Browsing Tag

humour

musings, Randomness, thoughts

SHADY McShady

Nigerian parents and their unique brand of shade.

Yesterday, I was gisting with my sister and she told me how my mum wanted something but she told her she’d have to ask me first and my mum goes – “abeg ooooo, just leave it. Me I don’t to join business with”that girl”. LMAO. My mother referred to me as “that girl”, just because of money business ooooo… [there’s a back story]. Too funny. But it just got me thinking in general about how much my mother gives me shade. Like she shades the heck out of me and I don’t think I deserve it.

 
My mother is the one who first pointed out that I have skinny ankles. And she said it in a “wonder where you got that from” type tone. It made me so self-conscious about my legs that I practically lived in jeans & long pants for most of my teenage/early adult life. Until I started getting random compliments from strangers when I dare show legs, asking me to make sure I show them off more often. I realized that this is what people pray for – to never have fat legs. The short dresses I now own ehn, not from here! Infact, now we always fight about how short my dresses are, I’m like, mother…. I’m overcompensating for the years I lost. Thanks to you. Ha ha. Hello Tina Turner!

It was she who told me my uncle wanted to buy me a necklace for my birthday but she’s wondering where I’d put it as I have no neck. I still cry about this one 🙁

It was also her who while I was away in boarding school and my family was moving to a new house; found my stash of love letters & cards from my puppy love boyfriend. The moment I heard we had moved houses; I knew it was all over. Till this day, she never said a word to me about them and I didn’t dare ask. It was unspoken but totally understood. Don’t ask, won’t tell. To this day.

Over the years, we’ve just sort of worked out a shady pattern. I have identified some thus:

  1. THE NO CHILL ZONE

Me: *Very excitedly* Mummy, I hear Iveren [my niece] has started talking, she can say bye/daddy/cheese. OMG! She’s growing too fast, I miss her I. I should see you people next week, God willing….. bla bla bla *continues yapping on excitedly*

Mum: *in a very low pitch voice* Yes she is but I want to tell you something….. See, I know how much you love family and your nieces are like your kids but that’s just what it is. They are “LIKE” yours, but they really aren’t yours. There is nothing like the child of your very loins; the one that came out of you; that’s why even in the event of a separation, no matter how long it’s been, most people will go back to look for their original parents someday. *cue dramatic sigh*…

Me: Okay mummy, I’ll call you again tomorrow, my credit has finished. Bye.

Basically, Seember, it’s time to start thinking of having your own. Dang!!!

It took me a long minute to find my voice after that. Like ahn ahn mummy, why am I getting a lesson on child-parent bonds just because I asked after my niece? Have you been planning and waiting for me to fall into your trap? What’s all this? Somebody cannot even play with you again? Ok bye!

 

2. THE UNFORESEEN TRAP YOU SET FOR YOURSELF

CONVO ONE*

Me: I’m coming next week, one of my small friends is getting married and I’d love to come support her.

Mum: That’s nice; but when is your own wedding nau?

CONVO TWO*

Me:  Mummy, Mrs ABC just came and dropped [asoebi] scarf for her daughter’s wedding for you. It’s very nice, they have good taste. It can be reused sef, cheap & economical.

Mum: I’ve been doing committee of mothers for other people’s children’s weddings, when will they come and do for me?

*facepalm*

 

3. THE BLACKMAIL

*In a random conversation*

Mum: You’ve been such a good child to me, you’ve brought me so much happiness and I know God has great plans for your life. The only thing left now is husband, the day you marry will be the happiest day of my life. I will dance till my legs bleed.

Me: Thank you. God will provide.

Yea guys! Sometimes you have to resort to preacher girl mode. It’s all in God’s hands. Listen and learn!

 

4. THE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY
Mum: Is it that you’re too choosy & picky? Because I know how you can be about stuff in general
Me: *almost tearing up* I know you’re my mum and you think I’m the best thing out there but have you ever considered that maybe nobody has asked me?
Her: How can! That’s just not possible. *ponders for a bit * but wait! Are you really saying….
Me: Yes! And it’s upsetting and depressing. You don’t get it. Nobody wants me  *extra shaky voice & a teary eye*
Her: Okay okay. Sorry. God will provide

And that Ladies and gentlemen is how you flip the coin. Checkmate! Two can play this game. Nollywood, I’m ready. It’s all about getting a hang of the psychology of this entire business.

***

 

 

But… In all of this, let’s not forget that day in primary school when she stood behind the hall during the assembly session on the last day of school and screamed – that’s my daughter – as I walked across the hall to pick up my awards. I took home 6 awards that day.

How about the many times she told me that I was such a beautiful girl and that she was very proud of me [but that this is not abroad and I should chill on these skimpy clothes] ha ha

Not forgetting the many times she called me from her office, put me on speaker phone and asked me why I only got 4 A(s) this semester instead of 5 like last semester [my uni used to send term transcripts to our parents]. Or if I’m traveling anywhere fun for the mid-semester break? The fine art of Bragging about your kid 101. My mum had it on pat down! I always just knew when she was having conversations with me for the benefit of the audience she’s with and I did my best to indulge her.

