Dating, Encouragement, Life, musings, Opinion, Randomness

Much Ado About Apologies

I’ve been sick as puppy for the past 4 days nursing malaria and flu [and aunty flo thought it was the funnest time to join the party too] so it’s been one hell of a sick cocktail. I’m not the type of person who lays in bed and acts like I’m about to die when I’m ill plus I hardly fall sick, so when I actually lay in bed, you know it really got to me. So in-between the malaria hallucinations, the uncountable rolls of tissue and nose blowing, the fluctuating temperature and inability to sleep in certain positions, I started getting stir crazy wondering where I could just go and sit and watch people and nobody will side eye me for blowing my nose every second? No where! So I did the next best thing to cheer myself up – made myself some lemon+ginger+honey tea and watched my favourite movie of all time – PRETTY WOMAN. And then it started raining… perfect weather!

If you know me, you know this is it. I can recite the entire lines in Pretty Woman from start to finish. It is my all-time favourite movie in the whole world and I can watch it every day. I think the world of Julia Roberts and her magical-musical-beautiful-widest-toothiest-MostSincereSounding-belly laugh. And I’m not alone because a quick trip to google will show you that the “Julia Roberts laugh” is actually a thing and it has quite the following. People wey sabi better thing!

Just listen to this!

Cute Story: Did you know the infamous necklace scene wasn’t actually planned? Apparently, Julia wasn’t feeling well during filming and so to make her laugh, Richard shut the case and her reaction was so perfect, they decided to keep it in the movie. Awww 🙂

Anyways, so I’m watching Vivian Ward steal Edward Lewis’ heart one belly laugh at a time and I’m laughing rather loudly from my couch when the movie gets to this part I’m not very giddy about – the fight scene after the polo event. If you haven’t seen Pretty Woman and therefore don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m sorry but I can’t believe you. Anyone who reads this blog should have watched that movie at least 10 times [I’ll add this to my header]; but I’m feeling generous right now so I’ll recap a bit. Here goes – Edward takes Vivian to this Polo event during which due to the incessant heckling from his evil stocky short lawyer friend [whose name is Stuckey… OMG I just clocked this. How Fitting!!!] he reveals that Vivian is indeed a prostitute. Expectedly, Stuckey proceeds to troll Vivian with this information and even propositions her and it all leads to Vivian and Edward getting into their first major fight. Big! Huge! [catch the plug?]

download (3)

Like I mentioned, I’ve watched this movie more times than I can count but for the first time something struck me that I hadn’t noticed before about this scene. You know how you can  listen to a song one million times but depending on where you are mentally or what you’re going through in that particular time in your life, one part of the song suddenly resonates on a level you’ve never experienced before? There! That’s exactly what happened yesterday.

Watch this!

Vivian: You hurt me

Edward: Yes

Vivian: Don’t do it again

Edward:  Nods and blinks in affirmative.

That’s all.

Listen people! When you’ve hurt someone and they come out with it to you, just the singular act of accepting and acknowledging their hurt/feelings is enough to diffuse the situation. When someone tells you you’ve hurt them, they’re hoping that you understand how your actions/inactions affected them; that’s not the time to start arguing about your thought process or how you see things [you can do this at a later time] but in that moment, just acknowledge their hurt and genuinely mean it.  You literally cripple and weaken them and only a difficult/crazy person will continue with fire after that. As in the movie, see how fired up Vivian had been, she packed her things and was ready to leave; but after that apology, she turned and went back into the suite and that marked the beginning of a deeper more genuine relationship for them.

Now if you’ve watched the movie, you know very well that Edward didn’t mean to belittle/hurt Vivian when he exasperatedly announced to Stuckey that Vivian was a prostitute. He was caught off guard and truly hadn’t envisaged answering questions about them or even being public with their relationship; plus, he was jealous when he saw her talking to David Morse[from the company they were looking to take over] but none of this mattered. When she said “you hurt me”, his only response was “yes”. Nothing more, just YES. In that moment, he prioritized her feelings. It didn’t matter what the facts were, it didn’t matter what his argument could have been, it didn’t matter the what/how/when/where; all that mattered was that she felt some type of way and he recognized that and was sorry. Simple! THIS IS HOW YOU DO AN APOLOGY. None of you, all of the aggrieved.

