You wake up on a regular day going about your mundane mindless business not knowing what it holds for you and isn’t that just exciting? Mine was the late hours of Thursday into Friday morning. Nothing about that day seemed like it’d turn out to be post worthy, I really thought the most exciting thing about that it would be my Asos delivery plus the fact that a friend of mine was in Abuja from out of town and had mentioned he was going to take me out to dinner in the evening for my birthday. Sounds normal and simple right? Jokes!
See if you ask me, I’d describe this friend as a – pretty chill, easygoing, normal, decent, Jesus boy – so nothing had my bells ringing. It was just dinner, catching up and good conversation and I was looking forward to it. He had meetings that ran later than expected so dinner got bumped up to a lot later than I planned, which was ugh because fitfam [I feel guilty about eating late these days but it was my birthday so…exception :D] However, we could still hang out and I get to drink my weight in calories. Ha ha.
So we ended up going out in a group of his friends and their friends and it turned out to be a group of us knocking back shots, cracking crazy jokes and laughing a lot plus off-key singing of happy birthday songs. I was having a great time. Then one of the guys goes – “Make we go dance for that our place” and all the guys go “yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees” and I’m talking to myself like S, this is not the time to be a party pooper, it’s your birthday and you’re allowed to let your hair down. So we head to this place in Wuse 2 that looks NOTHING like a place anyone would refer to as “that our place”. The security guys do a check and after some muzzled convo, we are let in. Let me say, I pass this place on a regular and nothing about the outside suggests that something happens on the other side of the fence that requires muzzled conversation and a pass to get in, but I was about to learn. We enter a room that looks like an Asian restaurant and as I make to sit down, one guy goes – “E be like say today no dey happen” and the waiter goes “ehn Oga, today na off day”, the guys all sigh dramatically and the ring leader dude goes, “make we go, I sabi another place”; and so we all file back out into the car and head to the next spot.
PS: I later gathered that this spot is an exclusive spot for some level of debauchery that I don’t think I’m ready for. Good thing it was “off day” lol
So we all drive to the next spot, turns out to be a club and I’m already dreading the fact that my hair was going to reek of smoke [and sweat] for the entire next day but me no party pooper so we get in. Some huge guy comes out to shake hands with ring leader dude and greets the rest of us profusely and leads us towards a tiny spiral staircase that I hadn’t noticed. I’m thinking – nice, at least we won’t be stuck with the mogbo-moya group – lol. We get upstairs and are led into a second room that leads to another door covered in a suede fabric and I’m thinking – how many more doors before I find myself in Alice’s fantasy land? Is this a Nollywood script? Is this the end? – but I’m no chicken, so I continue in bravely. And we are in. Small room. Really small. With a pole in the middle and in that moment, I realize I’m in a strip room [not club], but I don’t want to jump the gun. Perhaps it’s a multipurpose room which doubles as an exclusive room for special guests who don’t want to mix sweat downstairs with plebs. Ha ha. . I can bet a lot of you Abuja people go to this club regularly without realizing what’s happening upstairs or maybe y’all know and i’m the lastma lady. Per usual.
Drinks are ordered, music is way too long for any type of conversation but people still insist on talking which leads to a lot of nodding & smiling even if you don’t hear a word of what’s being said. Like the person may just have said “your mama is a bitch”, but you’ll be nodding & smiling; not to mention the stray saliva in one’s ears. Ugh! Anyways, we are sipping our drinks and swaying to the extra loud music and next thing I know there’s a nyash in my face like bam! I swear guys, I didn’t see her approach, all I know is that my head was turned for a split second and next thing somebody’s asshole is in my face. Yes, an actual ass hole. The one where shit comes out from. Buck naked!!! OMGOOOODNESS!!! How do I act? Am I breathing too fast? Does my smile look fake? So many questions/emotions.
