musings, Randomness, thoughts

SHADY McShady

Nigerian parents and their unique brand of shade.

Yesterday, I was gisting with my sister and she told me how my mum wanted something but she told her she’d have to ask me first and my mum goes – “abeg ooooo, just leave it. Me I don’t to join business with”that girl”. LMAO. My mother referred to me as “that girl”, just because of money business ooooo… [there’s a back story]. Too funny. But it just got me thinking in general about how much my mother gives me shade. Like she shades the heck out of me and I don’t think I deserve it.

 
My mother is the one who first pointed out that I have skinny ankles. And she said it in a “wonder where you got that from” type tone. It made me so self-conscious about my legs that I practically lived in jeans & long pants for most of my teenage/early adult life. Until I started getting random compliments from strangers when I dare show legs, asking me to make sure I show them off more often. I realized that this is what people pray for – to never have fat legs. The short dresses I now own ehn, not from here! Infact, now we always fight about how short my dresses are, I’m like, mother…. I’m overcompensating for the years I lost. Thanks to you. Ha ha. Hello Tina Turner!

It was she who told me my uncle wanted to buy me a necklace for my birthday but she’s wondering where I’d put it as I have no neck. I still cry about this one 🙁

It was also her who while I was away in boarding school and my family was moving to a new house; found my stash of love letters & cards from my puppy love boyfriend. The moment I heard we had moved houses; I knew it was all over. Till this day, she never said a word to me about them and I didn’t dare ask. It was unspoken but totally understood. Don’t ask, won’t tell. To this day.

Over the years, we’ve just sort of worked out a shady pattern. I have identified some thus:

  1. THE NO CHILL ZONE

Me: *Very excitedly* Mummy, I hear Iveren [my niece] has started talking, she can say bye/daddy/cheese. OMG! She’s growing too fast, I miss her I. I should see you people next week, God willing….. bla bla bla *continues yapping on excitedly*

Mum: *in a very low pitch voice* Yes she is but I want to tell you something….. See, I know how much you love family and your nieces are like your kids but that’s just what it is. They are “LIKE” yours, but they really aren’t yours. There is nothing like the child of your very loins; the one that came out of you; that’s why even in the event of a separation, no matter how long it’s been, most people will go back to look for their original parents someday. *cue dramatic sigh*…

Me: Okay mummy, I’ll call you again tomorrow, my credit has finished. Bye.

Basically, Seember, it’s time to start thinking of having your own. Dang!!!

It took me a long minute to find my voice after that. Like ahn ahn mummy, why am I getting a lesson on child-parent bonds just because I asked after my niece? Have you been planning and waiting for me to fall into your trap? What’s all this? Somebody cannot even play with you again? Ok bye!

 

2. THE UNFORESEEN TRAP YOU SET FOR YOURSELF

CONVO ONE*

Me: I’m coming next week, one of my small friends is getting married and I’d love to come support her.

Mum: That’s nice; but when is your own wedding nau?

CONVO TWO*

Me:  Mummy, Mrs ABC just came and dropped [asoebi] scarf for her daughter’s wedding for you. It’s very nice, they have good taste. It can be reused sef, cheap & economical.

Mum: I’ve been doing committee of mothers for other people’s children’s weddings, when will they come and do for me?

*facepalm*

 

3. THE BLACKMAIL

*In a random conversation*

Mum: You’ve been such a good child to me, you’ve brought me so much happiness and I know God has great plans for your life. The only thing left now is husband, the day you marry will be the happiest day of my life. I will dance till my legs bleed.

Me: Thank you. God will provide.

Yea guys! Sometimes you have to resort to preacher girl mode. It’s all in God’s hands. Listen and learn!

 

4. THE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY
Mum: Is it that you’re too choosy & picky? Because I know how you can be about stuff in general
Me: *almost tearing up* I know you’re my mum and you think I’m the best thing out there but have you ever considered that maybe nobody has asked me?
Her: How can! That’s just not possible. *ponders for a bit * but wait! Are you really saying….
Me: Yes! And it’s upsetting and depressing. You don’t get it. Nobody wants me  *extra shaky voice & a teary eye*
Her: Okay okay. Sorry. God will provide

And that Ladies and gentlemen is how you flip the coin. Checkmate! Two can play this game. Nollywood, I’m ready. It’s all about getting a hang of the psychology of this entire business.

***

 

 

But… In all of this, let’s not forget that day in primary school when she stood behind the hall during the assembly session on the last day of school and screamed – that’s my daughter – as I walked across the hall to pick up my awards. I took home 6 awards that day.