This to me is what constitutes a sincere and heartfelt apology.

Another thing that can make an apology extraordinary is the awareness that you have to let people come full circle on their terms. What do I mean? See when you apologise for a wrong and the person isn’t ready to accept it yet, you have to back off and let them stew and then maybe try again at another time and hope that by then they’d have come around. This is of course based on the assumption that the relationship is still important to you and you still want them in your life. There are times when people apologise for a wrong and when the wronged person rejects the apology, the wrongdoer gets mad and starts saying things like – “but I apologized, what else do you want me to do?”. In that moment, you’ve made the apology become about yourself and not the wronged person. Let people come around on their terms; chances are, that way, the emotions have fully being dealt with and there’s no residue hurt lingering to pose a threat at a later time.

One of my best male friends is someone I swore I’d never ever speak to. We had a rough patch in 2010 and he reached out to me almost immediately and apologised but I wasn’t hearing it and we pretty much existed like that until 3 years later I log on facebook on a random day and see that someone we both knew from uni had passed away. He says he saw I’d commented on the post and decided to send me a friend request which I accepted almost immediately and it wasn’t long before we were back to abusing each other everyday on whatsapp [that’s our love language]. He’s truly one of my favourite people, he makes me laugh till my sides hurt and I can be myself with him and not worry. Best guy! I had missed him too but chances are, if he had tried to talk to me sooner than he did, I still wouldn’t have listened. See, nothing about our fight/circumstance/story had changed, it was just that time had passed so I was in a better place mentally and thus ready to let it go, it was all me. I needed to get to the point where I was willing to squash it, on my terms and I’m just glad he was still willing as well. Because, let’s face it, there are times when you’re finally ready to squash the beef but the other person has completely moved on and that will suck but it’s a chance we must take. There’s no other way around it.

I’ve also been on the other side of the spectrum where it was me who was desperate for my apology to be heard/acknowledged/accepted and the person just wasn’t ready. This person didn’t even tell me what I did wrong, they just slowly X’d me out of their life and by the time I realized what was happening, I was already completely on the outside by myself and it hurt me so much because I would never have done that to them. In that moment, I could have taken my righteous indignation and rode off into the  horizon but I didn’t. I put myself in that person’s shoes and tried to understand where they were coming from ALL BY MYSELF as they wouldn’t even talk to me.  I sent messages, texts, emails, called our mutual friends, pleaded, solicited in every way I could even to an embarrassing point just to be heard because that’s just the person I am. I want to be able to look back at every interaction with anyone who ever mattered to me and know that I did everything within my power to right a perceived wrongdoing, because…..hyper-active conscience. It didn’t work. We still don’t speak but it’s not because of me as I soon realized the entire charade of anger was a facade at assuaging a guilty conscience that had nothing to do with me.

Once, I unknowingly hurt a friend and she stopped picking my calls, I was so worried and made all attempts to speak with her; when we eventually talked, I apologized and further asked that going forward, if we ever have a problem, she should please just talk to me about it like an adult. A few months go by and she stops picking my calls again…. We haven’t spoken since then and it’s been almost 2 years. I was done!! Done because I knew that if I reached out to her YET AGAIN to try and figure out what was wrong YET AGAIN, then that was going to become the dynamic of our relationship set in stone; where she’s always on one while i’m always the one scurrying around to figure out what it was and I just can’t live like that. Adults should address issues like adult. If I’m not speaking to you and it doesn’t bother you and you’re not speaking to me and it doesn’t bother me then I think we both know what that means for our relationship/friendship. I feel like the sheer effort I or anyone puts into trying to understand why/when someone is mad at them [especially when that person wont say why] is indicative of the fact that they  care; because trust me, there are people who don’t speak to me and I feel like I should write them a thank you note like – don’t ever stop! Don’t ever start. Ha ha.

