*Swats dust* Cough*
Hello my lovelies… I know! I know! I’m sorry……
I’ve been in a funk! My current mood is so foul, I fear I may catch fire and explode soon and unfortunately i’m pissed over stuff that’s not directly within my control so there’s not much I can do except sleep and vex [which I’ve been doing alot of]. As expected, when I get into these moods, everything around me suffers, this blog inclusive. I’m Sorry.
Everyone always tells me to pray when i’m feeling this way but I just don’t know how to pray with anger in my heart; it comes out like a rant, like i’m quarreling with God – more questions/accusations, less praise/thanksgiving – so I just don’t. Like yesterday, one of my Mum’s pastor friends sent me an encouraging/prayer text out of the blue and I literally scoffed when I read it. I scoffed. It was reflex. I was surprised at myself and I felt guilty immediately but it made me worry about my state of mind. I know myself and I know when i’m revolting and thinking things like – why does God withhold good things from me if he says he is my father and he loves me? – So many whys, not enough answers.
I’m not the most upright person out there, neither am a model christian but I have a relationship with God and this relationship is very important to me. They say you relate with God how he is manifested in your life; so for me, I think about this relationship in terms of a father-daughter bond [modeled after mine and my earth dad’s]. Although he passed away in my early teens, I remember my dad so vividly and I remember how our relationship was. We were super close and I was a proper daddy’s girl. My dad loved to show me off and would do everything to make me happy; I got everything I wanted [within reason of course]. So when I read about God being my father and loving me on a level that my earth dad couldn’t have been able to fathom and I juxtapose it with the problems I have that have been pending for so long even though I’ve repeatedly prayed about them, I question this type of love. God’s love.
These are my candid thoughts.
After having time to think about it though, I had to back-track on the text situation. What are odds that someone you haven’t spoken to [therefore doesn’t know your current state of mind] will just sit down somewhere and think of you, then pick up their phone and send you a text of encouragement/prayer without knowing what you’re dealing with in that moment? How much more direct can God get? I think that’s about as subtle as Moses and the burning bush; as in… Go tell Seember that she’s on my mind and I haven’t forgotten about her. Suddenly I felt overwhelmed. However, those issues are still there and at the back of my mind, there’s that voice still reminding me that they’re very real. I’m very conflicted.
I’ve written so much in the past week, I have tons of words on paper [MS Word in this case] but I kept thinking to myself that they were too dark and gloomy to be posted here as I want my blog to always be about rainbows and sunshine but how realistic is that? I mean, this blog is supposed to capture my life, my feels, my truth so if I only post sunshine and shit then surely there’s a part of me that i’m not sharing and that’s not real.
When you feel this way, how do you cope? [Please don’t preach to me]