How about the many times she told me that I was such a beautiful girl and that she was very proud of me [but that this is not abroad and I should chill on these skimpy clothes] ha ha

Not forgetting the many times she called me from her office, put me on speaker phone and asked me why I only got 4 A(s) this semester instead of 5 like last semester [my uni used to send term transcripts to our parents]. Or if I’m traveling anywhere fun for the mid-semester break? The fine art of Bragging about your kid 101. My mum had it on pat down! I always just knew when she was having conversations with me for the benefit of the audience she’s with and I did my best to indulge her.

But, without a doubt in my mind, nobody thinks the world of me like my mum does. As far as she’s concerned, I know everything. For as many times as she’s given me grade A shade, she’s also been my biggest cheerleader. And this crazy chicken dance we do is our love language.

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I love you Ma. Besos xx
Tell me about your shady parents in the box below.


24 Comments

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24 Comments

  • Reply Menoword April 28, 2015 at 10:45 am

    My mother bred a terrorist, aka me, so she doesn’t shade me so much anymore. The only thing she tells me now is that at her age, she still has more toasters than I do…which is true, so I can’t say anything about it. She tells me I have no life,and I tell her she has no friends. She stopped telling me I have no husband when I replied “Neither do you”.(separated). We’re doing fine

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin April 28, 2015 at 10:53 am

      Loooooooool oh my goodness! Apple/tree… Pot/kettle… Peas/pods. Twinsies! Ha ha.

      • Reply s_fierce April 28, 2015 at 11:53 am

        Haahahhaahahaha, sometimes mother’s can make you wonder if you are adopted. Kai!!! My dear, every day it’s that blackmail of husband and they can’t just understand that Nobody is asking ( me sef I can’t understand it too but God dey) . These days I have come to understand that there’s no cheerleader like your mum but those their shades can pain. My mum’s favourite, ‘I thought after living abroad you would have learnt how to behave and do things like a human being ‘ *sigh*

        • GorgeousBskin
          Reply GorgeousBskin April 28, 2015 at 11:58 am

          Gotta love them! I did feel adopted sometimes too when I was younger but now I know, it’s just a unique brand of wit they have based on their own upbringing.

  • Reply Tayo April 28, 2015 at 12:37 pm

    Lmaoooo, that was a good laugh. “……..but she’s wondering where I’d put it as I have no neck.” That was hilarity. Nice post S.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin April 28, 2015 at 12:42 pm

      Glad you enjoyed it xx

  • Reply Mimi April 28, 2015 at 1:11 pm

    Men I have to say I have been really blessed then in this aspect after reading the comments.

    Only thing my mum annoys me with is “you can’t speak tiv (and of course I blame her and Popsie- TWO FULL BLOWN TIV PEOPLE WITH 4 KIDS WHO CAN’T SPEAK TIV O BUT NOOOOO BLAME THE KIDS *woosah*) and see how other people’s daughters pound yam/turn semo for them”.

    But my mum will always say she has the most beautiful children in the world. If we question our insecurities like our small toes she will be the first to scream “they are beautiful jo!”. She will tell people “God will bring us husbands when it is time so don’t pressure them please” and she’ll always say we are the most successful people EVER (even if we are literally struggling). I have the most supportive mother I have to say- BLIND support if you ask me lol.

    Lol I was reading this and going GADDAYAM! Therapy MAY BE required but I love this topic though. Never read anyone touching on this.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin April 28, 2015 at 1:21 pm

      lol therapy for who? Me I’m fine ooooo. Awwww your mom sounds super chill. Bless her xx

  • Reply Iengem April 29, 2015 at 11:49 am

    Oh I can relate to this . Growing up my Mom never said you’re beautiful. Closest to this would be “xyz is no where near pretty yet she struts about like a peacock so why are you holed up indoors? ! Your friends are always here dont you ever visit them?”I just loved my space!!! Then she would say this your skirts are too tight for your huge bum. Best believe I started trying to hide the bum. I would wear big tops that reached down. I thought I had this grotesque thing. Never mind that I took it from her.
    As I grew older I realised why she was so hard on us. Didn’t want us to think of ourselves ist as beautiful before smart. That she never hesitated in saying. However it made me terribly self conscious to get to University and have people tell me how pretty I was at every turn. Something I had not identified myself with really.Also you can guess how that “big bum” was received in Uni. Another hurdle I had to cross. Now she doesn’t hold back in lavishing praises on end. So I have learnt now as a parent myself to do everything in moderation.
    Fantastic work Sems.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin April 29, 2015 at 12:14 pm

      Ha ha. Gotta love them! Their upbringing is a major influence on their parenting styles but we know it’s all love. Thank you Iengem xx

  • Reply MrBure April 29, 2015 at 1:32 pm

    Your mum is the limit! I cried when I read that “your nieces are ‘like’ your kids, but they are not your kids” line. The Rock needs to come to your mum to get lessons on how to lay the smack down, aswearagawd!