I personally prefer for people to be forthright with me when I’ve upset/wronged them. Just tell me! But I’m a hypocrite because I don’t always tell people when they’ve upset me [at least not immediately]. I would eventually do so at some point but I always stew first [partly because it never ends well when I speak in anger]. So I know what it can be like; waiting for people to come around can be tough but like I said, if the relationship is important, you’d figure it out. And wait.

Another type of apology I personally detest is when people say – “I’m sorry you feel that way”. I feel like its insincere and it just doesn’t show me that the person understands or accepts the part they played in hurting me, but they’re apologizing anyways for how I may have understood their actions. In other words – I’m not sorry for what I did, I’m sorry for how you understood/interpreted it. I remember I once discussed this with a friend and he explained that when he uses that line, he’s actually acknowledging their feelings and that I’m too hung up on semantics. Lol. Maybe I am, maybe it’s true but till date, “I’m sorry you feel that way” just doesn’t ring as a sincere apology to me.

Remember though that sometimes, people don’t always set out meaning to offend/upset us, but because we are all human, shit happens so let’s try to cut each other slack. The litmus test is in the effort put into making it right. There’s probably one person/situation some of us have held on to and are waiting for an apology about….. let it go. Sometimes, you have to be okay with an apology that never came/will never come. But if it ever comes, it’ll just be a pleasant surprise. Don’t wait on it.

What do you think constitutes a sincere apology?

PS: I’m feeling a lot better, malaria has subsided considerably, I’ve only gone through one tissue roll today and my nose doesn’t feel so sore anymore. But I’m so bored, one of you should find a way to cheer me up….. movie/cheesecake ha ha 😀

La’ers xx

S.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


37 Comments

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37 Comments

  • Reply Niz May 20, 2015 at 11:31 am

    Hi, S. Nice write up. I can suggest reading up on the 5 apology languages by Gary Chapman. 🙂

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 20, 2015 at 11:52 am

      Thank you Niz. I’ll look for it xx

  • Reply Tobi May 20, 2015 at 11:35 am

    I love this! You forgot to talk about one thing though. Never doing it again. That’s a great way to apologise too.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 20, 2015 at 11:54 am

      See why I love you! Not doing it again is the most important component indeed but it stems from understanding what you did wrong & why it was wrong .
      I hate going back to edit a post after its gone live but I’m so tempted..
      Thank you Hun xx

  • Reply Tobi May 20, 2015 at 11:48 am

    Not doing it again constitutes a sincere apology, basically…

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 20, 2015 at 11:54 am

      I couldn’t agree more! You’re absolutely right

  • Reply Chidinma May 20, 2015 at 11:54 am

    Ermmmmm. I have not seen the movie oh. I was this close to harassing you on twitter on why you have not posted anything since friday but then, I thought you might be having the writer’s block thing. Thank goodness you are better now. I really can’t do anything to cheer you up, maybe you should wait for others. XO.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 20, 2015 at 11:56 am

      Lol aren’t you special Chidinma 🙂
      Just reading my blog and commenting and wishing me a quick recovery has already cheered me up. Thank you dear girl xx

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 20, 2015 at 12:03 pm

      Ps: you have to see this movie sha. Fix up! :p

  • Reply Yve May 20, 2015 at 2:17 pm

    Your write up is quite intense. Who knew pretty woman was so insightful. LOL.

    I love the movie I wont lie. I have seen it a billion times. Infact I have to watch it again. Its been a while.

    Good write up.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 20, 2015 at 4:07 pm

      Thank you Yve!
      I think you’d find lessons everywhere if you look hard enough 🙂
      Thanks for reading xx

  • Reply Gid Mallam May 20, 2015 at 2:59 pm

    This topic yeah. I could write on this for days!!!

    There’s a lot of what you said that resonates with me; some of it is stuff I had to learn the hard way.

