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musings, Opinion, Randomness, thoughts

Blurred Lines

A quote…. A plea…. An advice…..

“Treat women the way you would like to be treated

          the way you would like your sister/mother/wife to be treated 

**Emphasis on the second line highlighted boldly**

Awwwww.  How kind and thoughtful and sweet. Right?  Well…. I see that quote all the time, I see the sentiment shared in so many different ways by both men and women and while it’s an honorable and sweet sentiment, I find the underlying implications are worrisome.

I thought to myself, hang on! So basically, to get one human being to treat another with some decency, kindness and compassion, we have to have appealed to their sense of family? That essentially, there are people who in their dealings with others can only be decent if they see the person they’re dealing with [in this case, women] as their family member? I have to say “what if I were your sister/mother/wife and someone was treating me this way” before I can access & unlock the kind/decent/compassionate side of a man’s brain? So on the flip side, if a person[man] can’t picture me as his sister/wife/mother then good luck trying to get him to NOT treat me like shit? Wow! If we were to reach then it follows that as a woman, how you will be treated has nothing to do with much – not your conduct/interaction/aura – but heavily dependent on if the other person has a mother/sister/wife [and they have a cordial relationship at the very least] and can picture you from that point of reference?

That is so fucked up!!

How then can we access this special reservoir of this unique brand of gender-relative  courtesy, kindness and compassion from the people who don’t have good relationships with their mothers/wives/sisters? What can we say to them? Such people have no benchmark in the first place, so who will be their reference point in their interactions with me? Or the ones who simply don’t have the ability to stretch their imaginations that far? Say for example, a man beats his wife and/or insults the crap out of his sisters & mother on the regular [they exist] then comes to the workplace and slaps his female colleague; based on the above sentiment, can you really fault him? Isn’t he in essence treating his colleague as he would his wife/mother/sisters? What about those guys that we see on the news who shoot/stone/behead women [and children] in those extremist religious places.  Do you really think they give a shit about whether that could be their mother/wife/sister? Haven’t we even seen scenarios where its family members instigating and leading these killings for all kinds of fucked up reasons?  If they had any respect for people’s right to life and existence [which is usually the crux], we won’t even be having this conversation.  If being a decent person in your interaction with others is going to be based on appealing to people’s sense of family ties then we must also appreciate the fact that people’s interactions with their sisters/wives/mothers vary greatly. Right? It goes beyond that. IT SHOULD! IT HAS TO! The focus should be to teach people to respect EVERY human on account of their HUMANNESS; nothing more.

I think that these types of sentiments and reasoning for what constitutes [im]proper behavior and expectations is the sister-root from whence other unhealthy facets stem. You hear stuff like “we are both from Imo state”, “na my Muslim/Christian sister/brother”, “we are from the same village”; which is all fine and dandy but what about the other persons who don’t fall under any of these umbrellas, what then? Are they fair game for shitty treatment and bad behaviour? Like when an ex told me he was pressured because the girl he had been cheating on me with was from the same state as him; as though my state of origin had suddenly changed from when we first met.

I once got into it with some royally stupid security guys at the entrance of an eatery/clubhouse and after calling me every name in the book, one of them goes – “I just dey leave you because you fit be my sister” – LOL. If this is how you act towards a person who “fit be your sister” then I shudder at how you’d treat the one wey NO fit be your sister. I soon realized that when Nigerians say stuff along these lines, they’ve already been hella disrespectful and are just trying to wrap it up with some faux sense of nicety and/or are just being a typical Nigerian by bringing up stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with the situation at hand.  It means nothing. Hogwash. Don’t think for a second that based off that flouncy sentiment, that person will hesitate to do you dirty if the opportunity presented itself.

Come to think of it, I don’t think I have ever seen/heard anybody advising women to treat men as they would their brothers/husbands/fathers. And why not?  Women can be mean too, women can be badly behaved too so why not? Abi the menfolk don’t need gender-relative sensitivity and kindness? I daresay that the former advice in itself, as honorable and well-meaning as it is also has a colorful sprinkling of sexism but I’m not going to get into that right now.

The quote rubs me a certain way especially because, I remember dating a guy who was so big on family; infact, his sister & mother are his life and it was adorable; except it didn’t stop him from cheating on me repeatedly, didn’t stop him from lying every chance he could [and even using his family member’s as a crutch for more lies], didn’t stop him from being an all-round dodgy and shitty boyfriend even though he wouldn’t want any of that for his mother or sister. So what then?