    My mum occasionally demands I produce grandchildren. I used to tell her that if that was all she was after, I could set up a conveyor belt which would deliver one grandchild a month to her for a year. Then she would frown and say that was not the type she wanted. These days, however, when I use that line, she pauses just a little before delivering her usual response, and I’m starting to worry. The conveyor belt thing is my nuclear deterrent. What if she one day says, “Oya, bring them”?

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin April 29, 2015 at 1:51 pm

      Lmaoooooooooooo @ nuclear deterrent. Boy you’re treading on very thin ice, proceed at your own risk but with extreme caution.
      See the thing that makes my mum’s shade so epic is that she’s a calm/nice/almost quiet person in general, so trying to reconcile that person with these words is the real kicker. Too funny!
      PS: thank you for being so patient when the comment thingy was acting up and for informing me. It’s all sorted now, appreciate it. Mwah xx

  • Reply Cherrywine April 29, 2015 at 4:04 pm

    OMG! How have I never read this blog before? Fantastic!!!! I think all our mums went to the same “Mothers’ Bootcamp”. It’s usually along the same lines of husband and children. My mum is the real slim shady. Her new technique is to sub us. She sent me a message the other day saying “my friend in New York -a grandmother- said blablabla ” how was that grandmother information necessary, please? She wanted me to know I was wasting her time…her precious time with her unborn grand babies. Sigh. I’ve used the reverse psychology strategy on her too so she can let me rest. Love your blog. I’ll definitely be back. You can check mine out when you have time and when I can get off my lazy ass to post something again.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin April 29, 2015 at 6:19 pm

      Lmao… Cherry, your mom is indeed the real slim shady! That grandmother plug in that text was so unnecessary haha
      One day, we’ll give them what they so desire and we can all rest. Amen!
      Thank you so much for the blog love, I will definitely check yours out as well.
      Please come back often.
      Mwaaaaah xx

  • Reply Ohamiri April 29, 2015 at 8:31 pm

    Shady parents. Where do I start from? Sigh. Is the time my ma and I were watching Tinsel and I mentioned Angela looking very pretty. Ma goes “it’s because she’s married. No ebe a na ezuzurari” (stay here and be misbehaving). Shuo! What did I say? Or was it just last week when the gen went off and I went to look at it. She asked what was wrong and I told her I didn’t know. Then she goes, “and you say you’re a lawyer”. I didn’t know they taught engineering in law school. Sigh. I’m kinda used to it now because I know she likes to tease and never means it maliciously. But sometimes it can paaaaiiiin.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin April 29, 2015 at 9:25 pm

      Ahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahaha oh my goodness! Your mom is a trip and I kinda like her wit [apologies to you ].
      I think that’s what cushions it, knowing they mean well and it’s totally not malicious. But it dey still pain sha…

  • Reply Phamh April 30, 2015 at 1:41 pm

    Hahahahaha, when my mom was done with the husband matter (cos I got married), next up was “what are you guys waiting for? You ain’t getting any younger, you should start having kids” phew! Now I wonder what’s next.

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin April 30, 2015 at 1:46 pm

      She’ll probably soon start asking for a second one. Gender specific now. Lol

  • Reply Pham April 30, 2015 at 1:43 pm

    Hahahahaha, when my mom was done with the husband matter (cos I got married), next up was “what are you guys waiting for? You ain’t getting any younger, you should start having kids” phew! Now I wonder what’s next.

  • Reply Shola May 6, 2015 at 12:09 pm

    Hahahahahahahahaha…. This is too funny!! Lovely post girl…

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 6, 2015 at 12:59 pm

      LOL. Thanks jare

  • Reply Boki May 8, 2015 at 2:40 am

    i am a 40yr old single and childless woman with a Yoruba mother
    Take a minute to imagine the shade that is my entire existance. There isn’t enough space in this comment box.
    It requires a whole series of posts…
    In fact, you have just inspired me. Yay!!!!
    *see why you are my mentor?????*

    • GorgeousBskin
      Reply GorgeousBskin May 8, 2015 at 7:33 am

      Oh my goodness! Lmaooooo I can imagine.

  • Reply Birthday….Funday… – Gorgeous Brown Skin July 13, 2015 at 10:03 am

    […] cheerful and friendly child and it’s never a dull moment with her; even with my mother’s epic shade, I’ll never not be […]

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