Randomness

Elevator Conversations and Shenanigans

Yesterday my friend and I went to see a movie and then we bumped into another friend of mine Annie who was with his fiance [sporting her gorgeous rock] [ you did great picking that Annie] and they were meeting up with another couple so we all inevitably became a group [Lets call us: The Hilarious Six] seeing as endless belly laughs are guaranteed in Annie’s company… which is always a great thing.

So we are standing waiting for the elevator to come down for like 5 minutes and when it eventually comes, some people who had gotten to the elevator and met us waiting managed to karate chop us out of the way and get in, leaving us *the hilarious 6* all standing outside looking like – really? Annie looks at one of the guy and goes – “Oga even with this your suit & tie, you cannot behave?” Ha ha

BTW Nigerians, proper elevator etiquette [if that’s a thing] insists that you stand aside for people to come out before you rush to get stuffed in like a hot potato. The box isn’t going anywhere, it’s not agege bread.

Anyways, another ride eventually pulls up and at this point we are all standing guard by the door like – I dare anybody to attempt chancing us again”; we all made it in, a few others joined in and we proceeded to commence on the smelliest-sweatiest-saltiest-end of work hours elevator ride of our lives to the 4th floor. When I tell you that ride felt longer than 4 floors, believe me! But that wasn’t even the best part….

Some dude – burly, 9 month old beer belly, 2 shirt sizes too small, sweaty pits, upset and barking into his phone  –“whottayhu saying?!! I’m bigger than that please” “Don’t tell me that rubbish…”

*more gibberish but I forget*”

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.

He was pissed! I’m just looking at him like – sure, you’re bigger :p. I tried to make up a backstory in my head of what the scenario could possibly be – perhaps it’s a girl on the other end trying to belittle him by asking for a bicycle when she could be asking for a jeep; or perhaps it’s those spectranet people that con you into buying data that you’ll hardly use only to tell you it’s finished in 10 days! Or maybe his container just landed and the clearing agent is insisting on a transfer before anything else and as you can see, it’s after bank hours [and internet banking is not for people who sweat & wear baby sized shirts]… Hmph!! All very valid reasons to be so mad in 10 seconds lol.

But, on the real – why are you shouting into your phone [that is probably right by another person’s ear] in an air tight elevator full of people? Do we not even get a choice of what type of conversations to eavesdrop on? Can’t the conversation pause? We all know network doesn’t even hold in there and so you hear alot of “Sorry? What did you say? Ehn?” *major side eye*

On making up backstories…..

Once I met this impeccably dressed Asian chic with a sleek bob haircut on an elevator and by the time we got to my floor, I had managed to convince myself that this chic was some assassin type badass, definitely there for a job [to strangle a bad guy with her pantyhose] and will exit afterwards via a Rapunzel hose hanging from the penthouse a’la Angelina Jolie in Mr & Mrs Smith.

FunFact: Did you know you wont see the number 4 in elevators in many parts of Asia? You’d most likely see 3A in it’s place because the pronunciation for the number 4 sounds like the word for death in chinese and y’all know how Asians take that feng shui shit seriously.

Another time, I rode in uncomfortable silence with a woman who wasn’t holding anything and her help [who had like 5 grocery bags] and imagined her to be like Meryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada.

By now you can see tell that i’m silly like that – making up backstories in my head for scenarios I know none’ about; all for shits & giggles. Quite the vivid imagination I have.

But really, what is it about elevators that makes people lose their shit? *cough*cough* Solange*

Why can’t people just hold it in for 10 seconds? Like for e.g do not fart when you’re alone in an elevator thinking it’s okay because you’re by yourself because I can deadass guarantee that it’ll stop on the next floor and a very beautiful girl/handsome fella will walk in and proceed to give you the screw face until you get out and the chances of bumping into that same person for the rest of the evening [or days] suddenly explodes exponentially. You can bet on it!

