First things first……
Happy Easter Guys!!!
How are y’all doing? Better than me I hope?
When I tell you guys I have had a crazy couple of weeks, believe me! Robbers attacked my home 2 weeks ago and even as I type this, I haven’t quite recovered from the trauma of that experience. Like I’ve always been a person with extra heightened senses a.k.a fear fear lol but following the robbery I’ve become so jumpy that even my own shadow startles me ..it’s that bad. A week after it happened, I went back once to spend the night in the affected house [in a bid to get over the fear] but I literally spent the entire night awake waiting for morning to come, after which I packed a bag and never looked back. As a matter of fact, I am typing this post from the peace and quiet of my new home [in a much more secure place]. Yep! I MOVED OUT! Don’t judge me. There was just no way around it.
So in the aftermath, I had to deal with the madness of house-hunting and moving and all it’s hectic trimmings; not forgetting to factor in the general uselessness of the Nigerian police in scenarios like this; plus the fact that the work front has been pretty tough too dealing with a very unpleasant week of unavoidable office politics. Basically….. I have been SKRESSED! Life steady serving me a tall cocktail of a shit-storm; all the demands of my responsibilities didn’t even pause for a second for me to catch my breath but….. STILL….
So when I tell you I was looking forward to this 5 day Easter break with every fibre of my being, I truly was. This is why when I got asked out on a date this weekend, I didn’t even think twice…. Been a minute I wore red lipstick so…. Let’s go!
The date itself was alright, great for the much needed break/distraction so win. My date and I are talking, vibing and all that good stuff when he asked me a simple question – “What turns you on in a man?” He asked….
Me [without missing a beat]: …… Reliability
Now I know without a doubt that he was trying to steer the conversation to a more sexual place but I was Obtuse Onyinye for the night. My response clearly had him confused for a bit but thankfully, he didn’t pursue the conversation further and I happily enjoyed the rest of my evening with a hug goodbye.
Two things –
1. Questions like “what turns you on” are right up there on the level of “what is your favourite colour/food” type question for me. It is basic and unimaginative and frankly, a waste of precious interrogation time. To ask me “what turns me on” tells me this is the type of dude with whom I’ll need to explain my jokes every time; this dude is as literal as they come. I’d be like – “It rained dogs today” and he’ll be like “you mean dogs fell from the sky? Hei… this girl you can lie oooo” Facepalm! If you’re a great conversationalist, the information you seek will eventually drop without you needing to be so high school with the questions. So instead of asking “what is ABC”, try having a conversation that will lead to ABC being shared without the person feeling like they’re being put on the spot. Subtle and easy like that. Wanna know what turns me on? Just keep the conversation lines open without going on direct fishing expeditions and pay attention; the answers will be so clear you won’t need to ask me these teenage house party drinking game questions.
2. Rinse and repeat number one.
But I digress………..
I have been on many a date this year already and I intend to go on more because I made this year my year of “recreational dating” even though I’ve protested it in the past so I thought that perhaps it’s time to save myself and all my prospectives’ time and roll out this blueprint – a copy of which will be saved and handy for quick dissemination to anyone who is interested in me. I’m all for saving precious time.
As a teenage girl growing up, if you ever asked me what I looked out for in a man, the typical “he has to be tall, dark & handsome” would not have been my response. My first ever real crush was real eye candy then but that wasn’t what cinched the deal for us; there’s no gbish gbish for an airhead. I confirmed he was on my wavelength when he wrote me a love letter and it didn’t come “out of the garden of love, as the birds were whispering in the beautiful sky and if so doxology”… ha! While girls my age were happy with supermarket greeting cards, mine made me personalized cards designed from scratch on corel draw by him and wrote me songs that had my names in the lyrics…. Basic has never been enough, I’ve always wanted more. Doxology to the left…
So even though that guy asked what turns me on in a guy; I’ll remix it for the purposes of this post. Ergo… consider this a – “What S looks out for in a man…. The blueprint”.
