Something happened. Sometime last month, I realised that I’m a happy person again. Yes again. When that realisation hit me, I literally stopped what I was doing and sat on my bed and cried a little. Happy tears of cos. Then I tweeted this and did a little jig because it was true.
I AM HAPPY.
What am I talking about? Stay with me!
2014 was a rubbish year; from the very first day of it. I hated it. I rang in the year wondering what my then boyfriend was doing or rather who he was doing, seeing as I’d just recently found out he had been cheating. It got worse! During the year, I was dealing with a breakdown of a relationship and a friendship, I was having a difficult time at my job that ultimately led to me resigning, i didn’t know what direction I was headed with my PHD interest, nothing was working and I was struggling to stay afloat physically/spiritually/mentally/financially and with everything which made me daily question everything I thought I knew about myself, people and life in general. I was angry.
I was angry at God, I was revolting in my heart, I felt helpless and I couldn’t even pray. Heck i didn’t know how to pray with such anger in my heart. All I did was sleep, watch TV, eat and more sleep. Inevitably, I ballooned and that led to even more depressive behaviour. Everything sucked donkey balls and I was a shadow of myself. I felt like there was no area of my life I could point to and say I was winning at. I was angry at the world, angry at myself, angry at everything and I’d lash out at the slightest provocation and then after the moment has passed, the ensuing guilt will make me feel even more crappy. I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t know how to stop this free fall. I truly felt helpless.
During that time, my aura was toxic and my pheromones were way off and it reflected even in my interactions with total strangers. I felt like even total strangers on the streets treated me harshly; I’d leave most conversations/interactions feeling quite sad & defeated, so I cut off from people and basically stayed in my house. Sometimes I’d find that I’ve been in my room for about a week at a stretch without communicating with any one. I felt like because of this toxic aura, anyone who came around me got sucked in inevitably. I was spreading toxicity like glitter and Christmas cheer. Ha ha. My mum was worried and expressed her concerns every chance; she said she was afraid of how much anger I had inside me and she wasn’t sure what was causing it. It upset me even more. Call it the mum factor but she could see that I was crying for help, she just didn’t know how to help. Here’s the kicker, in all this time, I’d get on social media and be all happy & glitter bombs and witty 140s… smh. I was obsessed with coming across as strong and okay and intact and perfect; hated being seen as weak or downtrodden. Now, while I’m all of those things, I realize now that it is important to let things fall apart if they’re going to, so you can deal and heal.
It was truly a shitty year. 2014. I was happy to say goodbye.
1 January 2015 met me sitting with my mother in her bedroom watching a crossover service on TV, during which she prayed for me, for us, for the year and I sat there with my heart full because suddenly here was a chance at a restart; the possibility of starting afresh, brand new. I knew in that moment that I was in the right place and everything was going to be okay.
Now I know that some people are on that ~ don’t wait till it’s a new year to start afresh ~tip. They scoff at new year resolutions and make those of us who believe in them seem foolish. But I’ll tell you this, there is nothing like the promise and possibility that a New Year holds & brings. NOTHING!!! Personally, I always come into a new year with an expectant heart; and I know that one has to take concerted steps in the year to achieve those resolutions but don’t act like the New Year doesn’t inspire restarts. And restart I did.
Previously, I wasn’t on the best of terms with some of my extended family members, and about 2 weeks into my January fast, I just woke up one day, topped up my phone and rang them to apologise for the part I may have played in whatever problems we had. I rang my old boss from my former job too and we had a conversation that still makes me cry just thinking about it now. It was so liberating. Looking back now, it’s not to say that there weren’t things happening that legitimately warranted my anger but now I see how different certain things could have played out if my reactions at the time and in the moment had been a tad different. That single act of apologizing alone took so much weight off my shoulders, I forgave myself and it felt good.
I wish I could tell you a colorful story of how one day the clouds just parted and a white dove dropped from heaven on my shoulders and I heard a voice saying this is my beloved S in whom I am well pleased. But No! None of that! I went through it daily, the motions ~ days of feeling like an underachiever, unloved, unappreciated, unheard, misunderstood, hurt, confused etc., not just about work and relationship woes but also from my family & friends. During this time, self-doubt and a broken spirit became very familiar. I felt every emotion. I felt every pain. I hurt in places I didn’t even know existed. It was overwhelming and intense and very painful…………….. AND THEN IT WAS’NT.
How so? I don’t know. I cannot tell you. I just know that after a while, I stopped needing help[wine] to sleep, I’d wake up and actually get out of bed and sometimes fake a smile; it just generally got easier. What’s funny is that I didn’t even realise I was unravelling until it went full cycle. This further made me realise that sometimes what you think you feel, however strong, is very different from reality. The chains you’re bounded by are sometimes wholly mental.
So what changed? Walahi me I don’t know. I just know that sometime last month, I said OMG in this moment right now, I’m so happy AND I MEANT IT and relief washed over me and I cried tears of joy because it had been a long time since I said that, let alone mean it.
Is everything perfect today? Absolutely not! But guess what changed? My attitude! And the best part? It’s showing! It’s obvious to other people. My sister randomly said to me last week when she visited – you’ve become so much nicer, it’s like this your exercising is making you a happy person. I just laughed and said nothing but the point wasn’t lost on me at all. Sure, exercising releases the happy juice – endorphins – but I knew it wasn’t just that. Something bigger had taken place. A shift. I finally got my groove back and the universe is taking notice and equilibrium has been restored. 2015 definitely looks like the kick ass year and i’m here for it!
If you’re reading this and going through your own dark patch, I want you to know that you’ll pull through and you’ll be better for it. I promise you. But you can’t force/hurry the process.