The point I’m trying to make here is, why don’t we just forget the gender and advice human beings to treat other human beings decently? You know, from one human to another and cut out this “e fit be your mama/sister/wife” bullshit.  It’s not helping anybody and it does nothing to curb people’s propensity to be vile because frankly, if you treating people decently is based on anything other than the simple/most important reason – THAT THEY ARE HUMANS, JUST LIKE YOU – then there’s a fundamental problem with your socialization process. I think that while I appreciate the sentiment and see how well-meaning it’s usually intended, I’d rather live in a world where people are taught to treat others well because….. Human.

It’s tough being a woman, even tougher being a woman in Nigeria. So while I’m looking for a guy to escort me into some premises because “prostitute until proven otherwise”, I’d appreciate it better if society implored people to treat me with common courtesy and decency simply for being human, just like the next person.

Election Weekend

This one time, in a silly & careless but totally necessary move, I left a place I shouldn’t have been at in the first place and walked by myself on a lone, dark and quiet street until I found and got into a random cab back home at 4am [all the while praying to Jesus and promising to never be so foolish]. Now if you know me, you know that was totally uncharacteristic and in hindsight, very stupid – I would never get into a random cab at night by myself and I’d never be caught dead on a lone dark street by myself let alone at 4am [nothing good happens outside at 4am]but I had to. This happened almost a year ago and even as I type this, I can’t help but wonder how inconsequential and low a person must think of you to not even bother checking if you at least got home safe, knowing fully well you were out in the dark by yourself at 4am on their account. It basically says, you can be dead and your bits chopped in a bag folded in a cab’s trunk for all I care [yes, I’m dramatic and I imagine the worst]. You’re going to teach a person like that common courtesy and decency by that quote up there? Good luck to you!!

Oh and my apologies to the boy I once told in anger that somebody will treat his sister worse than he’s treated me. What can I say?….. I’m a hypocrite. Nothing will happen to your sister okay 😀

Oh btw, I am currently obsessed with this picture of Ms.Cookie….

So much that I made it my screensaver…..

To unlock my phone, I have to slide my finger right across her boobies 😀

Air kisses to all of you :* :* :*

S.


14 Comments

Life, musings, thoughts

All The Feels

*Swats dust* Cough*

Hello my lovelies… I know! I know! I’m sorry……

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I’ve been in a funk! My current mood is so foul, I fear I may catch fire and explode soon and unfortunately i’m pissed over stuff that’s not directly within my control so there’s not much I can do except sleep and vex [which I’ve been doing alot of]. As expected, when I get into these moods, everything around me suffers, this blog inclusive. I’m Sorry.

Everyone always tells me to pray when i’m feeling this way but I just don’t know how to pray with anger in my heart; it comes out like a rant, like i’m quarreling with God – more questions/accusations, less praise/thanksgiving – so I just don’t. Like yesterday, one of my Mum’s pastor friends sent me an encouraging/prayer text out of the blue and I literally scoffed when I read it. I scoffed. It was reflex. I was surprised at myself and I felt guilty immediately but it made me worry about my state of mind. I know myself and I know when i’m revolting and thinking things like – why does God withhold good things from me if he says he is my father and he loves me? – So many whys, not enough answers.

I’m not the most upright person out there, neither am a model christian but I have a relationship with God and this relationship is very important to me. They say you relate with God how he is manifested in your life; so for me, I think about this relationship in terms of a father-daughter bond [modeled after mine and my earth dad’s]. Although he passed away in my early teens, I remember my dad so vividly and I remember how our relationship was. We were super close and I was a proper daddy’s girl. My dad loved to show me off and would do everything to make me happy; I got everything I wanted [within reason of course]. So when I read about God being my father and loving me on a level that my earth dad couldn’t have been able to fathom and I juxtapose it with the problems I have that have been pending for so long even though I’ve repeatedly prayed about them, I question this type of love. God’s love.

These are my candid thoughts.

After having time to think about it though, I had to back-track on the text situation. What are odds that someone you haven’t spoken to [therefore doesn’t know your current state of mind] will just sit down somewhere and think of you, then pick up their phone and send you a text of encouragement/prayer without knowing what you’re dealing with in that moment? How much more direct can God get? I think that’s about as subtle as Moses and the burning bush; as in… Go tell Seember that she’s on my mind and I haven’t forgotten about her. Suddenly I felt overwhelmed. However, those issues are still there and at the back of my mind, there’s that voice still reminding me that they’re very real. I’m very conflicted.