But, without a doubt in my mind, nobody thinks the world of me like my mum does. As far as she’s concerned, I know everything. For as many times as she’s given me grade A shade, she’s also been my biggest cheerleader. And this crazy chicken dance we do is our love language.

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I love you Ma. Besos xx
Tell me about your shady parents in the box below.


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Election, Elections, Nigeria, Randomness

That Nigerian sense of humour

The Nigerian sense of humour is the stuff of legends. No contest! It should be bottled and sold; export worthy. I’m telling you, Nigerians are so funny. We joke about EVERYTHING!!! So much that it can get us in trouble [especially with people who don’t get us]. I personally think that our unique sense of humour is the sole reason why we are still a standing as a people/nation today. We’ll be hurting but still cracking jokes, still laughing….still marching on. Champs!!
I’ve been on twitter a long time, since 2009 *coughs* and it’s purely because twitter is jokes! In the entire time, a quick visit to my timeline is guaranteed to give me proper belly laughs to the point where I’m crying real tears; even on a bad day. Nigerians just can’t help it! Sometimes it can be annoying; but majority of the time, its pure jokes and hilarity.
Although Nigerian twitter doesn’t always get along, there are some days that some type of chemical reaction takes place that leads Nigerians to be united in the roast front and some purely epic unadulterated hilarity ensues. Stuff that you’ll remember in 5 years and still keel over laughing, jokes that comedians haven’t even dreamt of…. ALL FOR FREE. Who remembers the Rondo & Preshus twit-fight of 2011 that led to the #KpanshingPrices hashtag and went on to trend worldwide for almost a week? #RantsAboutAnts? What is the website of the nscdc? *guffaws* When Nigerian twitter gets to that level of exceptional-ness [yes I just made this word up], you better just open 3 tabs and soak it all in.
Anyways, Nigeria is currently in election season and having just concluded voting for the presidential and senatorial seats, some of the collated results from states began to be shared/announced last night according to Jega the INEC chairman’s moderation. This is a snippet of what followed.

1) Jega began the process by reading this long ass speech that went on for what seemed like 40 years… Everyone was basically like; dude, this is not why we are here oooo. Then I see this tweet on my timeline.

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LMAO! So inappropriate. Like that time when Mama peace said during a campaign that she had tasted Wike and that he is good and Nigerians start cracking jokes about how Wike must eat a lot of pineapples. LMAO I cannot!!

2) People just weren’t sold on the sign language.

FullSizeRender (4) Epp me. Eep me. WTH?!! LMAO.

FullSizeRender (2)The accuracy of this in my mind! Because, I’m pretty sure nobody says Abakiliki in sign language school. Knock it off!

FullSizeRender (1)Cry with me!

FullSizeRender (6)At this point I was crying real tears. So rude!

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Listen, I’ve been hungry many times in my life and I will tell you this, nothing else matters at that point. Please understand. Someone else said, what if the sign language fellow has already announced the winner? Plot twist!

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This one struck a nerve because, in secondary school I actually choreographed Diana Ross’s – He lives in me –  with 2 of my road dawgs and we were booed off the stage. This tweet brought back bitter repressed memories; salty tears*

FullSizeRender (11)Doesn’t even matter if sign language fellow is Muslim or seventh day Adventist. Sign of the cross it is. Have a seat Catholics!

3)FullSizeRender (5)How about they just buy scratch cards and check it online like jamb score? Yea? Okay!

4) When they announced Enugu’s result…. Hain

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But Enugu, why is the capital the same with the state? Looking at you too Bauchi, and Gombe, and Kaduna, and Kano and…. You know what? Nevermind.

5) I saw Ekiti and rice and then I went to Google images…..

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LMAO. Carbs! Where’s the protein? And the fruit? Asking for too much? #EkitiAnthem

6)

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Never have I seen more honesty being displayed. He’s excused. No further comment.

7)When the Kano result dropped……

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8) As more APC favorable results kept dropping

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Someone actually made an APC formation a’la football: 4-4-2  Ahahahaahahhahhahaha

9) Jega asked for a 4hr recess to reconvene at 8pm….

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I reckon Jega sent this back:

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…… And another 10 minute recess which lasted more than an hour.

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I think this watch should become the “Nigerian Watch”, a symbol of our IDGAFness. Our Aba brothers can make it. I should get the contract. I’ll share the proceeds with you Black Poet 😉
10) More hilarity……

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Koye wins for puns. Puntastic. Pungasm. Punny. [I better stop]

11)

FullSizeRender (9)Why cabbage? Can I be a selfish carrot instead? No wait! A selfish pink grapefruit.. at least its cute. 😀

12) Wouldn’t be complete without the #TwitterAfterDark features.

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Bad bad children. Naughty corner. Now.

13) This one….. summed it all up quite nicely

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Make that a DEFINITELY! Our sense of humour is unparalled.

 

***

Can I just say, that all the jokes and laughs aside, this is the first time that me (and many of us) are this involved in our democratic process. Nigerians are awake and our politicians aren’t sleeping easy anymore. We are asking questions, demanding our rights and fucking shit up for hitherto easy passes; and this to me is a major win already. No matter the outcome of this elections, democracy has fixed its root in Nigeria and will win. We did good and the best is yet to come. May we have peace.

God Bless Nigeria.

Cheers

S.


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