Family, Life, musings, Randomness, thoughts

Hello….. It’s me

Hello…….. It’s me.

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Are you singing along yet?

Yesterday, I was pressing my phone rather absent-mindedly, trying to set an alarm when my eyes caught the date. I blinked rapidly and looked again – 1st November 2015. Wait what?! It’s not like I didn’t already know the date but we all know there’s a difference when you see with your eye and when you see with your mind [excuse the Game of Thrones speak, I’ve been catching up]. I had a mini heart attack for like 10 seconds because …. Where has the year gone? What did I do with it? Mental checklist, what was I able to tick off my 2015 to-do list? The answer is – not a lot. And that sucks.

It’s NOVEMBER! Of the year TWO THOUSAND AND FIFTEEN.

Do you remember back when we used to talk about the year 2000 like it was light years into the future? We’d talk as if by year 2000 we’d be writing letters about the medieval years of the past? Cars will be flying, robots will be hanging in the air dispensing cash to mortals, babies will be born with full sets of molars etc. Well look! 2000 came and went, then added 10 years to it and now we are wrapping up the 15th and headed towards the twentieth – 2020.  Indeed one is getting old.

I know we all say this all the time and it’s become a flimsy cliché but time does fly indeed and with each passing day, one needs to realize that life is passing by. It’s not on pause till you finish school, it’s not waiting until you get that job, it’s certainly not waiting to till you get married [and have that kid]; it’s not for nothing…. Life is happening right now, in this very moment, life is happening.  Are you living it?

I know that speaking for myself, I put my happiness on hold for so long for so many reasons [that seemed justified in the moment] that it’s almost as though I had completely forgotten how to genuinely enjoy a happy moment. It feels like I’m always nostalgic, wishing certain times back and basically living life with one eye permanently looking back and that’s sad because if i’m busy living in the now, I wont have time to be mulling over the “used-to(s)”. Right?

Look how happy I seem, but in actuality, I was miserable about a boy the entire summer of this photo. LOL

I realized recently that even in those times that I now think were so spectacular, there was definitely stuff I was whining about and wishing on, so truly nostalgia makes one see through rose-tinted glasses and with lots of embellishment of facts…. 

Contentment and happiness aren’t about the current state of things, it’s a choice and a mindset.

Every year, I say this is the year I do better until the next year rolls by with me repeating the same thing and it’s become like a joke, laughable really. How can your year be different if you haven’t done anything differently from the last? Life is about CONSCIOUS LIVING. Conscious steps, conscious choices, conscious plans, conscious execution, one foot in front of the other…. every day. CONSCIOUSLY. That’s living.

BUT; If I learnt nothing this year, I learnt that I have to live my life for myself and make my choices based on what works for me first before anybody else. I simply cannot tell you how liberating that is.  Prior to this realization, I self-identified as a daughter and a sister before anything else. This meant that in making my life choices/decisions, I always prioritized the collective good of my family and that the pendulum always swung to the side of what was best for everyone[irrespective of how back breaking that choice is for me as a person]. I will always choose what makes everyone else’s life easier [never mind that it meant that it was going to make my own life a lot tougher]; I just always wanted everyone to be happy and okay. I think this comes from being a first child and my natural protective-motherly instinct and if i’m being completely honest – my Savior mentality. Captain Fix it Me. Perhaps it also made me feel needed/useful/wanted when I took charge and maybe there was a part of my sense of self that hinged on being wanted/needed/useful. It made me feel good & dependable when they’d say “Beezy will sort it out” and so I’d get into fixer mode and that dependency made me afraid of being otherwise disposed, of saying “I can’t fix it this time“, “it’s not convenient for me“, “not today” and saying “No“. But it was killing me, turning me into a shadow of myself and making me thoroughly stressed [I shared a bit about that pressure here]. Slowly at first, then it got to the point where the choice was simple & clear – fix up or break from the sheer weight on my back and so I CHOSE ME. Grudgingly at first, and with a lot of tears but I finally did it. I know it sounds simple but it was not an easy journey to this realization for me. As children, we don’t quite realize how hard we internalize our parents words/ideals until we start trying to actively break out of that zone. Truly. However, the moment this light bulb lit up, it’s like I’ve been walking on air. I feel so much lighter and quite liberated and it’s reflecting in my choices and in my daily life.

I still feel a lot of guilt when I choose to assert this new self-realization, especially within my family because these type of strongholds don’t break overnight but I’m consoled by the fact that I know without a doubt in my mind that I’m doing the right thing; and I know this because of my peace of mind and also because, now more than I ever, I have gotten so much support from my family, it’s like I just needed to break out first before things settled in and i’m so glad I did.

 

So I can confidently say on account of this ONE THING, I won 2015. It has completely changed my life.

Can I just say, 2015 hasn’t wrapped up yet, so even you can still score your own touchdown if you want to. I saw this text-gram below on Instagram and I was so moved by it. I think it says it all. Think positive thoughts!IMG_9572.JPGI cannot over-emphasize the importance of having the right mindset, the right attitude and the right mentality… trust me, I learnt!One of the most touching moments when I felt truly loved by a person happened this year; very recently actually and let me tell you, you haven’t experienced love until you’ve experienced the unsolicited/selfless/no agenda type of love…. especially when found  in the most unexpected of places. I say this to say, when the vibes you’re exuding change, the universe takes notice. Believe that!IMG_9011.PNG

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By the way; Guys…..

What monster human did this? Who shall we arrest for this? How can you put almonds in a snicker bar? Are you trying to kill me? I’m sitting here telling myself – “well, almonds are healthy” and rationalizing this shit like okay, its just 180 calories, I can burn that easy…. except I eat more than one at a seating. Christ! Somebody save me.

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2yrs, 4yrs and Adult something….