    Personally, I don’t immediately tell people if they’ve wronged me because I like to analyze why I feel I’ve been wronged. If I believe it isn’t just my perception, or my ego being bruised, then I’ll let them know. But if it’s just me, then I deal with it myself.

    That’s one of the reasons why I agree with your friend on the “I’m sorry you feel that way.” issue. I believe it shows that even though my actions and intentions were not to hurt you, I’m apologizing for the fact that they have.

    Another great post. Well done S. Thank God you’re better now.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 20, 2015 at 4:11 pm

      Ah! I like the angle you explained the “sorry you feel that way” apology and I totally understand it but wouldn’t it be better if you just apologize without it being about how I feel? Makes sense?
      In general I’m learning to practice remembering that most times people don’t mean to hurt you, intent is everything.
      Thank you so much Femi xx

  • Reply DDO May 20, 2015 at 5:31 pm

    Love this post!! As I am in the process of contemplating letting a friend I would say was my best friend know she hurt me…and hear her side of the story..have not spoken to her in 4 years so it’s a big deal and every bit I read to really clarify my thoughts helps!
    I like what Gid Mallam said…”I’m sorry my actions hurt you” is good enough an apology for me…understanding that it hurts me counts…more than the other person seeing that particular incident as offensive.. We all have different moral compasses..so I don’t believe everyone will alway get what upsets you..but they should be able to respect that it does upset you..and be willing to seek forgiveness if you matter to them. And unless the person is Jesus Christ..I don’t believe any one who says they won’t do it again that’s just too much pressure and they will most likely fail..which will make me upset, and the cycle begin’s again..I think there are degree’s to it
    -If a friend consistently takes you for granted etc..yes walk away from that they will never change
    -if your husband consistently leaves the toilet seat up..no matter how many times you say it annoys you..and he promises never to do it again….. 🙂 sometimes you just have to love people with certain flaws…and get over yourself really, if the person/relationship brings other things of value to you. That’s another level of forgiveness/acceptance entirely..which should be reserved for a select few…
    Phew..I think this is my first comment..oya who is going to clap for me and drop the confetti? Madam Seember! …..that said..I love how deep and real this post is..and I am going to search my hard drive for Pretty Woman and see what other life lesson’s I can find. and that Julia’s laugh..I’m sorry..it sounds like a banshee…aha…and I wish you health and wealth..but a few sprinkling’s of the flu here and there because in this illness you have been extra on point !!

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 20, 2015 at 5:59 pm

      Can I just copy this entire comment and make it another post? It’s so much of everything I didn’t add. Love it. I don’t even know where to start replying from lol
      I think I differ from you about the not doing it again part – it’s important to me that people promise me that, and make concerted effort to ensure that that promise remains but your analogy makes perfect sense. There are indeed degrees to it. Thank you for this comment, it’s very insightful. And thanks for the best health wishes xx
      PS: How dare you say she sounds like a banshee?!!! Noooooooooo 🙁
      Even my mum will be mad at this, she calls Julia Roberts – Julia – without any surname like how you’d call your neighbour or best friend. Ha ha

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 20, 2015 at 7:39 pm

      But wait! It’s taking you Over 4 years to tell someone they hurt you? Gosh! I’d tell you honestly , if that was me, I’d have nothing to say to you & I most likely won’t apologize. Walahi!
      That’s waaaaay too long a time to not have informed someone about how they offended you, you know what/how much could have changed in 4 years? It can take that long for an estranged relationship to reset but to not even say why you’re upset for that long? I won’t entertain it. But your friend is probably a better human than I am and may be more agreeable so good luck girl 🙂

  • Reply Yinks May 20, 2015 at 7:27 pm

    You write soooo well, you know, big English is not plenty and your words flow seamlessly. I loved reading this.

    The way you love this movie, ehn, so funny. I find I don’t like watching movies that I’ve seen before. Aside from Ghost (Demi Moore/Patrick Swayze), now that movie I love.

