Life, musings, thoughts

All The Feels

*Swats dust* Cough*

Hello my lovelies… I know! I know! I’m sorry……

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I’ve been in a funk! My current mood is so foul, I fear I may catch fire and explode soon and unfortunately i’m pissed over stuff that’s not directly within my control so there’s not much I can do except sleep and vex [which I’ve been doing alot of]. As expected, when I get into these moods, everything around me suffers, this blog inclusive. I’m Sorry.

Everyone always tells me to pray when i’m feeling this way but I just don’t know how to pray with anger in my heart; it comes out like a rant, like i’m quarreling with God – more questions/accusations, less praise/thanksgiving – so I just don’t. Like yesterday, one of my Mum’s pastor friends sent me an encouraging/prayer text out of the blue and I literally scoffed when I read it. I scoffed. It was reflex. I was surprised at myself and I felt guilty immediately but it made me worry about my state of mind. I know myself and I know when i’m revolting and thinking things like – why does God withhold good things from me if he says he is my father and he loves me? – So many whys, not enough answers.

I’m not the most upright person out there, neither am a model christian but I have a relationship with God and this relationship is very important to me. They say you relate with God how he is manifested in your life; so for me, I think about this relationship in terms of a father-daughter bond [modeled after mine and my earth dad’s]. Although he passed away in my early teens, I remember my dad so vividly and I remember how our relationship was. We were super close and I was a proper daddy’s girl. My dad loved to show me off and would do everything to make me happy; I got everything I wanted [within reason of course]. So when I read about God being my father and loving me on a level that my earth dad couldn’t have been able to fathom and I juxtapose it with the problems I have that have been pending for so long even though I’ve repeatedly prayed about them, I question this type of love. God’s love.

These are my candid thoughts.

After having time to think about it though, I had to back-track on the text situation. What are odds that someone you haven’t spoken to [therefore doesn’t know your current state of mind] will just sit down somewhere and think of you, then pick up their phone and send you a text of encouragement/prayer without knowing what you’re dealing with in that moment? How much more direct can God get? I think that’s about as subtle as Moses and the burning bush; as in… Go tell Seember that she’s on my mind and I haven’t forgotten about her. Suddenly I felt overwhelmed. However, those issues are still there and at the back of my mind, there’s that voice still reminding me that they’re very real. I’m very conflicted.

I’ve written so much in the past week, I have tons of words on paper [MS Word in this case] but I kept thinking to myself that they were too dark and gloomy to be posted here as I want my blog to always be about rainbows and sunshine but how realistic is that? I mean, this blog is supposed to capture my life, my feels, my truth so if I only post sunshine and shit then surely there’s a part of me that i’m not sharing and that’s not real.

When you feel this way, how do you cope? [Please don’t preach to me]

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30 Comments

  • Reply ibiayo June 10, 2015 at 10:31 am

    Lol @ don’t preach to me. Turns me off when people do that. I actually just zone out when they start. For reasons too long to type, I’m actually not a very religious person so when I find myself in this kind of moods, I tend to just repeatedly chant ‘this too shall pass’ in my head. Nothing’s permanent, it’ll pass. That might sound dismissive, but that’s actually how I get through times like this… just wait for it to pass, because it will.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin June 10, 2015 at 10:46 am

      Me too! My professor in uni actually lives by those words – this too shall pass – but he was morbid about it in that he’d remind you that even the good times aren’t permanent, sad but true right?
      I believe it’ll pass, I’m just frustrated with the waiting game. I’ve had enough.
      Thank you Ibiayo xx

  • Reply Humzeey June 10, 2015 at 10:40 am

    So, the Bible said…

    No, Lol. I will be the very last person to preach to you.

    I do know how you feel, scratch that, I feel how you feel. Yes, that’s better.

    There is no quick fix solution, you’re right to feel all the feels right now.

    Yes, He says – ‘Be anxious for nothing’, yea, Why will he tell us that if He didn’t know we will get anxious? It is within your rights to be anxious.
    ‘Be of Good cheer’, Honey, He knew you will be in a foul mood, one or five times. That’s what makes you Human.

    However, Above all the feels, let this wave of emotions, ride right past. In all your feels, you know He has got you.

    It might take a few minutes, days or however the fuck long.
    But, Know this. In the end you’ll be fine.

    These are my own thoughts, when I am in my feels as I am now.
    So, Hang in there for us two.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin June 10, 2015 at 10:49 am

      Hahahaha you little rebel!
      But you’re absolutely right Humzz and I know for a fact that you understand what this post is about.
      When are you coming to visit? I’m tired of talking to you from a damn device ??
      Thank you for the little nuggets of wisdom, mwaaahxx

  • Reply Chidinma June 10, 2015 at 11:03 am

    Well, what can I really say? I have been in this situation and it still comes once in a while. Now just like you, I don’t pray..doesn’t help matters that I have not been to church in almost 2years. So instead of ‘praying’ I talk to God like I’m gisting with him, like i’m telling him about my plights. I also write, I listen to music, I also listen to messages from different pastors(This helps alot), Joel Osteen, Mensa Otabil, Paula white to mention a few. I would advice you don’t talk to friends during this period ‘cos all they would say is ‘It is well’ or give advices you’ve heard before(My experience though, yours could be different). All in all, this is a moment for you to discover your happy place, that thing that alwayssss makes you happy even when this situation arises. Hope this helps.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin June 10, 2015 at 11:25 am