I’ve written so much in the past week, I have tons of words on paper [MS Word in this case] but I kept thinking to myself that they were too dark and gloomy to be posted here as I want my blog to always be about rainbows and sunshine but how realistic is that? I mean, this blog is supposed to capture my life, my feels, my truth so if I only post sunshine and shit then surely there’s a part of me that i’m not sharing and that’s not real.

When you feel this way, how do you cope? [Please don’t preach to me]

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30 Comments

musings, Randomness, thoughts

SHADY McShady

Nigerian parents and their unique brand of shade.

Yesterday, I was gisting with my sister and she told me how my mum wanted something but she told her she’d have to ask me first and my mum goes – “abeg ooooo, just leave it. Me I don’t to join business with”that girl”. LMAO. My mother referred to me as “that girl”, just because of money business ooooo… [there’s a back story]. Too funny. But it just got me thinking in general about how much my mother gives me shade. Like she shades the heck out of me and I don’t think I deserve it.

 
My mother is the one who first pointed out that I have skinny ankles. And she said it in a “wonder where you got that from” type tone. It made me so self-conscious about my legs that I practically lived in jeans & long pants for most of my teenage/early adult life. Until I started getting random compliments from strangers when I dare show legs, asking me to make sure I show them off more often. I realized that this is what people pray for – to never have fat legs. The short dresses I now own ehn, not from here! Infact, now we always fight about how short my dresses are, I’m like, mother…. I’m overcompensating for the years I lost. Thanks to you. Ha ha. Hello Tina Turner!

It was she who told me my uncle wanted to buy me a necklace for my birthday but she’s wondering where I’d put it as I have no neck. I still cry about this one 🙁

It was also her who while I was away in boarding school and my family was moving to a new house; found my stash of love letters & cards from my puppy love boyfriend. The moment I heard we had moved houses; I knew it was all over. Till this day, she never said a word to me about them and I didn’t dare ask. It was unspoken but totally understood. Don’t ask, won’t tell. To this day.

Over the years, we’ve just sort of worked out a shady pattern. I have identified some thus:

  1. THE NO CHILL ZONE

Me: *Very excitedly* Mummy, I hear Iveren [my niece] has started talking, she can say bye/daddy/cheese. OMG! She’s growing too fast, I miss her I. I should see you people next week, God willing….. bla bla bla *continues yapping on excitedly*

Mum: *in a very low pitch voice* Yes she is but I want to tell you something….. See, I know how much you love family and your nieces are like your kids but that’s just what it is. They are “LIKE” yours, but they really aren’t yours. There is nothing like the child of your very loins; the one that came out of you; that’s why even in the event of a separation, no matter how long it’s been, most people will go back to look for their original parents someday. *cue dramatic sigh*…

Me: Okay mummy, I’ll call you again tomorrow, my credit has finished. Bye.

Basically, Seember, it’s time to start thinking of having your own. Dang!!!

It took me a long minute to find my voice after that. Like ahn ahn mummy, why am I getting a lesson on child-parent bonds just because I asked after my niece? Have you been planning and waiting for me to fall into your trap? What’s all this? Somebody cannot even play with you again? Ok bye!

 

2. THE UNFORESEEN TRAP YOU SET FOR YOURSELF

CONVO ONE*

Me: I’m coming next week, one of my small friends is getting married and I’d love to come support her.

Mum: That’s nice; but when is your own wedding nau?

CONVO TWO*

Me:  Mummy, Mrs ABC just came and dropped [asoebi] scarf for her daughter’s wedding for you. It’s very nice, they have good taste. It can be reused sef, cheap & economical.

Mum: I’ve been doing committee of mothers for other people’s children’s weddings, when will they come and do for me?

*facepalm*

 

3. THE BLACKMAIL

*In a random conversation*

Mum: You’ve been such a good child to me, you’ve brought me so much happiness and I know God has great plans for your life. The only thing left now is husband, the day you marry will be the happiest day of my life. I will dance till my legs bleed.

Me: Thank you. God will provide.

Yea guys! Sometimes you have to resort to preacher girl mode. It’s all in God’s hands. Listen and learn!

 

4. THE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY
Mum: Is it that you’re too choosy & picky? Because I know how you can be about stuff in general
Me: *almost tearing up* I know you’re my mum and you think I’m the best thing out there but have you ever considered that maybe nobody has asked me?
Her: How can! That’s just not possible. *ponders for a bit * but wait! Are you really saying….
Me: Yes! And it’s upsetting and depressing. You don’t get it. Nobody wants me  *extra shaky voice & a teary eye*
Her: Okay okay. Sorry. God will provide

And that Ladies and gentlemen is how you flip the coin. Checkmate! Two can play this game. Nollywood, I’m ready. It’s all about getting a hang of the psychology of this entire business.