    To tell the truth, I’m one of those people that when I get all up in my “feelings”, e dey Tey before I forgive. Particularly, if it’s from people close to me that I feel should know better (siblings, parents, SO). You say you’re sorry and I’m still not talking to you for days, weeks even. And every chance I get, I’m bringing it up, I know, it’s bad but working on that and getting better at letting go. With friends and people I don’t know so well, I can’t be bothered, no matter the gravity, so it seems I forgive this set of people more easily, i’ll just say my piece and avoid you from then on, if I have to.

    Glad you’re feeling better.

    Did I say I loved reading this post? Saying it again, it was lovely.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 20, 2015 at 7:44 pm

      Aww thank you Yinks!
      One of my pet peeves is when people write like they’re trying to just show off and not to communicate and be understood. Writing for me is about expression, I want to be be able to make my point clearly without confusion and I don’t need big big grammar for that.
      You’re one of those people who are harder on the people you love & who love you? Tough! They should be getting off easier than strangers! But I understand totally, you think they should know better do it hurts more when they do certain things.
      Thank you for reading and for your kind comment xx

  • Reply B for Betula (@BforBetula) May 20, 2015 at 11:59 pm

    Pretty Woman is one of my faves. Because I believed the whole thing, it was real for me!

    On apologies – acknowledging how the other person feels, even when you don’t agree shows that you’ve taken time away from focusing on you and your views to put yourself in their shoes. It goes a loong way, to fixing things in my books. Beautiful writing, Lady!

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 21, 2015 at 12:22 am

      Its still real to me. I have an aunt & mom who are into it as I am so we make random references all day in random convos and it’s all too real. My mum sees Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovich and goes oh that’s Julia … I’m like Julia? Like y’all are besties on first name basis and whatnot. Lol. Once I asked my aunt about someone’s name and she goes – ugh! The pressure of a name [rubbing her temples] and I respond – cinder fucking rella. And we both cackle endlessly. Ha ha Love it!!!
      About apologies – yes absolutely. Once someone you care about is hurt by something you did/didn’t do, your opinion/facts cease to matter [in that moment] .
      Thank you betula. I’ve binged on your blog all evening, I’m jealous you write like how I wish I could. Warm & fuzzy & yum 🙂

  • Reply Shuuun May 21, 2015 at 2:26 am

    “You literally cripple and weaken them and only a difficult/crazy person will continue with fire after that.”

    Thanks for making me realize I’m surrounded by difficult/crazy people……

    Or maybe I’m the asshole, seeing as I have to make so many apologies.

    I need a drink.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 21, 2015 at 7:38 am

      Yes Kunle…. I think the latter is probably the case ha ha :p

  • Reply Boki May 21, 2015 at 5:20 am

    Don’t ask why I’m commenting at 5am…

    This resonates with me on a pretty personal level. I used to think I was good at apologies but I find that although I mean to be it doesn’t always come across that way. I’m more of a “he/she can tell I’m sorry by my actions, can’t they?” kinda person. Which is very hypocritical of me because I’m the sort of person who demands for apologies. In writing sef. Lol!!
    It’s not even a pride thing, I just assume that if I’m close enough to you to actually offend you, you should know when/if I’m sorry. I get along with most people but I call a few people “friend” so I guess I assume they would just “know”.
    This isn’t fair of me and now I realise that.
    Am I making any sense?
    On a personal note, I believe I hurt you last year and I apologise. I want to believe that you know I didn’t mean to but that’s not the point. I’m sorry.
    I love you hon…

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 21, 2015 at 7:50 am

      Thank you Boki. I appreciate and accept your apology and can’t believe you did it here…. but thank you.
      Rest of your comment definitely makes sense, I think everyone has something they’re hypocritical about and it’s just life, we live, we learn!
      I love you too xx

