? Where is that?” I just mentally check out of that conversation.
Nigerians in general are very well read, travelled and exposed, we have friends every place. We learn their names – Chinese, Russian, Polish, German, etc – and we say them right. Names such as – Przemyslaw, Zakrzewski, Wozniak, Safstrom, Ljungberg, Eklof, Lofqvist and those footballer names – full of consonants and alphabets that are missing from the English language sef. But we say these names and we say it right. Ergo, not knowing how to pronounce a Nigerian name (or even caring to make a proper attempt) and wondering if “Tiv is Kogi” makes me wonder if it’s about selective interest. How is anyone asking if Tiv is Kogi? First off, one is a tribe/language and the other is a state, lol. And while we are on the topic, asking someone if they speak Benue/Kogi/Kaduna etc. is not correct; states are states and the languages spoken therein vary greatly even in name [stay with me!]
Now, I do not know every name in Nigeria, but I like to think I can give a good guess of possible origins when I hear any and I dare say I can pronounce it well once I’ve heard it enunciated. Didn’t we all recite our 36 States and capitals in primary school? Didn’t we all read our Simbi and Ali go to school? Bassey, Okon and Edet lived in Calabar; Passport of Mallam Ilia; and lots more? Your knowledge of Nigeria cannot be limited to Lagos, Abuja and your home state. Too poor.

 
Are you from Tiv? Do you speak Benue? No I am from Benue and I speak Tiv. My name is Seember [say-aim-bay] and I know how to say your name right. Bye for now 😀

 
PS: The other day I was watching Wendy Williams and her guest for the day was Quvenzhane Wallis; Wendy just couldn’t get it right. She said the name at least 10 times and each time wrong. Is it too much to ask that you get the name of the guest on your show right? Pfft!!

 
PPS: I took some selfies on my way back from church because….. VAIN!! Plus, you just don’t let good lighting go to waste 😀

Also, brownie points for anyone who knows the movie I referenced in the title of this post.

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Do you have one of those names that gets butchered alot? Tell me about it below, lets rant together 😀

 


23 Comments