      Thank you so much Chindinma.. I hear you clearly xx

  • Reply TenTen June 10, 2015 at 11:26 am

    I think and process and reprocess and find try to find solutions and most of all time helps/heals. However, everyone needs an outlet they say..i am still working on that myself..but when i do and talk to someone openly about the issue ( which is the best) it usually feels like some of the load is off. And when i don’t want to share, which is most of the time, I just go hard in the gym ( don’t judge me). I also find solace with my sibling/family.

    • Reply TenTen June 10, 2015 at 11:36 am

      *find solace in

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin June 10, 2015 at 11:37 am

      I try not to overthink things, it drives me nuts! My outlet is being around people but not talking about my issues, great distraction . I don’t want to talk about this, I don’t always want to and I don’t feel like exercising either… Lol
      Weird place to be for me but your pointers are very practical. Thanks Ten xx

  • Reply dooshima June 10, 2015 at 11:58 am

    My solution was to drag this girl to mfm and beat the funk out of her…till we have S of three weeks ago back..till I read you said don’t preach 🙂 ..hehe..well I’m going to anyway…kinda…I’ve been waiting for one thing for 5 years. .you know what it is…I always say church tells you how to celebrate testimonies but never how to wait for them. There’s nothing wrong with how you feel..if you weren’t angry I’ll suspect you…the only thing missing here that I do is cry..prayer doesn’t help me..but music does and that’s how I stay happy( gospel especially the sad songs where the singer cries out)..life may not have changed how we expected it too but it has…and your blog is uplifting people in ways you never know…and your middle name is Joy so this funk is causing a higihaga catostrophic symbiosis diffusion serenren explodious contrast in your destiny…xo

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin June 10, 2015 at 12:23 pm

      Hahahahahahaha @ higihaga catostrophic symbiosis serenren ??????????
      Oh I’ve been crying too, a lot, just didn’t want to say before I get loud knocks on me door this peaceful Wednesday. Music is truly a life saver, only I swap Christian music for the most hardcore trap music ever made lmao, I’m dancing or rapping along soon enough.
      I’m thankful for this blog and the avenue to share, that helps a lot.
      Thank you baby girl and our 5 year miracle is going to be a double whopper, I know! Big hugs xx

  • Reply Adejo June 10, 2015 at 12:58 pm

    When I get into those moods ( dnt we all once in a while)I usually close shop and just black out…force urself outta of bed,take long walks even if aimlessly n use dat avenue to tink things thru…(it could be worse)”’ am not so much into d church thing n tank God u ain’t looking to be preached to.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin June 10, 2015 at 1:02 pm

      Thanks Adejo. Long walks definitely help xx

  • Reply Adedeji June 10, 2015 at 3:01 pm

    When I get in this type of mood, I usually just eat something good. I just treat myself to a super nice meal and worry about the cost later.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin June 10, 2015 at 5:03 pm

      I like this! Right up my street!

  • Reply Onyeka June 10, 2015 at 6:14 pm

    My darling S, I always say to myself “This TOO shall pass!!” to myself as well & for me when I say it I actually imagine all the good things that would happen to me this time next year. I also go and have a good workout with GREAT music(all the ones that lift my spirit) I know it’s a temporary high but it lasts for a few hours till the feeling comes back. And your professor is right because sadly that’s how the world is even my grandpa says it in Igbo “oteka oji do mma odi njo, otetukwa oji di njo odikwa mma” meaning after a long time of the going being good it becomes bad and after a long time of being bad it becomes good, that’s the world we live in. I know you don’t like hearing this but I am still going to say it even though I don’t know what it is, S trust me it could be WORSE!! Just stay hopeful and try to keep talking to your Heavenly Father. Sending loads of cyber hugs your way.xxxx

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin June 10, 2015 at 7:55 pm

      Thank you so much dear. I enjoy our chats always, God bless you xx

  • Reply Niz June 10, 2015 at 7:09 pm

    For me, I listen to inspirational music (gospel). It always reassures me that I’m not alone. I have also realized that there’s a permissive and purposeful will of our maker and I just always ask Him to sort me out in due course and then I try to have some peace.

    Aww, I have actually been checking here everyday for a new post. I’m sorry to learn you feel blue.

    Seember, don’t worry. You are sorted, only believe. *hugs*

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin June 10, 2015 at 7:56 pm

      Thank you Niz. I’m sorry for the long break but I’m back now. Hugs xx

  • Reply Sisieko June 11, 2015 at 6:43 am

    Hey girl!
    Let me start off by saying I really enjoy reading your blog though some words you use make me blush (I’m averse to “colourful” words…:)
    Okay! I know you don’t want to hear anyone preach, but I have to say honestly, the only way one can have true fulfillment in life is to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. This begins with accepting Him as Lord over your life and spending time with Him through His word. This way, you get to know what your true calling in life is. …. Will there be times when you are feeling down? Absolutely! But you remember quickly the daughter of whom you are and what the Word says about the situation you are going through. Every thing we need for life is in the Word. I believe it is a manual for life.