Picture above is one I just decided to share with you guys today just for bonus laughs to make up for being AWOL for so long on here. Go on…. laugh till your sides hurt. Then use your church mind and tell me honestly if you’ve ever seen a more badass mean-mugging child. I think I’ve always had that face that says “I’m not here for your bullshit“. I haven’t changed faces at all. #VintageS

I really did miss you guys, tell me this love is reciprocal 😀

Talk to me in the comments please 🙂

Air Kisses for everyone.

S.


14 Comments

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14 Comments

  • Reply OGE November 2, 2015 at 10:19 am

    Hahahahaha, missed you more GBS….. Such as interesting piece.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin November 2, 2015 at 10:35 am

      As I did you Oge… Thank you for reading xx

  • Reply HoneyDame November 2, 2015 at 12:35 pm

    Ahahahahahhaha…..and iiiiiiii eeeiiiiii, will always loooveeee yoooooouuuu!!!!
    See ehn, that choosing you bit…… Has been my mantra for the past few months…and what’s more, I am encouraging ALL my siblings to do the same.
    It is the person who is up who can pull the people who are down up. There is no point to all of us sharing the meagre resources to still sit at the bottom of the feed….financially, emotionally, psychologically and what not. Let us help ourselves, so that we can help one another better!
    Ain’t you but a preacher, preaching no’ng but the gospel? Bless you, sister Beezy!
    Hahahah, you really didn’t change face and really, why so damn cute?!!!! Surely, I am not the only one who feels the urge to just pull on your cheeks a little, right?!

    I am extremely grateful that through it all, 2/11/15, i’m still here and rearing to go! It can only be God!

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin November 2, 2015 at 12:43 pm

      Honey Honey… Sugar sugar [i always sing that when I see your name]
      You get me! The only difference is I don’t need to encourage mine to do same as they’ve all been doing it, it’s only me who’s just now trying to catch up ha ha
      Grown woman me, still gets my cheeks pulled, no lie. People just don’t respect me ??
      I’m glad you’re here & I’m here and we are all alive & well. Thank you for reading xx

  • Reply MrBure November 2, 2015 at 12:42 pm

    “Fix-it Felicia” LOOOOOOOL!

  • Reply chiny November 2, 2015 at 1:31 pm

    APT!!! 2015 the year I am learning to say NO to Family and Friends. The year I am learning to choose me first…
    I bear the same “first born” issues, I totally agree with HoneyDame, let us all pull each other up.
    I let go of a toxic female friendship because “CONSCIOUS LIVING”.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin November 2, 2015 at 1:45 pm

      Yaaaaaaayyyyy! You finally came out of the shadows ????????
      Thank you so much!
      Here’s to many more liberated years to come and yay to conscious living. Bless you dear ?

  • Reply Evab November 2, 2015 at 2:09 pm

    I missed you too Seember… I am only getting the hang of ‘happy for me’… versus ‘happy for me but considering that all things remain constant’. I hope I’ll not go back into my fix it mode. I really haven’t thought about me in isolation for a really long time. It’s about damn time…

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin November 2, 2015 at 2:14 pm

      Awwww Eva… Don’t make a grown woman cry*
      Going back to fix it mode is a struggle everyday because it comes so naturally for us but one day at a time. That’s how to break the cycle
      Get yours b! ?

  • Reply Cent November 2, 2015 at 4:06 pm

    Oh, finally she wrote again! I was beginning to think you’ve unceremoniously packed it in. This one is definitely worth the wait and worth it’s weight in gold!

    I’m not a full time Mr fixer but I’ve noticed I always seem to have 2 to 3 people I’m usually going against all odds to make happy at every point in my life. I’ve gotten so used to it that I doubt if I will ever be able to live life any other way though, to be honest, I’m generally an always happy person and derive so much joy from helping people.

    Anyway, good to hear you’re leading a happier life.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin November 2, 2015 at 6:20 pm

      Hi Centy…
      I’m sorry for the quiet, life was happening quite fast, needed to stand properly lol
      I’m glad you enjoyed reading and that it relatable
      Mr. Fixer isn’t such a bad thing if it doesn’t take over your entire existence
      making people happy is only beneficial when you’re not making yourself sad in the process
      so i’m glad you sound good.
      Thank you for your comment 🙂

  • Reply DDO November 2, 2015 at 8:52 pm

    Exactly what Cent said..this post is worth its weight in gold, Channel purses and emirates first class tickets!! S is back….Conscious living o!!This post preaches it to the choir in such a subtle way! Come this girl you are deep oh…like ohmagawd…

    This matter of being the fixer..my own personal deliverance came when I read this article that said most African’s have climbed out of poverty but don’t realize it because they spend so much taking care of “family” and not themselves. This doesn’t only have to apply to money..emotional coints too sef!!I’m here for setting boundaries but I appreciate the way our culture makes us look out for family..because I just see some old couples walking down the street in the new neighborhood..one person blind..one with walking stick and they are still struggling with shopping basket and what not..and I just think..”where is your family”??

    Anyway…I’m happy S has got her life * insert Tamar emoticons* Eaten Skittles and sprinkled the damn rainbow on us!

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin November 2, 2015 at 9:13 pm

      Sometimes when I get a stellar comment, I wish I could turn it into another post … This is one!
      I laughed so hard @ ohmagawd ?
      And you’re right, I love that about us that we take care of our own but shey you have to be alive to be able to take care of someone else? There’s definitely a middle ground because the polar opposite of old people being alone as oyibo people do is also sad.
      I appreciate you always kicking my ass and yammering on my whatsapp about blogging again, thank you friendship mi ??

  • Reply D'dream December 16, 2015 at 8:19 pm

    I’m already hooked here. My head is still swimming of the awesomeness I just encountered.

    I will come back to comment

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