  • Reply Sally May 21, 2015 at 12:02 pm

    Vivian: You hurt me
    Edward: Yes
    Vivian: Don’t do it again
    Edward: Nods and blinks in affirmative.
    First time on your blog and I am so excited reading a short review about my favorite movie in the whole world. Much ado about it…I still have the VHS copy in my family home and they respect it enough not to destroy it. I watched it standing, lying down, kneeling… late at night, anxiously waiting to watch in the morn when them parents were out to work etc. I know all the lines, the scenes n it was first mention on FB as when I signed up. The above conversation is one of my fav. It was such a touching and emotional scene.
    The love for this classic… we have in common! cant wait to be in the same shops on 5th Avenue.
    Apologies… there are a few times I have doled them out feeling like i am just massaging someones ego so I can move past a moment, so there’s a tendency to use the wrong words. one cant be too careful, it all comes from the inside. “I’m sorry you feel that way”, don’t remember using that one. I am quite generous with the ‘sorry’ word and it kinda comes easily to me. Most times than not, I mean it cos I also expect it a lot. There’s truly some magic to sincere apologies and to me, it can come in a hug, a gift (‘wink’), caring gestures and all but the words count for a lot.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 21, 2015 at 12:29 pm

      Whenever I meet someone who loves this movie just as much as I do, I’m always so excited. It’s the best!!!
      Re: Apologies – I think it varies with each person, you just have to know what works for you and the person you’re dealing with.
      Thank you for checking out my blog, pls come back often xx

  • Reply Sesugh May 21, 2015 at 3:29 pm

    I’ve watched pretty woman over a million times. Ok, That was obviously exaggerated, but what I’m trying to say is I’ve watched the movie right from the time when my best movies were pretty much about flashing images(not dialogue) to this very point where I consider it to be something you watch and drink good wine if you decide not to go out on a Friday night.
    And if you if you’re not too ‘religious’ to ignore the fact that the movie is centered around a very rich man and a prostitute it will probably be among the best things you’ve done with a hundred and twenty minutes in your entire lifetime.
    Apologies……….i feel apologies should ALWAYS sound like the person who is apologizing is truly seeking redemption. Apologies shouldn’t be like Backhanded Compliments……..making you feel good while also cutting you down in the same breath.
    On the “I’m sorry you feel that way” type apologies, I’d say its an issue of perspective. I feel that saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” to someone you’ve offended isn’t wrong as long as you’re going to accompany it with words like “i didn’t do that intentionally to spite you” or something like that. Saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” alone is somewhat disrespectful.

    PS: I loved the post ‘Birthday shenanigans’. It was the first post I ever read from your blog. I think we can both agree that you should’ve started this long ago. You’re a natural. Keep up the good work.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 21, 2015 at 4:06 pm

      First off!! You’re finally here Yaaaaay. Thank and welcome.
      I already like you a lot for many reasons but now I know you love pretty woman and it’s like, set in stone. Definitely my person.
      I agree with you about the backhanded compliment comparison, that’s a smelling attempt. And yes definitely about an accompanying sentence after saying I’m sorry you feel that way, as a standalone, it just doesn’t work for me.
      I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog as much as I hoped my readers would. I’ll never stop! Thank you so much xx

  • Reply Nedoux May 22, 2015 at 7:54 pm

    Lady Seember,

    You write beautifully o! You sabi dance sekem with English.

    This post is very profound and meaningful. I remember a musical movie I watched as a child, it was called “Give a dog a bone”, one of the songs was “Please, Thank you and Sorry”. Those 3 words really make human relationships a lot bearable.

    Pele, I just recovered from an annoying bout of malaria, the medication made me feel worse than the malaria itself. Get well soon!

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 22, 2015 at 8:33 pm

      Ha ha @ sekem. Thank you so much Nedoux….I’m happy you enjoyed reading as much as I did writing it.
      Please, thank you and sorry truly make human interactions a lot more bearable.
      I hope you’re better too. Thank you for the well wishes xx

  • Reply Metrogypsie May 23, 2015 at 6:58 am

    A sincere apology in a relationship, I really don’t have to hear I’m sorry, just fucking never repeat what it was and acknowledge me when I complain about it just like in the movie. Some ‘I’m sorrys’ are very disgusting especially in relationships where Oh guys are constantly in your faces and getting to know each other.