***

 

 

But… In all of this, let’s not forget that day in primary school when she stood behind the hall during the assembly session on the last day of school and screamed – that’s my daughter – as I walked across the hall to pick up my awards. I took home 6 awards that day.

How about the many times she told me that I was such a beautiful girl and that she was very proud of me [but that this is not abroad and I should chill on these skimpy clothes] ha ha

Not forgetting the many times she called me from her office, put me on speaker phone and asked me why I only got 4 A(s) this semester instead of 5 like last semester [my uni used to send term transcripts to our parents]. Or if I’m traveling anywhere fun for the mid-semester break? The fine art of Bragging about your kid 101. My mum had it on pat down! I always just knew when she was having conversations with me for the benefit of the audience she’s with and I did my best to indulge her.

But, without a doubt in my mind, nobody thinks the world of me like my mum does. As far as she’s concerned, I know everything. For as many times as she’s given me grade A shade, she’s also been my biggest cheerleader. And this crazy chicken dance we do is our love language.

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I love you Ma. Besos xx
Tell me about your shady parents in the box below.


24 Comments

Randomness, rant, thoughts, Tidbits

Do Not Psychoanalyse Me. PLEASE

One of the fastest ways to piss me off is to try and psychoanalyze me. IT TICKS ME OFF!!!!
I just don’t get how people walk around looking to tell others about how they are – valid or not.

Example:
Me: I don’t like the smell of raw chicken
Them: You know, the problem with you is that…bla bla bla..

Me: Wow. Did you just see what that guy did? Scary
Them: Did he really? You know how you are about these things….

Seriously?

Once, while getting to know a new guy, our very first whatsapp conversation read like this:
Him: I didn’t hear from you again, was wondering…
Me: I replied almost immediately, it’s probably bad network. Meanwhile, I’ve been here thinking you got my reply but decided to blow me off, perhaps you didn’t like the font of the text *an obvious joke*
Him: Interesting. I see you’re one of those people who care what people think of you meanwhile you’ll be acting all tough
Me: Lol. What? How did you make that deduction from just one sentence?
Him: *explains in three long paragraphs about how deep down I definitely care about people’s opinion of me and how I’m probably not as hardcore as I like to think I am and how I really need to stop being so hung up on other people’s opinions and do me*
Me: Okay. Thanks a lot.

Suffice to say, that’s where the conversation ended.

One time, my friend and I sat behind a couple in church whose body language was admittedly quite off. I think the woman even quarreled the guy while we watched in amusement; much to the husband’s embarrassment. My friend now goes in full analytical mode about how their marriage is probably in trouble and how she probably always embarrasses the guy in public like that and lots more. I was like come on!! Chill out Dr. Phil. We know nothing about these people, nothing! Its unfair to make such strong statements about their dynamic based on just a 10 second display. That’s how my friend and I sort of quarreled over this oo. I was irritated. lol. [Hi hun, I know you’re reading this :p]

You hear these sort of comments daily from random people -Oh, look at that lady’s haircut and body language, typical “angry black woman” [sorry Mary Jane], Oh look at that how that guy acts, he probably grew up without a father figure, Oh look, this child is so clingy, he/she probably has abandonment issues etc. So fucking tedious! Is there a high that comes with telling people about themselves? Maybe the psychoanalysis is even correct but you have to be a really special person to always walk around looking to highlight other people’s back-stories – valid or not.

Instead, let me make a suggestion as to how that the conversation should read:
Me: I don’t like the smell of raw chicken
Them: Yea, me neither/I don’t mind it at all.

Me: Wow. Did you see what that guy just did? Scary
Them: No I didn’t/Yes I did.

Simple! Every sentence I utter is not and shouldn’t be an invitation to tell me about how I am. Else, we just may have to send you off to psychology school to go get an actual license, seeing as pro-bono work has zero benefits in Nigeria.

Thanks.

NB: I currently have these on repeat. Love love love!

Why is Adam Levine so fucking hot? And I cry when the brides freak out.. so beautiful. FunFact: They actually truly just crashed random weddings in LA, none of the brides were informed prior but the grooms were told to just expect a multi-grammy award winning band.  How cool? I’d die if Maroon 5 crashed my wedding party. DIE!

