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Life, musings, rant, thoughts


A few days ago, someone I really care about texted me telling me some shit I wasn’t trying to hear. I slept on it and the next day I shot back a reply that simply read – “And so what?” – No explanations. No reasoning with. No long talk.

See, I have two settings in my interactions with people – family, friends, lovers – I’m either “can we talk about this?” or “radio silence”; there’s no middle ground. The “let’s talk about it” me can be quite the bug-a-boo! I’d hound your life until you talk to me but this usually never amounts to much as I’ve realized. Forcing people to talk to you doesn’t help because they don’t come open; they’re basically just trying to pacify you with a perfunctory conversation so it’s never a good thing. On the other hand, “radio silence” me is pretty self-explanatory right? Yes. In summary, you’re basically dead to me [No this isn’t me wishing death on anybody… please Nigerians]

If I’m being honest, there was a time in my life that I needed to be liked. It was important to me that I was “palatable” and that I was not ‘too this’ or ‘too that’ for the people in my life without caring how all that bending-to-fit causes arthritis; and boy did I hurt from all that twisting and bending backwards. I had to be the perfect daughter who never dared to talk back, the greatest sister who strived to provide and provide and provide until she could barely hold it together, the most loyal/supportive friend who never hesitated to be there and the generally dependable human; But on the flipside receive total disregard, ingratitude, zero support and rudeness from family and then friends who would choose when it was convenient for them to perform friendship with you… No sway!

I don’t like to upset the people I care about and I worry when I’ve hurt them, the guilt I’d feel ehn…. Sheesh! In a bid to not shake the peace, I’d swallow my real feelings and drink water, lest these feelings inconvenience or offend and people get used to that shit. I’ve learnt now though that that’s where the unresolved hurt/repressed aggression goes to hide and one day, on a seemingly normal day, during a simple conversation, a blow-out happens and everyone starts wondering where all of that came from and you start to hear shit like “ahn ahn was it that small thing?” and its obviously confusing for everyone involved and then you get tagged for overreacting and they say you’re always angry. Why? Because you haven’t always been honest about the full spectrum of your feelings at the times when you should have been and now you’ve bubbled to your limit and blown the gasket and its casualties and bodies all over the floor. Who is going to clean up all this mess? Who? Stress!

Its that same repressed vex that had me send “and so what?” in response back to a seemingly normal text message. It’s the same shit that took me on a number-blocking spree on my phone, rejecting calls and the FUCK-OFFF sign I seem to be wearing on my forehead these days. Picture me standing in the middle of a ring straight swinging for hours daring anybody to approach. Its like I’m at war and I’m dropping bodies willy nilly screaming bloody murder…. Yea, that’s current me.

It took me a looooooooooooong time to get here but I’m proud to announce that I’ve officially run out of fucks to give. My give-a-fuck account is negative! Zero fucks! If I feel a way about anything, that’s exactly what it is and there will be no buffering; not at my expense.

Ok lies! I do still give some type of fuck. On certain days, for select people/things I can muster half a fuck or ¾ fucks but this is very selective and only on days when there’s a full moon. And let me tell you, its awesome. I actually have tons of free/happy time and precious disposable income now to do fun things for myself, buy myself nice things, enjoy my life and generally seek the answer to the question – “What does S want to do today/what will make me happy today?” And it’s been quite liberating.

This year, I will NOT put up with anybody treating me less than…starting from my family all the way down to the random person on the street; not from nobody! And because my bullshit radar is tingling at a really high frequency right now, the downside of it is that it doesn’t even have to be actual BS for me to cut it. It just needs to look a little bit like it or smell a little off and its blocked from miles away…. Call it collateral damage. Nope!

My current mood is: FUCK BITCHES, GET MONEY…

I meeeeaaannn… Fuck everybody! Fuck everything. This life is mine to do with it what makes ME happy.




Life, musings

Swinging The Wrecking Ball

 Hi lovelies….

What a month I’ve had! I mean yea, it’s called the month of March but it didn’t have to be so literal did it? Even though i’m physically 100%; emotionally & mentally, i’m completely drained.