    With friends, just apologize…except I’m going to cut you off I’d really rather move on.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 23, 2015 at 1:31 pm

      Like DDO mentioned in her comment, expecting for there to never be a repeat is a lot to ask of anybody [depending on what it is] but I’m just like you in this regard – don’t do it anything!
      I like how you differentiate apology expectations between friendships & relationships because there is a major difference indeed.

  • Reply Humzeey May 26, 2015 at 12:47 pm

    Apologies are difficult, until recently I never knew how to give them or accept them.

    To me, it has always been a test of how vulnerable I wanted to let myself be with the recipient of this said Apology, so I most often resorted to silence.
    So yes, I rarely said I was sorry. And I tried within my power to make sure I was never in a position to ever Apologise.

    Then Life happened, LOL.

    Now, I’ve come to realise that, most times, whether heartfelt or not, Apologises are necessary, it literally diffuses a lot of awkward conversations.
    It’s a gateway for future conversations and for me, it comes from a point where I’ve made a decision to make things right.

    Hope this makes sense.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 26, 2015 at 6:21 pm

      How weird! I’d never have pegged you for someone who had difficulty with saying sorry because of how easygoing you are plus how well you can string words together…. But I realise that like you said, you try not to put yourself in a position where an apology is warranted and that’s why.
      I’m glad you see the importance now :*

  • Reply Bola A. June 24, 2015 at 12:42 pm

    Heyy! I know this blogpost is sorta old but it resonated deeply with me that I felt like commenting anyway.
    I’ve watched Pretty Woman but for some reason that part didn’t hit me until you pointed it out. When someone says that we have hurt them we really do not get to decide that we didn’t. It’s just that sometimes, I can be really in my feelings over that particular issue and feel that I’m being misunderstood and that maybe if the person understood where I was coming from, they wouldn’t feel as hurt as they do. I realize now that I don’t have the right to say or insist on this. A person is hurt because they are hurt and it’s my place to acknowledge that I’ve hurt them and apologize. It’s just that it’s sooo hard sometimes when all I want to do is defend myself!!!
    You also touched on something that happened recently with a super close friend of mine. We got into a fight over the phone and he was over the conversation but I wasn’t and I hate leaving things unresolved. We ended the conversation and I sent him a long voicenote which he didn’t listen to and only upset him further because he wanted nothing more than to be left alone to deal with his feelings. Lesson learnt. Going forward I know now to let a person who is still upset with me get over it in their own time. It’s really hard to be honest cause there’s still the super defensive nature that I have and sometimes I just think I can explain away a situation but I’m learning.

    P.S: I love your blog. I have one too and my somewhat inconsistent nature (thankfully not in all things) makes me have dry spells so I really hope you never stop. Keep it up.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin June 24, 2015 at 1:01 pm

      Hi Bola!
      Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving me this very thoughtful comment. I love comments such as yours – long and detailed – as it tells me that the poster really engaged with me and connected with me as I did with them and that makes me very happy to have shared.
      I know exactly what you mean when you say it’s hard to not try and defend yourself especially when you feel misunderstood, that’s totally normal, I think the difference is in the timing, you can’t insist, at least not at that exact point in time.
      And it’s true, sometimes people just need time and they’ll come around but the waiting period can be tough, especially if you’re like me who doesn’t like unresolved issues.
      I really hope you & your friend get back to top space soon.
      Again, thank you so much for engaging with me, it’s the best part of sharing for me.
      PS: how funny is it that a month old post is considered “old” in the age of the Internet ? Ha ha! Too fast!
      I’ll never stop. Cheers xx

  • Reply Defensive-ers Anonymous | TheDOTKBlog June 24, 2015 at 2:23 pm

    […] This post is inspired by this totally awesome article I read on Gorgeous Brown Skin’s blog: Much Ado About Apologies […]

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