Mystikal has my heart. He stole it when he said “Shake your ass, but watch yourself”… Gotta love a rapper who cares about my wellbeing. Like S, don’t forget to watch yourself while you’re shaking your ass. Ha ha. Then on the Stutter remix?.. Sold! And then he goes on Ellen? My Ellen? Sealed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmwZpGvmYVU

Rih is bae! That’s all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6M77stISbaY

Happy Saturday. Cheers xx.


4 Comments

Dating, musings, Opinion, Randomness, rant, thoughts

Dating sucks!

I hate the dating game/process. Hate!

Boy meets girl or vice versa – they vibe – they start talking – set up dates – keep other options open – not working? Bye! Working? Still keep options open sha. WTF yo?!!!! Its stressful. When you talk about dating and the stress that comes with it, people give you advice like – “Don’t over-think things”, “don’t take things so personally” “Just go with the flow” etc and my response is usually “HOW?”. Is there a switch I can just turn off and on? How do you not take it personal when someone you’ve been trading hilarity and enjoying bants with just goes cold turkey on you and you’re stuck with conversations/texts/whatsapp messages etc that just leave you questioning your comprehension skills? That someone by words or action is essentially saying to you “you just don’t do it for me[anymore]”? Especially when you really want to “do it” for them?  Am I a zombie abi a robot? Are we even allowed to admit that rejection whether implied or explicit hurts our feelings/ego? Does it make us less cool? Shebi we supposed to be all stoic and robotic and always on the “Bad bitch/nigga” P… sigh. SKRESS!!

Putting oneself out there is quite tough and it’s just not something that comes easily to me, even though I understand that it’s the only way to get to know someone…. it doesn’t make it suck less. And I understand that this is how it works, same as the process of decision making with most things in life – job, buying property/car, business etc. you have to weigh the pros & cons and see how it adds value and benefits you..yada yada yada. But how can we apply the same principle for stuff such as getting a job or running a business with matters of the heart? When a business deal falls through, does it feel like your heart is shattered in a million little pieces and you can’t breath? It does? Okay maybe that’s a bad analogy but fucking hell…. A job/business is not a human being. It doesn’t have feelings, no heartbeat,no pulse. Its just not at par. I think that approaching dating/relationships as we would with business investments is already setting oneself up for failure.

I’ve had friends say to me “I love dating”, “I enjoy dating” and I look at them like they’re speaking Spanish but overtime, I’ve realized that what they actually mean is “I love going on dates – the dinner/food/drinks” [there’s a difference]. I realize that they probably have no intent from the jump of getting to know that person truly; it was just “I’m bored, he’s available, I get to dress up” and this to me is the fundamental difference. I have never gone on a date just for the hell of it. I agree to go fully hoping I meet a nice guy with whom I make a genuine connection and this is why i’m usually disappointed when its just bleh. At that point i’m thinking – “I dressed up for this shit?”, not “at least the food was nice”. I mean, I can eat in my own damn house in my jalabia with no makeup on. It’s a waste of my time honestly and I find it quite upsetting. Dating [to me] is not a sport, it’s not something I do when i’m bored to while away time. It’s “I want to get to know this person”; too bad if it doesn’t pan out well but I just don’t come at it from the jump with the intention to just play as is the case nowadays. Waste of my time.

I like to think I’m a complete representation of myself on any platform – virtual or real life – but it seems most people aren’t a lot of the time and maybe this is the issue! Its like you’re meeting a different representative of themselves per different scenarios and its really mind boggling to me how people keep these many personas up. If you connect with me via an instant messaging platform or virtually, and we eventually make it to an actual physical date, rest assured you will be meeting the exact girl you’ve been chatting with, only prettier 😉 [this is not an ad]; but you can’t say the same for most people and maybe this is where the disconnect happens. Lord knows I can’t pretend to save my life, but maybe I need to learn it? Perhaps this is what people expect? That you stick to the script they have of you in their heads? Because right now, if you upset me, i’ll let you have it and if I’m happy, you’ll know, I can’t pretend to save my life. So I tend to assume people are 100 with me too until something happens and I’m like – wait! What? Warrapun? – sigh.

Its a cold out there guys. Maybe we need to do like our fore-fathers did it back in their time, weed out the feferity and approach this thing old school style. I personally don’t think its the worst idea to have a guy reach out to me and go “my mother knows your mother and she says you’ll make a great wife”. Ha ha. What you say?

Are you single in the city? Are you dating? What irks you? How do you swing it? Any pro-tip?

Share below.

Have a great week ahead guys.

S.


22 Comments