Last we talked, I did mention I was in the process of moving out of my old home so between figuring that out, securing a new space [while momentarily staring homelessness in the face], dealing with greedy/dubious agents & artisans and an unfortunate mishap requiring drawn out dealings with the police [long story], it’s been a real drain. I’m sitting here writing this, having just returned from the police station and thinking to myself how the difference between a good vs bad day in Nigeria can be attributed to something as simple and basic as Air Conditioning.

BUT… I’m still alive. And kicking it!

In the course of all these, it seems I’ve become somewhat of a recluse; ergo, plenty time to reflect – on past choices and on what’s important today – and I am happy to say that now more than ever, I’m assured that I chose right and I’m on the right path headed towards the big picture.

I also learnt recently that – No one person can be ALL things to you –  It is simply unfair and quite frankly unrealistic to think so. For several reasons, life happens! People will disappoint you [even when they don’t mean to] and it’s just human nature – all intrinsically flawed. Like a friend rightly opined – people mostly mean well but they all have their own personal stuff to deal with and it’s not easy attempting to juggle that coupled with those of friends & loved ones; so for e.g if at any point he’s being a great friend to me, he can almost bet that at that particular time, it just means he’s out there being a bad friend to another because ability, resources & time are finite. ALL FACTS.

However, there is a vast difference between those and the ones who CONSTANTLY let you down so casually without any feelings of guilt [especially when you would break your back trying not to let them down] and you must learn that difference. Something about – Making someone a priority when you’re only an option to them – 

Which leads me to this thing about expectations. Many a fancy quote exists about curbing one’s expectations to avoid disappointments… My! My! how straight-forward and easy it all sounds! However, in the actual application to life’s scenarios, how realistic is that? Every single relationship in life is built on the premise of expectations [whether explicit or implied] and the success or failure of said relationships depends heavily on how those expectations are catered to. For e.g, you expect for your parents to provide for you[till a certain age at least]; you expect for people to treat you with decency, courtesy & respect, a baby expects to be 100% tended to by it’s caregiver, you expect for a friend to help you abuse the life out the boy who broke your heart, you also expect they not go behind your back and do you dirty etc. When a baby’s nappy is full I doubt the parents will think twice about changing them because THERE IS A CODE. As adults, when your emotional sensitivity/vulnerability is pissed on by someone who should know better, it’s a full declaration of all things UN-NICE and at that point, all talks about curbing one’s expectations fly out the window. Fuck that! The only thing you can try to do is to not [knowingly] cause your friends & loved ones stress but where someone already sees you as a liability, you’ve already lost.

See, the thing about human interactions is, it’s a two-way street and you can’t talk about one in isolation of another. You must take the time to assess yourself in any scenario that stung and ensure that what you’re bringing to the table is valuable because, no value – we toss out. No questions! I don’t think people do this enough. So it’s imperative to repeat…..



Tomorrow, I resume police runs but for today…….

It’s fridaaaaaaaaaaaaay, let’s go have fun *splits*

PS: Got some great news today! Will share soonish

*cue happy dance*

Besos xx



Happy,, Holiday, Life, New Year

How I Spent My Holiday – LAGOS

Chuckles at the title of this blog post. Who remembers when we used to write those “How I Spent My Holiday” essays in primary/secondary school? The lies yo! “My daddy took our entire family to disneyland”, yea, if there was a Disneyland in Makurdi then sure! smh


What a city!

Sucks you in, seduces you, makes you fall in love with it, then completely exasperates you and when you think you’ve gotten to the point where you’re definitely done, she sucks you right back in with her seductively enticing energy! It’s no secret I have a love-hate relationship with Lagos…. This holiday though, it was mostly love. Alot of loving. I’m afraid i’m loving Lagos a little more than is healthy and that worries me.images

What did I do? Plenty!

If you follow any of my social media pages then you already have a good idea, so consider this post a wrap up of my amazing holiday and the amazing time I’ve these last couple of weeks.

1. I took pictures. Alot. Of myself, of food, of things. Vanity is my biggest sin.


2. I ATE! Alot. I also drank my weight in cocktails.

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 3. Indulged & satisfied all my sweet tooth cravings.

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**Notice how I categorized my deserts separately from the food? Reason: Food is for the stomach; desert isn’t. Desert doesn’t go to the stomach, it goes to the heart**

4. Had a lovely Christmas. Got gifted this beautiful mug. I love it.


5. Met someone.

6. Went to the beach.

6.  Caught a nasty flu/chesty cough bug. Still dealing with it. Lots of un-sexy coughing, not cute at all.

7. Went to see Wakaa The Musical. Loved it.

8.  Fasted into the New Year and spent crossover night in Church. Prayed like I’ve never prayed before – with spiritual anger. I’ve set my year in motion for good, 2016 about to be lit!