Let me just say, this is my first time ever in a strip anything in Nigeria so I was so more confused than anything . This isn’t the night I signed up for. Why is this female rimming my glass with her coochie? Why is she focused on me? Why not the men? I’m not buying this product, I’m straight. I later gather, she’d been instructed to please me as it was my birthday. I was mortified. Not because I’m the holiest but it just didn’t work. First off, the room was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too small, thus the girls were too close for comfort and/or any type of sexy. I was like we were doctors examining body parts and y’all know nothing looks sexy under a microscope. I swear if I looked hard enough, i’d probably see how many eggs their ovaries produced this month and how clean the Fallopian tubes are; Too close! I held my breath so much I thought i’d pass out at some point. I felt light headed. The girls took turns, each one mounting the pole and doing her number for about 10 minutes each and they ranged from the Naomi Campbell-esque to the thickums to the never-have-an-extra-burger type bodies. Because the room was so small, the Naomi Campbell types were a hazard to everyone on the room; with their swinging hair & 50 inch heels, when they attempt to swing on the pole, the whole room would duck. Lmao. One guy actually said – “ahn ahn, you wan throway my drink?” *real tears* The thickums worked for the twerking and the lose-the-burger types…..oh well *shrugs* But I guess they needed to cater to all kinds since taste varies [as though women are icecream flavours]
I may be wrong but isn’t stripping more about selling a fantasy and holding the room captive by peeling the ropes off one long salivating moment at a time? These girls here would mount the pole, shake shake shake then completely stop, stand up, then proceed to remove their bra & pants in the most unsexy manner, like how you’d take yours off after a long day back from work or like they were about to go and poop/enter the shower and then they’d tie it around the pole like [make e no come loss] or they’d toss it to another of their stripper friend waiting by the sidelines and say in a loud voice “abeg hol am for me” because the music was quite loud. WTF?!!!! Zero build-up, Zero anticipation, Zero sexy. That wasn’t stripping. There was this one whose bra looked like a sports bra…. No kidding! I was more amused than irritated.
But the entire time I sat there, I was wondering what would make ANYONE choose such an occupation. There were two of these chics that had legs that are longer than my entire height, they’d give any model a run for her moolah and they could be so much more than just N200 tips. Nobody even tipped while were there, instead the guys were making rude/lewd comments every minute – “E be like say this one done born o, her breast don fall” “this one belle wan choke am” etc. I reckon the girls don’t even have direct access to the cash as the pimps are the middlemen. In that moment, I just wanted to serenade them with Drake’s – Marvin’s Room[I’m just saying that you can do better] – Later as I was discussing this with a friend, she mentioned that the actual cash doesn’t come from these Friday night little room performances but from the parties they get flown out for. She said that the little friday shindigs were more like an audition for the big[ger] fish. I was thinking – not for these crop of girls sha. They didn’t quite cut it. But on the other hand, you see how the pimps live? Who do you think is maxing out?
Anyways after one too many nipple smacks, clit flicking and stuff I can’t even type here, I was ready to go home. The ring leader guy was like – “I bet we showed you a good time! Happy birthday – and I was like indeed sir! I’ll never forget this experience. Cringe!
Yesterday I sat in a car that drove past that building and I just smiled to myself like…… Na me biko! Then I sent a text to my friend saying – I underestimated you. He replied with a devil horn smiley. Smh
I signed up for another challenge on Nike run after getting an invite from Anu; called the 7 Day Madathon. This challenge was to complete, run and cover 40km between 4th – 11th May (7 days) and i’m super proud to inform y’all that I FINISHED FIRST!!!!!!! And here’s the kicker, I completed my 40kms in 2 days 8 hours. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!!!!
Can I gloat? When I saw the 40km challenge invite, I thought to myself that this isn’t a challenge… I do this with my eyes closed. hahahahahahha… Super stoked that I won! I’m a sore loser, so i’m very happy to have won. Congrats to everyone else who participated, its okay to be second…or third… or…… Muahahahahahaaa 😛
I just returned from Benue where I ate pounded yam for breakfast, at lunch and at dinner. I kid you not! But I don’t even feel once small ounce of guilt, I don’t eat pounded yam often so when I get the chance, I use it well. My sister made this soup ehn… Best!!! And I got to meet the new addition to our family – Baby Afa – too precious. So now I have 4 babies, i’m a proud aunty. My quiver is indeed full.
Btw, May Challenge is still ongoing and I feel great! Are you moving? I hope so!
Have a nice week guys.