The quality of being trustworthy or of performing consistently well. The degree to which something can be depended on to be accurate
As I got home and pondered on it some more, I realized that my answer to the guy from earlier – “RELIABILITY” would be the same even if the question wasn’t meant in a sexual way. Reliability is truly the first thing [and the most important] character trait I look out for in any kind of friendship [with both sexes] and most especially in a relationship. I even discussed this a little in a previous post about my love language and nothing has changed since then.
There is NOTHING sexier than a person whose word you can take to the bank! Who says what they mean, who follows through on their words/promises, who stands by their beliefs, who isn’t flaky and who is just an all-round solid individual. A person who keeps their word long after the mood has passed just because they promised…. A person who will tolerate a little bit of discomfort and stick it out just so they don’t come across as dodgy.… nothing sexier!
The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.
Although closely related to reliability, Integrity is a tad different but just as important as the first. This trait is what separates the boys from the men; it sieves out the chaff and leaves the gems. A person with some modicum of moral upstandingness, nobility and honour would simply never find themselves in certain questionable situations, whether or not there is an audience. You wont need to beat him with a stick to get him to do the right thing, you wont need to sweat. The end.
I am pretty intelligent [yes I am] so pray tell what I’d be talking about with a slowie? Mr. Me has to intimidate me [in a good way] with his brain chops. I have dated a few slowies in the past and it’s a disaster waiting to crash because subconsciously, I don’t rate these men and it shows in my attitude.
Think critically, don’t just flow with conventional opinions and never stop learning. I’m not asking that he reads the encyclopedia back to cover but just be savvy in general, Shikena. A huge part of this component is Emotional intelligence because of what use are your smarts if you don’t know when to apply sense? Believe me when I tell you there is a direct vein that links this quotient to the happy juice factory in many a girl’s loins.
• SENSE OF HUMOUR
Everyone has a sense of humour, so I guess the litmus test here is – what is your brand? Brit or Love and hiphop ATL? Efe’s “based on logistics” or “go fucking chew on that Debbie Rise”? Fluent in sarcasm? I must point out here that the “brand” of humour is the most important thing. No matter how many boxes a person checks on my list, if our sense of humour is not in sync then it’s back to the drawing board because the nuances of humour-in-sync can’t be manufactured. Sorry. I am still friends/ly with all my exes and this is why – long after the fluff and the sexy has burned out, the laughs remained.
Gotta love a guy who is grounded and possesses that quiet confidence because he’s got nothing to prove, this guy has tamed his ego and his man-ness isn’t about arrogant dominance. He has no qualms showing vulnerability. Such a man understands that respect, communication, reciprocity, compromise etc are none negotiable aspects of a relationship and that being controlling and manipulative will earn him no points. He understands that his partner is his equal and her opinions/input matter. The only time I want to be subjugated is in the sack and even that requires my consent first.
Physical touch that shows fondness or tenderness, whether or not it leads to sex is heartwarming. Not necessarily campaigning for Over The Top Vom inducing PDA but let ‘em see you’re into me [and you can’t help yourself]. It’s also a subtle way of asserting ownership and this is sexy AF.
With time, feelings and money. Mr. Me needs to willingly share TONS. Holding back on any of these? We simply won’t work.
While this list is nowhere near exhaustive, it’s a VERY SOLID START. So there you have it.
Whenever I share this list, there is always that one person who jokes about how these tall lists get shorter with age. Ha ha. Not. Speaking for myself, my list has not grown shorter over the years, instead, it has grown more robust [hello Coza folk] and now more than ever, I’m more certain of not compromising on any of these as I would have in the past.
Anyways what do you make of my list? Also now that you’ve read mine, I’d like to hear yours too so please share with me down below about your “what I look for”. Has anything changed or remained the same since you last checked? Let’s hear it…
PS: Here is a photo of my gorgeous self still rocking the hell out my haircut… Just incase you’ve forgotten what my beautiful face looks like 😀
Happy Easter again guys…