Like the couple I once interrupted – knowing fully well what they’d been doing before I got in;

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I stood by the girl’s right, positioned my nose waaaay too close [bye personal space] and proceeded to breathe heavily on her neck until I got off… that’ll teach her! Guilty conscience didn’t even allow her move away, lol

I know…. I’m badly behaved sometimes.

PS: Thankful for every one who’s checked in, i’m fine; just super busy helping with planning for two weddings. How exciting! I’ll gist you guys all about it soonest.

Also still on my happy trail, life is good.

PPS: Do you have an interesting elevator story? You know you wanna share…. indulge me please 😀

Besos xx

S.


10 Comments

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10 Comments

  • Reply Robin Uzo April 15, 2016 at 1:58 am

    My days, I died reading this post! Lol @ upon your suit Nd tie, you cannot behave. And then there was the Asian chic flick within the Nigerian elevator flick. Class.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin April 15, 2016 at 9:18 am

      Thank you for reading, Robin 🙂

  • Reply Dude... April 15, 2016 at 6:50 pm

    1. I got on an elevator once, and ended up next to this girl who smelled like an ex-girlfriend I dislike so much, same perfume. Smh, It’s neat how a scent can make you think of something else.

    So, I’m strangling this girl….

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin April 15, 2016 at 7:14 pm

      Hahahahahahahaahhahaa poor chic! Her only crime was buying a perfume [albeit a poor choice].
      But yea, perfume is right up there with music in terms of transporting one to a memory [especially weird if it’s a memory you’d rather not have].
      This made me laugh, thanks for sharing

  • Reply Terrace April 15, 2016 at 7:00 pm

    I got to ride in an elevator with a little white lady who thought I wanted to rob her by my sudden movements, she screaming and pressing the red button, like, ‘Oh, he’s about to rob me!,’ which scares the shit out of me. I’m in there like a damn minstrel trying to calm her down like ‘Oh no, Miss Lady Ma’am, I’m just trying to dab for ya’

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin April 15, 2016 at 7:15 pm

      Lmaooooooo now you’re just lying! No way this really happened ??

      • Reply Terrace April 15, 2016 at 7:26 pm

        Backstory category… 🙂

  • Reply Nedoux May 5, 2016 at 11:45 am

    Hi Seember,

    How you dey?

    Ah! This was hilarious. I don’t mind sharing my personal space within reasonable limits. I’ll admit that I am quite finicky, I even give/accept hugs with some trepidation, body parts pressed together always remind me of a squished akara burger. Dunno why!

    Anyway, despite my personal space allowances (or lack of it) I refuse to be a cheerful sharer of personal space in an enclosed space like an elevator, when the sharee has an unpleasant body odour. It is so unfair!

    I once held my breath inside an elevator till I got to my floor, my self-preservation instincts did not even kick in when I started to feel light-headed from oxygen deprivation. Nah mehn.

    Well, I’ve always wondered what would be the general reaction if one farted one of those loud, bubbly, foul-smelling bombs inside an elevator. I really wonder… 🙂

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 5, 2016 at 2:23 pm

      Looooooooool Nedoux!!! You’re a riot! I laughed so loud at this; girl you have such a way with words – dancing sekem to borrow your expression.
      I am well Hun, so much going on, it’s been a flurry but I have no complaints. I know you’re good too, I’ve been keeping up with your blog and you write so beautifully & Your sense of humor is just amazing.
      About farts bombs in an elevator…. That’ll just be pure wickedness.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 5, 2016 at 5:19 pm

      Lmaooooooooooo you’re a riot Nedoux!! And you have such a way with words… Smh
      I never want to know, heck I’ve never wondered about elevator bombs, I never want to know. Lol
      I’m well my dear chic, and I know you’re well too because I’ve been keeping up with you via your amazing writing/blog. You’re quite the witty one & your sense of humor is right up my street.
      Cheers Hun xx

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