    Kai!!! My epistle is getting too long. Loll!
    I will end by saying just know that God loves you and wants the best for you. He wants you happy and you will be happy. Just keep being the gorgeous person you! Love you girl! Muah!!!

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin June 11, 2015 at 10:06 am

      Thank you Sisieko. Lol I’m sorry for the colourful words, sometimes I let it rip but believe that on here I’m a lot more censored sef he he.
      Thank you for the preaching 🙂 , I quite enjoyed reading your “epistle” as you call it. Have a nice day xx

  • Reply Anon E. Moss June 13, 2015 at 1:22 pm

    I don’t read comments before I post mine so apologies if I will be posting what someone else has said:

    Firstly, although you want this blog to be a point of motivation for your readers, if you want it to convey the real you, it might not always be rainbows and sunshine because in reality, that’s what life is.

    Now, I’m not asking you to throw pity-parties anytime you’re in a bad place but sometimes writing how you truly feel helps and who knows, you might get a support system from your comments section once in a while.

    In answer to your question, I distract myself – most times with TV/Internet/Books but never food. I purchase something nice for myself. I hang out with my younger cousins then when it’s too hard, I live it for life to take control. It is hard and mostly leaves me starving myself but it has somehow always worked for me till I can get back on my mental feet.

    I hope you become fine soon.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin June 13, 2015 at 1:36 pm

      Thank you!

  • Reply Nedoux June 13, 2015 at 7:05 pm

    Seember, I love the honesty of this post.

    Ah! These dark clouds, one just passed my roof about 4 weeks ago. I embraced it, mostly because I was helpless to do anything else about it. It overwhelmed me and I continued to scoff. Then during one scoffing session, the irony dawned on me, I felt like such a hypocrite. I busy was forming “na me trust God pass” BUT I was still scoffing when someone declared that the things I was longing for would come to pass.

    Well, for some reason that I still cannot explain, I gave myself a mental kick in my chinese behind and snapped out of it. Suddenly, I started to see lights at all the supposedly dark tunnels, so much possibilities, I made a list of what I needed to do and how I planned to achieve them, I asked God for help.

    I started doing something recently, using my phone video camera to record video diaries, I would hit the record button and just talk about how I was feeling at that moment. Very therapeutic!

    Baby geh, it will pass 😀

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin June 13, 2015 at 7:11 pm

      Ah! I love the video diary idea but for my 12gb phone.. Lol. But I definitely will try it and cringe at the sound of my voice. Ha ha
      I’m happy to hear you’re doing okay now, I’m feeling a lot better as well. Thanks dear xx

  • Reply B for Betula June 13, 2015 at 10:57 pm

    I’ve been here. I just write and keep writing (for myself). And I retreat, but I know that the retreating part only makes me feel worse, especially the next day. What always helps is spending time with loved ones – my girlfriends. Even if I don’t tell them whats up. Getting up and going to the cinema by myself, and other such things away from where I want to retreat -my room, really lifts my spirit. I admire that you shared this. Life isn’t all sunshine moments. And anyway you write like you’re talking directly to us, so we’re always listening.
    Sending you some big hugs.
    x

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin June 13, 2015 at 11:03 pm

      Thank you Betula!
      I always hope that my writing reads like a conversation between good friends and to be direct, I’m glad that comes across.
      And yes, time spent with friends is tremendous help, it’s an instant pick up but this time, I’ve planned an entire me day for Monday – hair, mani/pedi, good food etc. I’m almost there! Thanks again
      Big hugs xx

  • Reply Ohamiri June 15, 2015 at 12:35 pm

    I’m actually going through a time like this but there are 2 things stopping me from showing it to the world- pride and faith.
    Pride in that I don’t want people who rely on my sunshine demeanor to know that I experience dark days since that’s what they “need” to cope. Crazy, I know but…
    Faith that it will pass. I’ve experienced worse and those passed. How much more this minute issue.
    I’ve taken up writing to help me cope with it. It’s working so far.
    Also, when I’m so overwhelmed to the point of crying, I talk to God about my feelings as I would a friend (I’m not used to talking to people about it) and I always feel better.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin June 15, 2015 at 12:46 pm

      Wow I can’t imagine holding out on my true feelings because it’ll ruin it for the people who depend on my rainbows, that’s simply unrealistic and unfair I think that I should live like that but I understand what you mean completely.
      How crazy is it that even in our most difficult/vulnerable times, we are thinking of others? It’s truly a remarkable trait.
      I’m happy that you seem to have it figured out in terms of how to cope and your faith is worth thumbing up. Good for you!
      I hope it passes soon, for you and for me. Big hugs girl xx

  • Reply My music and me  – Gorgeous Brown Skin June 16, 2015 at 3:35 pm

    […] did tell you guys last week that I’ve been in a bit of a funk and while I’m not exactly peaches and rainbows yet, I am a lot better now than I was when I wrote […]

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