9. Went to the beach. Again.


 10.Went on a date.

11. Alot of nothing. That good type of lazy nothingness. Thoroughly enjoyed it.

12. Did not exercise AT ALL. Not even for a day. Je ne regrette rien.

I was NOT!! ha ha

On my last night, I sat at the cafe [Inspiro Galleria] and just chilled…. whispering about nothing & everything with this really sexy guy I just met.

Indeed, I had an amazing holiday.

Back home now [in Benue] eating loads of pounded yam and genger. Next week, I’ll dust the trainers & see about a detox plan.

So you see….. My 2016 is already off to an incredibly great start.

How’s yours going? How was your holiday?

Besos xx



Family, Life, musings, Randomness, thoughts

Hello….. It’s me

Hello…….. It’s me.


Are you singing along yet?

Yesterday, I was pressing my phone rather absent-mindedly, trying to set an alarm when my eyes caught the date. I blinked rapidly and looked again – 1st November 2015. Wait what?! It’s not like I didn’t already know the date but we all know there’s a difference when you see with your eye and when you see with your mind [excuse the Game of Thrones speak, I’ve been catching up]. I had a mini heart attack for like 10 seconds because …. Where has the year gone? What did I do with it? Mental checklist, what was I able to tick off my 2015 to-do list? The answer is – not a lot. And that sucks.


Do you remember back when we used to talk about the year 2000 like it was light years into the future? We’d talk as if by year 2000 we’d be writing letters about the medieval years of the past? Cars will be flying, robots will be hanging in the air dispensing cash to mortals, babies will be born with full sets of molars etc. Well look! 2000 came and went, then added 10 years to it and now we are wrapping up the 15th and headed towards the twentieth – 2020.  Indeed one is getting old.

I know we all say this all the time and it’s become a flimsy cliché but time does fly indeed and with each passing day, one needs to realize that life is passing by. It’s not on pause till you finish school, it’s not waiting until you get that job, it’s certainly not waiting to till you get married [and have that kid]; it’s not for nothing…. Life is happening right now, in this very moment, life is happening.  Are you living it?

I know that speaking for myself, I put my happiness on hold for so long for so many reasons [that seemed justified in the moment] that it’s almost as though I had completely forgotten how to genuinely enjoy a happy moment. It feels like I’m always nostalgic, wishing certain times back and basically living life with one eye permanently looking back and that’s sad because if i’m busy living in the now, I wont have time to be mulling over the “used-to(s)”. Right?

Look how happy I seem, but in actuality, I was miserable about a boy the entire summer of this photo. LOL

I realized recently that even in those times that I now think were so spectacular, there was definitely stuff I was whining about and wishing on, so truly nostalgia makes one see through rose-tinted glasses and with lots of embellishment of facts…. 

Contentment and happiness aren’t about the current state of things, it’s a choice and a mindset.

Every year, I say this is the year I do better until the next year rolls by with me repeating the same thing and it’s become like a joke, laughable really. How can your year be different if you haven’t done anything differently from the last? Life is about CONSCIOUS LIVING. Conscious steps, conscious choices, conscious plans, conscious execution, one foot in front of the other…. every day. CONSCIOUSLY. That’s living.

BUT; If I learnt nothing this year, I learnt that I have to live my life for myself and make my choices based on what works for me first before anybody else. I simply cannot tell you how liberating that is.  Prior to this realization, I self-identified as a daughter and a sister before anything else. This meant that in making my life choices/decisions, I always prioritized the collective good of my family and that the pendulum always swung to the side of what was best for everyone[irrespective of how back breaking that choice is for me as a person]. I will always choose what makes everyone else’s life easier [never mind that it meant that it was going to make my own life a lot tougher]; I just always wanted everyone to be happy and okay. I think this comes from being a first child and my natural protective-motherly instinct and if i’m being completely honest – my Savior mentality. Captain Fix it Me. Perhaps it also made me feel needed/useful/wanted when I took charge and maybe there was a part of my sense of self that hinged on being wanted/needed/useful. It made me feel good & dependable when they’d say “Beezy will sort it out” and so I’d get into fixer mode and that dependency made me afraid of being otherwise disposed, of saying “I can’t fix it this time“, “it’s not convenient for me“, “not today” and saying “No“. But it was killing me, turning me into a shadow of myself and making me thoroughly stressed [I shared a bit about that pressure here]. Slowly at first, then it got to the point where the choice was simple & clear – fix up or break from the sheer weight on my back and so I CHOSE ME. Grudgingly at first, and with a lot of tears but I finally did it. I know it sounds simple but it was not an easy journey to this realization for me. As children, we don’t quite realize how hard we internalize our parents words/ideals until we start trying to actively break out of that zone. Truly. However, the moment this light bulb lit up, it’s like I’ve been walking on air. I feel so much lighter and quite liberated and it’s reflecting in my choices and in my daily life.

I still feel a lot of guilt when I choose to assert this new self-realization, especially within my family because these type of strongholds don’t break overnight but I’m consoled by the fact that I know without a doubt in my mind that I’m doing the right thing; and I know this because of my peace of mind and also because, now more than I ever, I have gotten so much support from my family, it’s like I just needed to break out first before things settled in and i’m so glad I did.


So I can confidently say on account of this ONE THING, I won 2015. It has completely changed my life.

Can I just say, 2015 hasn’t wrapped up yet, so even you can still score your own touchdown if you want to. I saw this text-gram below on Instagram and I was so moved by it. I think it says it all. Think positive thoughts!IMG_9572.JPGI cannot over-emphasize the importance of having the right mindset, the right attitude and the right mentality… trust me, I learnt!One of the most touching moments when I felt truly loved by a person happened this year; very recently actually and let me tell you, you haven’t experienced love until you’ve experienced the unsolicited/selfless/no agenda type of love…. especially when found  in the most unexpected of places. I say this to say, when the vibes you’re exuding change, the universe takes notice. Believe that!IMG_9011.PNG


By the way; Guys…..

What monster human did this? Who shall we arrest for this? How can you put almonds in a snicker bar? Are you trying to kill me? I’m sitting here telling myself – “well, almonds are healthy” and rationalizing this shit like okay, its just 180 calories, I can burn that easy…. except I eat more than one at a seating. Christ! Somebody save me.


2yrs, 4yrs and Adult something….

Picture above is one I just decided to share with you guys today just for bonus laughs to make up for being AWOL for so long on here. Go on…. laugh till your sides hurt. Then use your church mind and tell me honestly if you’ve ever seen a more badass mean-mugging child. I think I’ve always had that face that says “I’m not here for your bullshit“. I haven’t changed faces at all. #VintageS

I really did miss you guys, tell me this love is reciprocal 😀

Talk to me in the comments please 🙂

Air Kisses for everyone.



Life, musings, Opinion, Randomness, thoughts

The art of diplomacy

“Truth without love is brutality, and love without truth is hypocrisy.”
Warren W. Wiersbe

Diplomacy: 1) The tact or skill in dealing with and handling people and managing negotiations

                              so that there is little or no ill will and no offense.

2) Approving skill in ​dealing with people without offending or upsetting them; used in a

positive way to show that you have a good opinion of something or someone

Synonyms: Tact. Subtlety. Finesse. Expedience.

Antonyms: Rudeness. Bad Manners.  Impoliteness. Ignorance.

I remember seeing a quote that read – “Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a manner that they actually look forward to the trip” – LOL. It basically is the ability to say the nastiest thing, in the nicest way.


One of my most obvious character/personality traits is that I am a very blunt person.  So much that it comes across in just a matter of minutes upon meeting me and it can either endear the newbie to me or completely turn them off, hardly in-between.  Now that’s not to say I’m walking around guns blazing looking for who to tell share scathing words with, it just means I don’t take the time to sugarcoat/rephrase what I mean to say in any conversation.

images (3)I can’t consciously tell you when I became that way but I know that I always hated when in interacting with people, I’d play blind/obtuse about something and  those people will in turn think me a fool for it, so I switched and now it’s the only way I know how to be. I tell MY truth as I see it, I never sugarcoat anything, I do not know how to pretend and I completely wear my emotions/thoughts on my face. Being this way translates into my dealings with people and in any situation, you can count on my real talk. I truly am an ALL OR NOTHING person so between that and being true to my TAUREAN/BULL personality, it’s a hard mix. I have opinions and I’m not afraid to share/stand by them. Strong opinions.

“People who keep their feelings to themselves tend not to know, after a while, what their feelings are.”
Paul Berman

But I look at it as me being straightforward & honest & a person with integrity [if you will] and in this world full of hypocrites and ass-kissers,  it has actually become something I take a lot of pride in – telling my truth the way I see it. HOWEVER, over time, one of the most consistent/recurring feedback/[constructive] criticism I’ve gotten from within my circle is that I lack diplomacy & tact and that I can sometimes come across as harsh.


Obviously, as expected, I don’t like to hear this but as the saying goes… once=happenstance, twice =coincidence and thrice… well! My dad used to say everybody else cannot be the problem, everybody else can’t be wrong – per recurring issues. And I agree. As much as I hate to admit it, it’s time to step back to re-evaluate for real. Why am I coming across this way, even though I mean well? Why am I always having to regret/be sad about an interaction that was not meant to be regrettable? Let me also point out that I try to never offer unsolicited advice as I hate it myself, it’s usually a situation of – you asked, I answered –  so I genuinely wonder why anyone ever comes to me expecting I’ll rosy it up, I’m just not the one. Also, usually by the time I snap and say something harsh, I most likely have tried many times to say it nicely/sweetly but it probably didn’t register so can I really be faulted when it becomes a tad spicier? And because people have selective memories, they conveniently forget all the times I tried to be sensitive but failed. Humans…sigh.

The truth is that I do care how I come across but also on the other hand, I can’t help thinking – are people just refusing to be accountable/responsible when they’d rather hang on to the delivery and ignore the actual point? I’m not a bullshitter. A spade is not a cutlass. I don’t have patience for people who blatantly refuse to acknowledge/deal with reality because I am the complete opposite way. If there’s an issue, I approach it head on and I think it’s cowardly to make like an ostrich and hide your head in the face of a problem. And yes, I understand that everyone isn’t the same but in that exact vein shouldn’t people then at least understand why my approach is the way it is? And I’m not one of those people who can’t take what I dish. I’m a big girl, I can handle it. So when someone tells me something I don’t want to hear, I still hear it anyway. I take it in and internalize it until I’m ready to do something about.  It’s not that hard.

I believe everyone needs that one person in their life who doesn’t sugarcoat shit, there’s a place/need for it; consider it my service to humanity LOL. I kid! But think about it, if all you have are ballons & rainbow type people around you, do you not need a balance in the equation?

However, as I’ve been told repeatedly, there is always a better way to approach stuff. ALWAYS! And judging by the guilt I tend to feel once I realize I’ve hurt someone’s feelings, I agree that perhaps my approach/delivery can be better. Infact,  if I’m being completely honest, even I tend to get defensive when I get this diplomacy criticism so it sort of sheds some understanding on how people must feel when I approach them a certain way, it’s hard not to take it that way. Nobody wants to feel like they’re being attacked, especially not from a friend/loved one; so perhaps tough love [however well-meaning] can come across as an attack and maybe that’s where the fundamental disconnect lies. Sigh.images (2)

To be honest, at this point, I don’t even know if I’ll ever learn this better way of being because I’ve been consciously working on it for so many years now and STILL get people telling me I was harsh in my delivery; so I don’t know if I’m making any progress but I do know that I’m willing to try [HARDER]. Sometimes I want to ask to be taken as I am but then what about self-improvement? If this is something that’s really a problem with me then I simply cannot ignore it [anymore]. However, I don’t think  it’s fair to aggravate someone and then turn around and ask them to be sensitive in their response to you. Still, I want to be better at this so tell me…. how can I actively practice tact and diplomacy in my everyday life and interactions?  I’m tired of being the wicked witch of Worchester…. Because I usually mean well. I really do.

“Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy.”
Isaac Newton

Interestingly, I have been toying with the idea of a PHD in the field of Arbitration, Conflict & Dispute Resolution and Diplomacy for the longest. So when I get this “you lack tact” feedback, I wonder if I’m on a rollercoaster ride to nowhere. Epp me  plix *tears*

Suggestions are welcome but don’t be harsh with it 😀